Well in a way I am - gloriously muddy muck!
For those of you who are not up to speed on the not so glorious you can catch up here >> Meat & Two Veg (Minus The Meat)
For those who don't have catch up time - In short.... I spent the best part of the summer stuck-in-scared (more so than usual) heartbroken, despairing, crying at the drop of a hat; convinced life as I knew it was over.
'The body guard' (that's hubby if you're new to my rambles) let me down terribly - broke me (temporarily) - hurt me more than anyone or anything has ever done before!
To make matters worse he blew my heart apart bang in the middle of the school holidays, and somewhere in the shrapnel (Thankfully blissfully unaware) was my 'Littlie'.
She kept me going (kept us both going) but if I'm honest (which I generally am) I spent the best part of the holiday wishing her back to school.
Hiding the muck from her was an effort I could have really done without, coping with her 'special needs' meltdowns whilst trying to control my own was at best hard work, and at worst mind blowingly Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh! - Play time was forced (I pray she never noticed) and days out were incredibly difficult, and few and far between.
Well I did the mum thing (most days) - I cried in private - went bonkers in my own time - painted on my *protect the child* smile - delved into my imagination when required too, and pushed myself to get her out of the house as often as my increased anxiety/vulnerability would allow!
It was after one really bad...mummy in a low-mood - thundercloud - "I can't carry on" - failing miserably at 'The mum thing' kinda morning,and child in a low mood - kicking things - screaming things - throwing things kinda morning that something just had to be done about getting us all ('The Body Guard' included) out of the 'Muck house' for a while.
Decision made we (disgruntled parents) bundled she (disgruntled child) into her wheelchair, threw a lead on disgruntled dog, grabbed poo bags, juice and snacks, and headed out and off toward the seafront.
Dog morphed from fed up to fruit loop as soon as we hit the street, and child had cheered up considerably by the time we reached the top of our road.
'The Body Guard' was quiet (head full of guilt) and I (though never comfortable outdoors due to agoraphobia) was feeling more vulnerable than usual because of the distance between us.
His admission that my mental health was at least in part the cause of his recent 'muck throwing' has left me feeling I need to hide the 'real me' - even from him!
Where usually I would hold onto him or the wheelchair when we're out, I felt unable to do so, and incredibly self conscious whenever a passing stranger caused me, without thinking, to grab hold of one or the other.
Added to my head hanging was the fact that though we live only 10 minutes from the seafront, in order to find a comfortable spot (people free) it would take us nearer an hour to get were we were going.
I'll leave out the rest of the wibbly walk that got me to 'people free sand' - Relevant but boring.
We stopped (eventually) next to a beach cafe, grabbed coffee, watered dog and plonked 'Littlie' on the sand with her bucket and spade. I lit a cigarette and let out a smokey sigh of relief!
Peace lasted about four puffs, and equal slurps o_O
'Littlie' wanted to paddle... 'Littlie wanted mummy to paddle... mummy wanted to dig a bloody great hole in the sand and bury herself in it!
What mummy actually did was stub out, get up, and paint on her 'Protect the child' smile.
We had a teeny weeny issue with the paddle thing however. The wet stuff was not quite in (about ten yards away) and between it and us was the *How the hell do I get my disabled child through that* stuff!
Anyway, my "How the hell" was responded to with, "I can do it mummy".
Her "I can" was good enough for me (despite my internal "no you can't) so off we stumbled over the sand.
When we first stepped onto the mud it was actually quite firm, she (hanging onto me for dear life) smiled, and bubbled "see mummy, I told you I can do it", I, less confident but incredibly proud smiled back.
Unfortunately, a yard or so further we had no choice but to turn back. Our wobbly had got wobblier, the mud was now incredibly squelchy, and 'Littlie' was really struggling.
She didn't argue - 'eat ya feet gloop' had stolen her confidence, and she wanted out. She wanted out now!
So with her outwardly panicking, and me inwardly panicking, we headed (slowly) back towards the sand.
By this point we were both incredibly stressed, and 'The Body Guard' concerned enough to wonder if he should ask someone to mind the dog, and come and help.
What happened next can only be described as divine intervention!
On our next step 'Eat ya feet gloop' suddenly got greedy, not content with 'Littlie's' foot (and best part of her leg) it thought it would have mine too, and before you could say 'I'm an idiot get me out of here', I was (in my best WHITE dress I should add) on my bum, in the mud, with child sprawled on top of me! o_O
I, (trying so, so hard not to cry) suddenly began to laugh, I mean really laugh, side splitting, hysterical laughter!
Within seconds, my (Trying so so hard not to cry) worn out, filthy child begun to laugh, really laugh... and together, up to our necks in gloriously muddy mud, we laughed the muck away.
Eventually we would be seen crawling back to dry land. Filthy, exhausted child would (with huge relief) be reunited with her wheelchair. Mummy would unashamedly (Thankful for full length dress) remove her wet, gritty draws, to avoid chaffing on the way home, and Daddy (amused by this) would smile for the first time in days.
The 'muck' would be still be there when we got home, but for that one moment in time, 'bums in gloop', laughing till it hurt...my child and I were free!
POSITIVE THOUGHT
Mud, Mud, glorious Mud!
PRAYER
Lord, Thank you, for plonking me and my 'Littlie' in 'glorious'... setting us free for a while, and reminding me how blessed I am. Amen.
Thank you for allowing me to share
God bless you and all those you love
Kimmie x
Decision made we (disgruntled parents) bundled she (disgruntled child) into her wheelchair, threw a lead on disgruntled dog, grabbed poo bags, juice and snacks, and headed out and off toward the seafront.
Dog morphed from fed up to fruit loop as soon as we hit the street, and child had cheered up considerably by the time we reached the top of our road.
'The Body Guard' was quiet (head full of guilt) and I (though never comfortable outdoors due to agoraphobia) was feeling more vulnerable than usual because of the distance between us.
His admission that my mental health was at least in part the cause of his recent 'muck throwing' has left me feeling I need to hide the 'real me' - even from him!
Where usually I would hold onto him or the wheelchair when we're out, I felt unable to do so, and incredibly self conscious whenever a passing stranger caused me, without thinking, to grab hold of one or the other.
Added to my head hanging was the fact that though we live only 10 minutes from the seafront, in order to find a comfortable spot (people free) it would take us nearer an hour to get were we were going.
I'll leave out the rest of the wibbly walk that got me to 'people free sand' - Relevant but boring.
We stopped (eventually) next to a beach cafe, grabbed coffee, watered dog and plonked 'Littlie' on the sand with her bucket and spade. I lit a cigarette and let out a smokey sigh of relief!
Peace lasted about four puffs, and equal slurps o_O
'Littlie' wanted to paddle... 'Littlie wanted mummy to paddle... mummy wanted to dig a bloody great hole in the sand and bury herself in it!
What mummy actually did was stub out, get up, and paint on her 'Protect the child' smile.
We had a teeny weeny issue with the paddle thing however. The wet stuff was not quite in (about ten yards away) and between it and us was the *How the hell do I get my disabled child through that* stuff!
Anyway, my "How the hell" was responded to with, "I can do it mummy".
Her "I can" was good enough for me (despite my internal "no you can't) so off we stumbled over the sand.
When we first stepped onto the mud it was actually quite firm, she (hanging onto me for dear life) smiled, and bubbled "see mummy, I told you I can do it", I, less confident but incredibly proud smiled back.
Unfortunately, a yard or so further we had no choice but to turn back. Our wobbly had got wobblier, the mud was now incredibly squelchy, and 'Littlie' was really struggling.
She didn't argue - 'eat ya feet gloop' had stolen her confidence, and she wanted out. She wanted out now!
So with her outwardly panicking, and me inwardly panicking, we headed (slowly) back towards the sand.
By this point we were both incredibly stressed, and 'The Body Guard' concerned enough to wonder if he should ask someone to mind the dog, and come and help.
What happened next can only be described as divine intervention!
On our next step 'Eat ya feet gloop' suddenly got greedy, not content with 'Littlie's' foot (and best part of her leg) it thought it would have mine too, and before you could say 'I'm an idiot get me out of here', I was (in my best WHITE dress I should add) on my bum, in the mud, with child sprawled on top of me! o_O
I, (trying so, so hard not to cry) suddenly began to laugh, I mean really laugh, side splitting, hysterical laughter!
Within seconds, my (Trying so so hard not to cry) worn out, filthy child begun to laugh, really laugh... and together, up to our necks in gloriously muddy mud, we laughed the muck away.
Eventually we would be seen crawling back to dry land. Filthy, exhausted child would (with huge relief) be reunited with her wheelchair. Mummy would unashamedly (Thankful for full length dress) remove her wet, gritty draws, to avoid chaffing on the way home, and Daddy (amused by this) would smile for the first time in days.
The 'muck' would be still be there when we got home, but for that one moment in time, 'bums in gloop', laughing till it hurt...my child and I were free!
POSITIVE THOUGHT
Mud, Mud, glorious Mud!
PRAYER
Lord, Thank you, for plonking me and my 'Littlie' in 'glorious'... setting us free for a while, and reminding me how blessed I am. Amen.
Thank you for allowing me to share
God bless you and all those you love
Kimmie x
