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Showing posts with label Cancer. Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cancer. Family. Show all posts

Thursday, 31 December 2015

He will never live in This Year.

It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing) and I've spent most of today looking to google for inspiration for this New Years Eve post, specifically I was searching 'Happy'. 

I found it of-course, the internet is full of zipadeedoodah today, as it is every new years eve. I found positive posts, round ups posts, lists and lists of 'list' posts... and I found happy posts; other people's thoughts, feelings, wishes. Other people's Happy.

Many were inspiring... none inspired me. 

Actually, that's not quite true... they inspired me to write a list; a stupidly-long list of Happy-New-Year-blog-post-ideas. When I sat down to write this evening I had every intention of using idea #4... 'There's Something Good In Every Day'. 

I could have pulled that one off too, you know... I could have rambled till your eyes were bossed about how blessed I am; how lucky I am, how grateful I am. Because I am. 

You know what else I am... honest. Throwing a load of zipadeedoodah your way this evening... wouldn't have been honest! (I do however wish YOU as much zipadeedoodah as you can handle :o))
Quote, There's something good in every day. via @stuckinscared

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It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of tomorrow! 

This year has been the worst year of my life (so far). This year broke my heart; almost broke me, but I don't want to leave it. My Dad lived in this year.

My Dad hugged me this year. My Dad laughed, and cried this year. This year I heard Dads voice, breathed his smell...read 'I love you' in his eyes. 

Tomorrow will be the first day of a year that doesn't have my Dad in it, and I'm scared. I don't want to leave him behind.

As of tomorrow... 'Dad died LAST year'.  Not this year, not even 7 months ago... LAST  year! He will never live in this year.

As of tomorrow... I will never have a THIS year that has Dad in it again. 

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It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), it's cold outside, and set to get colder and I (though grieving) am warm, fed, housed and Oh-so-cared-for, as (I sincerely hope) are you. 
I decided against an end of year round up of my blog posts this year... #6 on my list of ideas... but I'd love for you to visit (or revisit) just THIS ONE. It means a lot to me. :) 

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It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), and I want to thank YOU, dear readers of my rambles, for reading, commenting (I love your comments :), for being there, for being your beautiful selves... and especially for your support this past (incredibly tough) year. You lot make my day... EVERY DAY! 

I wish you ALL a (heartfelt) HAPPY NEW YEAR! :o) 
It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing) and I've spent most of today looking to google for inspiration for this New Year Eve post, specifically I was searching 'Happy'.

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Thank you as always for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 



Monday, 21 December 2015

Deck the Halls... better late than never.

I'm late posting my Christmas paraphernalia this year. I usually have the halls decked by the 1st of December but (despite making a start early November) I was well into December before finishing.
I'm late posting my Christmas paraphernalia this year. I usually have the halls decked by the 1st of December but (despite making a start early November) I was well into December before finishing. 

Fibromyalgia had me decking the halls with boughs-of-ouchie, and as this is my first Christmas without Dad there wasn't a lot of fa-la-la'ing going on. I'm glad I pushed on with it though, Littlie's eyes are shinning as a child's eyes should be, and me? Well, I love Christmas, and the Merry-and-Bright is doing me the world of good... Fa-la-la-la-la...la-la-la-la :o) 
Christmas is my Favorite
Christmas is my absolute favorite... I like it a lottle (that's like a little, but a lot). 
I love the lead up to Christmas, I delight in the fairy lights and decorations which fill almost every corner of my home. I love the chaos of Christmas morning... the mess that out does all messes - the pringle-crumb-carpet - the tripping over of the long and short legs sprawled out into the middle of my very small dinning room as I attempt to get to the back door for a quick cigarette break - the 5am stumble along the landing to be greeted by a wide awake Littlie with stocking in hand, shouting "he's been Mummy, he's been!" 
I love it all, and despite the underlying sadness this year I'm really looking forward to Christmas morning with my gorgeous ones. 
Christmas is my absolute favorite... I like it a lottle (that's like a little, but a lot).
Right, that's enough of my rambling... better-late-than-never; our home has been well and truly decked and I'd really love to share it with you all.

My house is a squash-and-a-squeeze and the dinning table's been packed away to make room for the tree so (unless you're a fairy) there's nowhere to sit, but you're all so welcome!  Heating's on, kettle's on, and there's mince pies in the tin... help yourselves.

And now to the Merry-and-Bright... 

My tree... An evening job (more accurately several evenings), on my own with Rod Stewart ringing in my ears... No touching (or tail-wagging) allowed! 
My tree... An evening job (more accurately several evenings), on my own with Rod Stewart ringing in my ears... No touching (or tail-wagging) allowed!

Deck the halls.

I love Christmas



The lounge trees... a joint effort... some touching allowed :o) 

Littlie's tree (in her bedroom), she gets to do what she likes with this one... I like it but wouldn't wanna sleep with it... she loves it :)
 Littlie's tree (in her bedroom), she gets to do what she likes with this one... I like it but wouldn't wanna sleep with it... she loves it :)

The back door... this picture doesn't show the full glory of this area of the house at Christmas time... it's my favorite part of the house when decked... the windows mirror all of the downstairs fairy lights giving the impression that the whole garden is lit up...it's magical!
deck the halls

The old fish tank... which stands in the dinning room for most of the year looking like a heap of, well, old fish tank, and is magically (with the help of 4 rolls of cotton wool and a ton of fake snowflakes) transformed into Littlie's winter-wonderland each Christmas. 
The old fish tank... which stands in the dinning room for most of the year looking like a heap of, well, old fish tank, and is magically (with the help of 4 rolls of cotton wool and a ton of fake snowflakes) transformed into Littlie's winter-wonderland each Christmas.

The banisters
Deck the halls... home tour

Most of my decs are years old... that's what makes them so special... my halls are decked with memories... Christmassy pages of my life...my kid's lives. I do add something to the collection each year though and this gorgeous Nativity is the latest addition. I love it! 
This gorgeous Nativity is the latest addition to my Christmas decs. I love it!

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Thank you all, Dear friends, readers-of-my-rambles for your support this past year...it's been a tough one and I couldn't have got through it without YOU! 

I wish you all a very merry Christmas 

Merry Christmas!

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x

P.S... 

Don't forget to deck the Loo ;o)

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Message in a Bottle... Wordless Wednesday

message in a bottle... an idea if you're grieving, missing loved ones at Christmas. It helped me to put something by the tree for my Dad... hand write your message and place it in a decorated glass bottle. | wordless wednesday... Christmas 2015. Miss you Dad x

For you, Dad 

I miss you so much

Kimmie x




Friday, 25 September 2015

If I Could...

Iv'e been tagged by the lovely Laura, who blogs at My Life as a Mummy to take part in the 'If I Could' tag. Thanks Laura.

The idea is to answer the preset questions, daydreams allowed, and then tag other bloggers to take part (If they want to).

So here goes...
Imagine a Town where no one goes hungry...
If I could live anywhere... Oh I'm so glad day dreams are allowed... If I could live anywhere, (anywhere, any time, any dream) I would choose 'Walnut Grove'... Except I'd have Pa build me a proper oven, cause I'm buggered if I could bake like Ma bakes in a tiny little hole to the side of the fire place. Oh, and I'd be needing an inside loo... how Ma manages to poo in that tiny little outhouse in THAT skirt, is beyond me.

A little house on the Prairie...where all the skies are blue (In my dreams they're always blue). Where all the people (with the exception of Mrs & Nelly Olsen) are kind and compassionate, peace loving, neighbourly.

Imagine washing in the creak, watching Pa (preferably topless, Pa should always be topless!) working the fields. walking through fields to get the kids to school. Kids that skip, and tag, and ring-a-rose.
Imagine a town where no one goes hungry, because as poor as they are they can always, always, stretch the stew to one more!

I do :)

If I could have any home ...This is a tough one because I love the house I'm in now, it's been home for a long time, I've always felt safe here, it's familiar, it's beautiful... it's home!
The trouble is, it's not my house, and as our Landlord has spent the past year attempting to sell it from under us (though currently it's off the market temporarily until neighbouring building work is completed) it's no longer safe! .

On that note, if I could have any home other than my current one (or 'The Little House on the Prairie')... it would be secure, safe, preferably owned.
It would have disability adaptions, (including wheelchair access) for Littlie... and a private, south facing garden, with a pretty little shabby-chic Lady-shed, to write in.
Actually, while I'm still day dreaming... I wouldn't mind one of those DIY-SOS jobbies...not least because then I'd get to meet Little-Leci-Billy- ;o)

If I could have any garden... That's easy...the garden I have now. I'd love to pick it all up, worms and all, and take it with me. As it is, since every plant in the garden attached to the-house-that's-not-mine was payed for and planted by me, I will be digging up anything remotely dig-up-able, and taking it with me.

If I could have any garden... That's easy...the garden I have now.

If I could be on holiday right now... The reality is, fear prevents me from flying, it also prevents me from travelling (other than locally) in a car, and even if I could travel my budget wouldn't stretch to a holiday.

The dream is, Spain... I went to Spain (Marbella), for a week when I was eighteen, and would love to revisit.
Actually, I say a week... I fell in love with a gorgeous Spaniard and stayed put. Three months later I (and my broken heart) came home... Turned out Gorgeous-Spaniard wasn't mine to love, he had a wife and child in Lanzarote!

Despite the heartache (not to mention the shame), I still have such beautiful, and incredibly vivid memories of the places I visited, and the things I experienced whilst there.
Oh, how I'd love to walk those streets again - paddle those seas again - visit those cafes again - dunk those doughnuts again... "Un chocolate con churros por favor" :)

If I could have any job... Illness prevents me from working these days, but if I could work I'd go back to what I used to do before (and after, once they were old enough) I had children... caring for the elderly.
When I was a teenager my best friends Mum owned, lived in, and ran a home for the elderly, my friend and I worked Weekends as teenagers and went on to work there full time after leaving school, and then periodically after we both married and had children.
I loved every single minute of it... I'll never forget my ladies!

If I could have any talent... I don't need to think about this one, I'm reminded of my lack of talent in this area every day. I would LOVE to be able to sing.
I often sing along to music (I use the term loosely!) if I'm at home, but always mime anywhere else, even in Church; because there are no words to describe the unholy noise that comes out of my mouth when I sing out loud!

I've always been aware of my (tone-death-doesn't-cover-it) singing voice... I remember being as young as seven-ish and miming during assembly so that the other kids couldn't hear me, silently mouthing each word dramatically so as to appear believable if a teacher looked my way.
Turned out one teacher was looking my way; he picked me for the school choir... because, he said... I opened my mouth so beautifully when I sang. o_O
For the rest of that school year (wishing I was invisible, and still miming) I was sat at the front of the hall during assembly...with the rest of the choir!

If I could live one day again... - it would be the last day I saw my Dad.
My Dad lived a long way from me, and, as mentioned above, mental illness/fear prevents me from travelling. In February of this year (3 months before he died) my Dad, my always-there-and-if-he-wasn't-there-he-was-getting-there, Dad, came to me. Riddled with Cancer, barely able to stand, and in unimaginable pain, he came to me... he came to say goodbye.

We hugged lots, loved lots, talked as much as he could manage... goodbyes were left unspoken, neither of us able to say the words.

When he left, knowing how hard the moment was for him, I hugged him brave...like a grown up. The child inside was bawling, I didn't let her out.
He released my hold on him, kissed my head, and said "keep smiling babe", then he turned and walked down the garden path.

When he reached the gate he turned and looked straight at me, he held my gaze for only a moment before turning away again... in that moment I read my life time in his eyes... and I read his breaking heart, his I love you... his goodbye".

I didn't want to be brave anymore. I wanted to run down the path with the child's tears pouring down my face, throw myself into his arms, beg him to stay.

I stayed dry-eye-brave in the doorway until he'd disappeared through the gate. Then went into the toilet, stamped my feet like a child, and cried.

If I could live that day again... I'd run down the path!


If I could have any super power... Ooh, now then... can I have two?
Time travel would get me to 'the Walnut Grove' of the Ingalls's, but I've always quite fancied being Mary Poppins. If I were Mary Poppins... I could click my fingers and put the whole world to rights.

David Cameron...click...gone. George Osborne...click...gone. Iain Dunken Smith...
click, click, Dunky!
World peace...click...done. New home...click. Housework...click... *clicks fingers hopefully*.

I'm think I'm gonna go with Mary-Poppins-Power...
If I can jump into pictures, travel by brolly, and have tea on a ceiling, I reckon time travel will be a breeze...
Walnut Grove here I come... Just as soon as I've outed the Tories ;o)
If I Could...
Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

I tag the following people

Dear tagged... Please feel free to ignore the prompt if you are busy, or if  blog tags are not something you usually take part in.

Dear reader... Please do visit the bloggers in the above list if you have time. They are all fabulous bloggers...well worth reading :o) 

 

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Gone.


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Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Of Windmills and Woes


If we were having coffee, I'd be playing 'hide n chat' this week... blabbing (nervously) about your drink preference, how your weeks been, how long the kettle's taking to boil... windmills - I like windmills I do, lets talk about windmills, do you like windmills, come see my windmills.

Every silence would get a babble, an anxious, smiley, bubbly babble... and I'd be wishing you'd talk about you.

I'd drag you outside to see ALL the windmills, babbling the old, the sentimental, and the new... you'd be wishing by now you'd gone to star bucks...alone!


If we were having coffee, I wouldn't tell you how incredibly tough (special needs) parenting has been this week...

I wouldn't tell you how many times 'Littlie' has morphed from 'absolute Joy' into 'absolute nightmare', on a day to day (often hour to hour) basis, and how mind blowingly difficult it's been not reacting to her meltdowns with a few (there's only so much I can take) meltdowns of my own... how tough it's been keeping the 'me' that's not 'Mummy' in check.

Littlie has more than enough to deal with, none of it her fault, the last thing she needs, is the me that's not 'Mummy'... especially in response to the 'She' she can't help.

{Littlie (you may already know) is 9 years old, and was born with a chromosome disorder (Prader Willi Syndrome), which affects her both physically and mentally. She has global developmental delay, hypermobility, OCD,  and Tourettes (amongst other issues) ...I won't bore you the symptoms, the list is seemingly endless.}

If we were having coffee, I might explain her disability (if you asked), I'd even touch on how challenged/challenging she can be... but mostly, I'd tell you how funny she can be, how engaging, and affectionate she can be, what a wonderful character she is...how far she's come, how hard she tries... and how much I love her!

I couldn't love her more if I tried!


If we were having coffee, I wouldn't tell you how debilitating my own disabilities (fibromyalgia & mental illness, exacerbated by grief) have been this week... how hard it's been to think positive, speak positive, do positive...because no one likes negative, right?

I wouldn't tell you how confusing it is, to be Mum, to be wife, to be friend; just to be... in a world that chugs on...so quickly, pulling me (inwardly screaming) along with it.

If we were having coffee, I wouldn't ask you for a hug, despite needing one, desperately... because, in a hug I'd blub, lose control, spill 'ALL the things', scary things, big things; too big to blab things... I can't do that, no, I can't do that.

I prefer hugging to hugged.

If you needed a hug - if you were upset?... Oh, I could do that, yes, I could do that... I can always do that.

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If we were having coffee, and I had added my woes to my windmills, you might not believe me anyway; because I'd be wearing a smile, long sleeves, and a face full of make up - chatting about windmills, 'absolute joy', and you...

...because, it's easier (and fairer) to share 'absolute joy' than it is to share 'absolute nightmare' - easier to play 'hide n chat' than it is to play 'chat the crap' - safer to talk windmills than it is to talk woes!

Oh, and because I'd quite like you to come again... :)

If we were having coffee, I'd ask how you were, and wonder, does your "I'm okay" mimic mine!
Do you play the game too? are you playing it now? Filling silence with babble... sunshiny, smiley, bubbly babble... wishing I'd talk about me.


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Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

P.S... Littlie is currently presenting (at time of kettle boiling)... as 'absolute joy'... long may it last :)

P.P.S... I'm adding this post to the Weekend Coffee Share, linky/bloghop... the brain child of 'Part Time Monster'. You can read other Coffee Shares, and/or add your own ((HERE))


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Related posts...


Sunday, 7 June 2015

It's your Birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

"Nothing feels real. Everything's TOO real. I'm lost without you." Grief. Dad. Quote via @stuckinscared

Dad,

What do I do today? How do I do today?  Should I be doing something? - What do I say? I don't know what to say, Dad... should I be saying something?

What do people say to dead Dads on their Birthday?

Happy Birthday Dad? Are you happy? Are you here? can you hear me? Can I see you? can you do that?... I want you to do that.

Sorry?... Should I be saying sorry, Dad?

Sorry I couldn't get to you, wasn't with you when you died, never said goodbye... never made it to your funeral, (I hate that word, 'Funeral').

I know my sadness would hurt you (is hurting you) but I don't know how to do today (any day) without sadness...without you, Dad.
I've never had to do a Dadless 'Dad day' before, I've never had to do a Dadless 'any day' before, until now.

I miss you, Dad, I need you, I don't know how to 'be' without you... I don't want to be without you.
One more look into eyes that speak 'I love you' whenever they look at me, one more hug/smile/hand-hold, one more day/month/year, one more "I love you too babe"; Please Dad, just one more...This longing... it's unbearable.

I know what you're thinking, I know what you'd say, what you're saying... I don't wanna hear it, Dad!

I hear you so clearly you could be sat here hugging me (Oi you'ing, tear stained/mascara stained shirt).

"Keep smiling babe"
"Time heals"
"Focus on those who're still here"
"Keep on keeping on"
"Move your arse, dry your eyes, and go play with your Littlie"
"Be happy babe, I want you to be happy"
"Look to the future now"
"Think positive"
"Keep smiling babe"
"Keep smiling babe"
"Keep smiling babe".
"Life goes on" .............

Life goes on?! .... Really?!

Is that your voice, or is it mine?

Matters lots... matters not... changes nothing... I don't wanna hear it, Dad!

Daddy, you were my safe, my 'who to go to', my always there (and if not there, getting there) my consistent (my only consistent) my 'strong'... My someone to trust.

And now... You're the scream I let out when you left... the scream I've held in ever since. A touch without a feel, a shadow without a face, sorrows tears, sorrows scream, sorrows smile.
You're my 'not there-can't get there; will never get there again'... you're the tears I'm crying now.

Gone.

How can you be gone!

How can you be gone, Dad.

Are you gone?

Is that you, are you there?

Is that your voice, or is it mine?

I can't bear 'this'.

Come home Dad, please come home Dad, I need you.

Nothing feels real, everything's too real!

I don't wanna hear it, Dad, I don't wanna hear it!

The future is Dadless... I'm not ready for that.
It's your Birthday and I'll cry if I want to... grief... quote. Blog post. via @stuckinscared

I know you'd stop 'this' if you could, say anything to make 'this' better, but Dad, really?! ....Throw in 'It's just the way the mop flops', and we'd have ALL the cliches!

But I get it, Dad...I do - I was (all your girls were) your smiles, your good on the bad days, your reason for living, your everything. If it were fixable you fixed it. If we hurt you hurt....You can't bear 'this' either... can you.

I'm sorry Dad x

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POSITIVE THOUGHT
When I was about 8 years old I bought my Dad a box of 'Liquorice Allsorts' for his birthday. His eye's lit up when he opened them, and I remember, so clearly, him (chomping) "mmmm my favorite".

I bought him a box of 'Allsorts' (his favorite) every birthday after that......... I was 48 before he finally told me he actually hated them.

That's the kind of Dad my Dad was.

PRAYER
I'm not alone in my Dadlessness, a few of my friends have lost their Dads recently. Lord, bless them, hold them tight, help them through 'this'. Amen.

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Thank you for allowing me to share

Bless you, all of you who have supported me over the past few weeks, it's meant more than you could possibly know!

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x

Related post: About a Man


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