Poem... That Cam-I-Am

That ‘Cam-I-am’ 

That ‘Cam-I-am’ 

I do not like that ‘Cam-I-am’

I do not like him here or there  

I do not like him anywhere

I do not like him on my telly

smoke-screen grin... state funded belly

I do not like him in my head

invading dreams when I'm in bed

I do not like his policies

his attitude to those in need

I do not like his spare room charge

homes (he says), are far too large

while he and his, and them and theirs

homes (state funded), rooms to spare

looking down on me and mine

and you and yours, and yours and theirs!

You homeless poor man....? 

'Cam' don’t care!

That ‘Cam-I-am' 

That ‘Cam-I-am’ 

I do not like that ‘Cam-I-am

Not in my head, not here or there

I do not like him anywhere

I do not like his common(s) trough

piggy chums, (state funded) scoff

I do not like his welfare war

feed the rich, starve the poor

His food-bank-Britain... Eton mess

Cameron - Osborne - IDS

“Scrounger, skiver,  feckless slob”

“sick, disabled? - GET A JOB!” 

PIP PIP (pardon the pun), state funded wine

looking down on me and mine

and you and yours, and yours and theirs

You hungry poor man...?

'Cam' don’t care!

That ‘Cam-I-am’ 

That ‘Cam-I-am’ 

I do not like that 'Cam-I-am'. 

Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

***

Tweet

Do I want to get rid of Cameron? - Hell Yes!

Remembering the Thatcher years, I was horrified when, in may 2010, David Cameron (enabled by Nick 'sorry-not-sorry' Clegg) slipped into power, along with the likes of George 'go-figure' Osborne, and Ian 'don't-give-a-damn' Smith.

Now, after five years of Cameron and co, the rich are richer and the poor are poorer, well, I expected that!
I knew the Tories wouldn't have any interest in, or feeling for, the 'common' people.... but (and this is a big BUT!) I never expected them to hurt people like me, or my daughter!

Why? - What might exclude us (and others like us) from Tory 'wickedness'?

Well, my child and I are both disabled - they wouldn't go after disabled people, would they?

****

Over the past five years the coalition (Tory) Governments draconian cuts, cruel assessments, and relentless propaganda have pushed (many) sick, disabled, and mentally ill people worryingly close to the edge - pushed some (largely unreported by the media) 'too far!'

My daughter and I didn't choose disability, she certainly didn't; she was born disabled. There's not a lot we can do to change our 'scrounger' status, either we take the 'handouts' (social security) from the same pot my husband paid into for years I might add, or we starve!

Of course, my 'Littlie' (going on 10, with a mental age of 5) has no idea that (Thanks to Tory/media rhetoric) our family would be judged negatively (by some) she has no idea that Cameron and Co have attempted to create a Britain that may not welcome the disabled adult she will one day become.

I know though! I know, and I am afraid, afraid for myself, afraid for my disabled friends, afraid for all (reliant) disabled people living in Britain.... but above all else, afraid for my child!

Many disabled people have had their lives turned upside down over the past five years - some have not survived the onslaught.

Vulnerable people, who (and I should know) are desperately afraid - deeply affected by right wing 'scrounger' propaganda, and increasingly concerned about their future.

People who's symptoms of illness/disability (in many cases, including my own) have been greatly exacerbated by an overwhelming fear of the next WCA (Work capability Assessment)
An assessment interrogation that often ignores their own doctors opinion in a deliberate attempt to strip them of benefits.

Mentally ill people who are terrified by even the idea of having to expose themselves (face to face) at a ten minute (tick box) assessment (to a complete stranger) who is unlikely to be qualified to assess Mental Illness, and even less likely to empathise.

People who are despairingly aware, that even if they are lucky enough to pass the assessment, it won't be long before the process begins again.

Many are self-harming, some feel/or have felt that suicide may be a better option than continuing to battle both debilitating mental illness/disability, and the 'powers that be'.

As most of you know (physical disabilities aside) my own symptoms of Mental Illness interfere with my ability to cope with many everyday activities without the support of my husband, and those things I do manage alone, are only doable if he's nearby.
I could give for instances but we'd be here all day; so I won't.

Most significantly, for the purpose of this post, is that my disabilities prevent me from working, and also from caring for my disabled child alone....and, as I'm unable to function at home, or outdoors without support, it also prevents my husband from working.

Although, given that I care for my disabled child (to the best of my abilities) with hubby's help, and he cares for us both (full time) with no help, I'd ask those who see fit to judge us (with all due respect, Mr Cameron) to define *hard working people*.

I'm terrified of the benefits system, I fear the dreaded brown envelope (DWP letter) every day - the sound of the post man fiddling with the letter box puts me on edge before anything hits the mat - the site of any brown envelope on the hall floor puts me in a state of panic, which continues to have a negative affect on me long after hubs has checked the contents, and reassured me that today is not the day that I will have to begin AGAIN the process of proving how disabled I am!

It's a daily, overwhelming fear....I have no idea when the next letter will come, but one thing is certain - It will come!

If, after that next assessment, the powers that be decide that we are no longer (in their opinion) entitled to support, I will STILL be disabled, my daughter will STILL be disabled, and my husband will STILL be a full time carer. The ONLY difference (other than making us sicker) such a decision would make; is that we would have nothing to live on!

We're less than a week away from General Election 2015 (time of writing) and I'm terrified the Tory's might manage to 'lie' their way in for another term, because, dear reader, if they do; they will be coming for me and mine, and quite possibly (if you are reliant, or become so) you and yours too, and there won't be a damn thing we can do about it!

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                                     Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved

NB: The above thoughts, observations, opinions, are based on my own experiences, and those of disabled people I know, or who's experiences I have read about. I do not presume to speak for all disabled people.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

PRAYER

LORD, I pray for all sick and disabled people who have died, and for all who mourn them. Amen

Related posts:
I do not like that Cam-I-am
A Fine Line

A Fine Line...!

Writing about my life with mental illness really helps me, it’s cathartic to write my thoughts down.

I made the decision to share my muddled mind through this blog because (though I’m far from recovery and therefore not really qualified to advise) I felt that sharing my experiences might help other sufferers feel less isolated.

I hope that by my ‘telling it how it is’ someone somewhere will find some relief in reading. 

Having said that I do worry (a lot!) that being too honest about some of my mental health symptoms may do more harm than good and it’s for that reason I’m going to suggest that if you're feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment you don’t read any further into this post…. 

In recent months I’ve had various conversations with friends (some via twitter, one face to face) who have recently self - harmed or are struggling with thoughts or urges relating to self - harm.

One lady (heartbreakingly) confided that she is mentally making plans to re home her pets because she feels suicidal and is concerned that she might act on these feelings leaving her pets uncared for.  

Some of the people I spoke to have complex mental health issues (some have physical disabilities too) and they all told me that their self- harm and/or suicidal thoughts are related to fear of their current or anticipated WCA (Work capability assessment).

Of course I know from personal experience that paranoid fear, irrational thoughts and an inability to cope with change often go hand in hand with mental illness, however, given the treatment that so many have endured at these DWP assessments interrogations it’s hardly surprising that so many sick & disabled people feel incredibly anxious at the moment.

People are desperately afraid - overwhelmed with fear - deeply affected by right wing ‘scrounger’ propaganda and very concerned about their future. 

They’re terrified by even the idea of having to expose themselves (face to face) at a ten minute (tick box) assessment (to a complete stranger) who is unlikely to be qualified to assess mental illness and even less likely to empathise. They are also despairingly aware that even if they are lucky enough to qualify for benefit it won't be long before the process begins again!  

Many are self - harming some feel suicide may be a better option than continuing to battle both debilitating mental illness and the ‘powers that be’.

Many are far sicker now (under a system that in many cases claims they are fit for work) than they were under the previous system which recognised that they were NOT fit for work and supported them accordingly.

Am I afraid? Yes I’m afraid, Very afraid. 

Has my own tendency to self - harm increased as a direct result of the coalition’s attitude towards disabled people?

Yes!  Though I’m ashamed to admit it my own self harming behaviour has increased both in severity and frequency.

Do I want to continue living with this daily, nightly overwhelming, debilitating fear? 

NO! Oh God no, it’s too much, too much….!  

I can’t see an end to it and my own symptoms have been greatly exacerbated.

Do I feel suicidal? - Do I wish I were dead?

Those of you who know me either through contact or through my writing will already know the answer to this question! You’ll know that I am and always have been terrified of death. You will have read here >> Scared to shut my eyes! about my overwhelming fear of death as a child, you’ll know how terrifying my intrusive thoughts are and how often they relate to fear of death.

NO - I don’t feel suicidal, I have NEVER felt suicidal no matter how much life, other people (or my own mind) has thrown at me. - No - I don't wish I were dead.

I  don’t now and I didn’t in 1986 when life, other people (and my own mind) caused me to suffer a complete mental breakdown and I attempted to take my own life.

I don’t remember how I got to my bedroom that evening with a full bottle of ‘paracetamol’ and a pint glass of water. I don’t remember planning or contemplating suicide or for one single moment wishing I was dead.

I don’t remember thinking about my 8 month old baby or wondering how he would cope without me.

I don’t remember feeling suicidal, I don’t remember wanting to die.

I DO vaguely remember taking the pills.

There was no lining up of tablets like you see on TV, no thoughts, no fear, no emotion, no tears, there was *nothingness*.

I tipped the pills from bottle to mouth (how I swallowed so many at once is beyond me) and washed each mouthful down with water until there were no more pills to take.

There are some blurry (vague) memories after that, my first husband slapping me very hard (this confused me) – baby crying - arriving at hospital in an ambulance – a black tarry substance  - gagging on a tube - a drip – a white ceiling through a strange tunnel vision, then blank again.  Days of nothing, no thoughts, no emotion – *nothingness*….!

I have never ‘contemplated’ suicide BUT in ‘1986’ (20  years old without so much as a passing thought for the first of my five children) I very nearly succeeded in taking my own life….!

I had a point when I started writing today and I’m not sure if I’ve succeeded in making it, so briefly  -  For many mental ill (and, indeed, physically ill) people - there is a very fine line between incredible strength, and *can’t take anymore*.  

I am deeply concerned that the UK Governments relentless cuts & cruel propaganda are pushing many already vulnerable people worryingly close to - *can’t take anymore*.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

I'm 27 years on, I'm still here and my fifth child (my last baby) is nagging me to move away from the lap top and use my imagination. I cannot stress enough how thankful I felt this evening when she rolled in from school and threw her smiley, gorgeous self into my arms. Life is tough at the moment, it has been to varying degrees for as long as I can remember but I feel incredibly blessed to be here.

PRAYER

Father, I pray your protection this day and always over the lives of all sick and disabled people. 

I pray peace for those who are oppressed, despairing, afraid and strength for those who are close to giving up.

I’m weighed down with their despair and with my own. I want to do something, make a difference - I don’t know how!

I’m open to suggestions Lord, in the meantime I place me and mine and them and theirs into your hands.  Amen.

Thank you as always for allowing me to share.

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                             Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved

A Ding Dong and A Prayer

In these times of such austerity I would object to Government spending millions of pounds on ANY ONES funeral, Let alone a multimillionaires! 

Now I’m the first to admit that I  never thought much of Maggie Thatcher, or her policies, and I also admit to ‘Ding Donging’ with the best of them when I first heard the news of her passing. In fact if I’m being really honest (which I generally am)  ‘Ding Dong’ had already occurred to me and been ‘smugly’ tweeted way before I’d a chance to realize that half of ‘Twitter World’ was one step ahead of me!

It might after reading that surprise some of you to hear that in addition to my ‘Ding Donging’ I have also prayed for her (Eyebrows down please, it’s a Christian thing) not the ‘Ding Donging’ obviously, ‘Hangs head in shame’, the praying I mean. 

It's hard praying for someone you feel nothing but contempt for, harder still when your feelings toward that person are not relieved by prayer! Perhaps praying for myself would have been more appropriate in this instance, since it was my own conscience that led me to pray for 'Maggie'. 
I'm not sure I'm making much sense! It's all very confusing. 
Being a Christian (in my head anyway) isn't always easy. 

You might also be surprised to hear given my frequent  *I can’t stand Tories rambles* that I often pray for them too (I can’t by the way – stand Tories; I despise everything they stand for!) but, it would be impossible for me to pray effectively for the people I DO care about without at least in passing praying for the hearts of these rich bully boys (and girls) - that their hearts will by some miracle be opened to the suffering of so many British people, (suffering they are directly responsible for!)

Having said all that, as a Christian, and as a human being, my heart, thoughts and prayers are first and foremost with........ 

The despairing parents who queue up with their frozen children at the ever growing number of food banks across the UK before returning their furrowed brows and frozen children to homes they can barely afford to heat! 

The 50 year old man made redundant through no fault of his own who unable to find alternative work now finds himself labelled scrounger by his own Government! (Striver to shirker overnight) despite having worked hard and paid into the system his whole damned life.

Sick and disabled people whose lives have been turned upside down under this regime. People whose own doctors are ignored in favour of under qualified ATOS/DWP assessors in a deliberate attempt to strip them of benefits. 

Frightened, vulnerable people whose illnesses/disabilities are being greatly exacerbated by constant and overwhelming fear of the next assessment interrogation.

The sick and disabled people who have died as a result of this Governments draconian treatment, and those who mourn them.  

The working man (On minimum wage) who struggles to feed his family and pay his bills even with the addition of tax credits and housing benefit! A man who must now find money from God knows where to pay a tax on his spare room, or down size into a smaller property that doesn’t exist!

The determined, fun loving, intelligent graduate who has spent almost every waking minute for the past two years trying (unsuccessfully) to find a job that pays a living wage and now faces losing her home due to bedroom and council tax charges that she simply can’t afford to pay.

And this week added to this already long list of ‘first and foremost’ my heart, thoughts and prayers are with my (disabled) best friend, who died unexpectedly on the same day as 'Margaret  Millionaire Thatcher'.

Any ‘Ding Donging’ going on in my house (or head) that day was silenced abruptly at 6.15pm when a voice on the other end of the phone said “Tracey’s dead”!

We were friends for 43 years, we grew up together, I never got to say goodbye!

The Government will NOT notice my friends passing, except perhaps that their figures will now show one less disabled person reliant on the state! 

So my friends, am I appalled that our Government think it’s acceptable to fund a millionaires funeral!? (whilst declaring it can’t afford to support all those I've prayed for *first and foremost* this week) Yes I'm appalled, yes I am and so 'I would imagine' is my God! 

PRAYER
Come by here my Lord, please come by here. Amen

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x 

"They Get Me"

I feel like I should title this post *Am Writing* because for reasons known only to me I haven’t been able to write a damn thing 'worth reading' over the past few weeks. There have been so many things going on in my life (and head) that I haven’t known where to start. In fact, my problem was probably that my muddled mind was attempting to fit ten blog posts into one making very little sense in the process!

Today I feel I should start by explaining in some way my last post which I suspect made no sense at all to anyone but me.

As most of you know my mental illness interferes with my ability to cope with many everyday activities without the support of ‘The Body Guard’ and those things I do manage alone are only doable if he is at least nearby. I could give for instances but we would be here all day so I won't.

Probably most significant at the moment given the fear every DWP letter, phone call and assessment instills in me is that my disability also prevents me from working. (Trust me if I could work I would even if just to be free of ‘THEM’) As I’m unable to function at home or outdoors without support it also prevents ‘TheBodyGuard’ from working, although given that I care for our disabled child with his help and he cares for us both with no help (full time) I would (with all due respect) ask those who see fit to judge us to *define work*

Anyway back to my last ramble (here) >> That thing that I do feels unsafe  following a harmless conversation on twitter I found myself imagining that the powers that be might be watching me, that they might - a) object to my constant tweeting against the unfairness of a system that treats vulnerable people so appallingly and - b) that as I am (sometimes) capable of knocking out a blog and to some degree (though limited) use a computer they would decide I am fit for work

Of course if this were to happen I wouldn't find myself miraculously cured, (if it were that easy I’d have plonked myself in front of an ATOS assessor 'voluntarily' years ago!) I could however be sanctioned for not doing as I’m told though and this terrifies me. I mean really terrifies me, a constant, sometimes overwhelming fear that has served to exacerbate my symptoms dramatically!

Thoughts* that the powers that be might actually be stalking me (*paranoid, obsessive, panicky terror would be more accurate) led me to run away from a support network that quite frankly has become my life line!

Without the support of these people, some of whom I've come to care very much about and who I believe feel the same way about me I felt isolated, afraid and extremely low. I continued to watch 'through the window so to speak' the comings and goings of my on line friends. I saw all their highs, lows, happy moments and cries for help but despite my fingers itching to tap out support, virtual hugs, encouragement and solidarity, fear prevented me from doing so!

Selfishly after days of tears, isolation, intrusive thoughts, and (though I’m ashamed to admit it) self harm, it was my own need of support that eventually prompted me to seek reassurance and after a private conversation with someone I felt I could trust I was able to (tentatively at first) step back into*The wonderful world of Twitter*.

Now some might question why this virtual world has become so important to me, why many of the people there have come to mean so much to me. Well let me try and explain.

I have a husband who is incredibly supportive but he doesn’t suffer with mental illness so though he’s patient, sympathetic and claims to love me regardless. *He doesn’t get me*

I have an elderly vulnerable mother who is reaching out to me, she’s sorry for past actions, worried sick about me and so desperate to be let in. A mother who knows exactly what it’s like to live with a mental illness. She has changed beyond all recognition from the mother I feared as a child.

The arms that once lashed out at me are now wide open, the lips that once spat such anger my way are now kissy, smiley and speak only of her love for me. Her expression is loving, pleading, slightly pathetic and her rage a thing of the past. BUT.... Though I can forgive her, I feel resentful and vulnerable in her presence.*I can’t trust her*

I have five amazing children who though not completely untouched by their mum’s mental illness have been largely protected from it over the years. Four of them are adults now and would listen to me if I asked but I WON’T burden them any more than I have done in the past and with the possible exception of my middle son who has ADHD and some obsessive tendencies himself, *They don’t get me*

I have a therapist who is kindness itself and paid to listen.  As pointed out to me by a good friend recently, 'one to one' therapy is not that easy to come by and I’m very lucky to have her. BUT *I’m afraid to trust her*

I have a psychiatrist who spends ten minutes every three months trying to convince me that drugs are the answer to all my prayers, seemingly unaware of the fact that I have tried various drugs in the past, (do they ever read the notes)

Some tablets actually increased symptoms, others turned me into a *far away person* (tongue stuck to roof of mouth, disassociated) and some lead me into very dangerous territory. I'm afraid of medication! (I suspect there is another blog here, watch this space)

Here is another person that I find difficult to trust and unless his knowledge of mental illness comes from personal experience rather than an education and a pile of text books, *He doesn't get me*    

So there it is my friends, 'The wonderful world of Twitter' means so much to me because its full of empathetic people who I've never met and *They Get Me*

POSITIVE THOUGHT  :O)

Next week I am going to meet one of my Twitter friends and despite being *intrusive thoughty* kinda nervous I am also *bubbly tummy* very excited! Eeeeek!

You know what seems really strange to me though (and reassuringly positive)…. Despite having never met this person and despite OCD doing its best to convince me otherwise *I TRUST HER*  

P’S For all you spelling and grammar freaks out there, yes I do know there’s no such word as *thoughty*  I write as I speak I’m afraid. This means of - course that if I ever get round to writing that book I’ve been harping on about for years I’ll be an editors nightmare!

PRAYER

Lord, Thank you for bringing me through a really tough few weeks, for giving me the strength to cope with my own struggles and still be open to those of others. Thank you for leading me to a whole bunch of *lovelies* who are willing despite their own struggles to support me through mine.  Amen

Thank you as always friends for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Authors note >> I feel I must point out that while my own experience of medication in the past has been negative I have spoken to a good number of people who have responded well to medication and subsequently noticed improvement in their symptoms of mental illness. It’s also worth noting that in my case fear of medication is exacerbated by intrusive thoughts, a symptom of ‘OCD’. 

Sick NOT scrounging! #WOWpetition

I have been asked by the organizers of the 'WOW' campaign to write a piece on why I personally support the WOW petition. You will find details about the campaign just below my own little ramble. Please do sign it only takes a moment and your signature could be the one that makes all the difference!


So here friends in short are my reasons for supporting the WOW petition.

My child and I are both disabled. We didn't ask to be or want to be a burden on society but we are! There is no choice, either we take the handouts that so many believe us unworthy of or we are unable to survive! 

If under the new benefit reforms the powers that be decide that we no longer (in their opinion) qualify for benefits we will STILL be disabled! We will STILL need my husbands full time care. I would STILL be unable to go out alone or care for my daughter alone! The ONLY difference such a decision would make is that we would have nothing to live on!

My daughter was born disabled, she will always be disabled, she will always need support from another person to survive, she will always have to rely on welfare, she will not be able to navigate the system alone! I fear for her future!

I feel terrified of the benefits system and I am fearfully obsessed at what they will throw at disabled people next. Aside from fearing for my own family I feel deeply concerned by the impact that cuts to welfare and services are having on other sick and disabled people.

I fear the dreaded DWP letter every day, the sound of the post man fiddling with our letter box in his efforts to deliver our post puts me in a state of panic which continues to have a negative affect on me long after my husband has checked and reassured me that today is not the day that I will have to begin AGAIN the process of proving how disabled I am! 

Its a constant and overwhelming fear. 

A letter could come tomorrow, next week, next year but one thing is certain, IT WILL COME and as the process first time round has made me extremely unwell (now physically as well as mentally) I'm not sure I would survive the process second time round!

Fear of the Government, the media and the benefit system, fear of being judged by those in society who have no understanding of invisible illness/disability and are taken in by the 'scrounger' rhetoric have led to a dramatic and terrifying increase in my symptoms and have caused additional disorders that were not there prior to this combined attack against welfare recipients! 

Over the past year as a direct result I have developed a serious Eating disorder (self starvation) I'm awaiting tests to determine if the pain in my bones and joints is the onset of osteoporosis bought on by my eating disorder. My hair is falling out through stress and lack of nourishment and my existing mental health issues which have troubled me since childhood and were already extremely debilitating have been greatly exacerbated!     
 
In addition to the fear of the next ESA assessment there is also the fear of the PIP assessments which all disabled people will have to endure when the process of replacing DLA begins. 

Before this cruel campaign against the most vulnerable people in society, I was just about managing with huge restriction and controls in place to cope! My husband was managing to get through most days with a smile on his face and our daughter was the centre of our world.
 
Today my husband and I just about manage existence and our daughter who has complex care needs is caught up in the middle wondering why mummy doesn't play anymore and daddy doesn't smile!

Please continue reading to find out more about the WOW campaign.

Spearheaded by Actress/comedienne 'Francesca Martinez' WOW petition is NEW and INCLUSIVE 

 

Francesca Martinez discussing Welfare Reform on This Week

 

On Tuesday 18th December, disabled and sick people, people with learning and mental health difficulties, their families and carers launched a petition calling for an end to the War on Welfare being waged by their own government.

The Welfare budget, and particularly benefits going to sick and disabled people, has been heavily and unfairly targeted for cuts. It is said we can no longer afford the current welfare state. In reality however, as a percentage of GDP, the welfare budget is now lower than it was at any time during the eighties. While at the same time the combined wealth of Britain's 1,000 richest people increased by almost 5% to over £414bn.

In order to resist the government's cruel and failing welfare policies, sick and disabled people, together with their carers, families and friends, have combined using social media to produce the #WOWpetition. This calls for an end to the War on Welfare. Spearheaded by actress and comedian Francesca Martinez the WOW petition aims to get 100,000 signatures to end this War on welfare by the Government.  We will be calling for a Cumulative Impact Assessment, an independent inquiry and if necessary, the repeal of the Welfare Reform Act of 2012.

We believe that every single person in the country has a reason to resist the War on Welfare. Some of us may be fortunate enough not to need the safety net our Welfare State provides, but this could all change for any one of us, tomorrow. It only takes an accident or a shock diagnosis to render us ill or disabled, and dependent on a system of benefits and services which is currently being dismantled.

The 'Greatest Generation' fought WWII believing they had secured this safety net for themselves, their children and generations to come. Don't let it go without a fight! We owe it to them. We owe it to ourselves to ensure a decent and dignified life for all who are sick and disabled, and to provide security for all our futures. The deaths of disabled people linked to the Welfare Reform Act and the Work Capability Assessment administered on behalf of the Government by the private corporation Atos are reported in the press with alarming regularity. We believe that in any humane society the Government would want to know if one of their flagship policies was in any way responsible for a 'slow genocide' of the sick and disabled. Please join Francesca Martinez and the WOW campaign in resisting the deaths and unnecessary suffering being caused: Sign the
document on the government’s e-petitions website
 
For more information you can click on one of the links below:
 
www.wowpetition.com
Twitter @WOWpetition & @WOWpetitionchat
Facebook WOWpetition 

The WOW Petition Forum

 

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog, I will finish as I always do on a pray and a positive thought.

 

POSITIVE THOUGHT

Over 52,000 people have already signed the WOWpetition. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful.  

 

PRAYER

Lord, Please bless all those who are sick, disabled and afraid for their future. I pray for all those who care enough to fight alongside them for their right to live with dignity and security. Amen 

 

Thank you for allowing me to share.

 

God bless you and all those you love

 

Kimmie x

'ASPIRATIONS OF A BENEFIT SCROUNGER!

For the past few days I have been pondering over ‘David Camerons’ recent address to the nation during which he twice declared ‘Tory’ Britain to be an ‘Aspiration Nation’. Using the words ‘aspiration’ and aspirational’ a total of nine times during his speech he arrogantly declared that ‘Aspiration Nation’ is to be built upon hard work - strong families - taking responsibility and a desire to succeed.

While speaking of his Aspiration Nation’ he implies that ‘scroungers’ like me and mine lurk behind our curtains in the morning while decent hard working people head off for work.
He implies ‘through the back door’ so to speak that all people who rely on welfare (and if his actions are anything to go by that includes the sick and disabled) are weak, dysfunctional families who lack  responsibility!

Before I go any  further with this latest bloggy ramble I would like to share with you all (and that includes you ‘Dave') the meaning of the word ‘Aspiration’ just so we’re all clear.

The (noun) ‘Aspiration’ has four senses:
1) A will to succeed - a goal that one strives toward - an aim
2) A cherished desire - a longing - a hope
3) A manner of articulation involving an audible release of breath
4) The act of inhaling - the drawing in of air (or other gases) as in breathing

Well I’m fairly sure that most of us manage the third at some point or other especially I suspect if we are listening to one of Mr Cameron’s speeches.
The fourth sense of the word refers to something we are all required to do in order to stay alive, some of us without thinking - others with considerably more difficulty depending on health!

Today on a personal level while at the same time sticking two fingers up at Mr Cameron and the rest of his evil (there’s no other word for them) tribe I would like to focus on the first and second senses of the word ‘Aspiration’.

So what are my aspirations? What have I aspired to in the past, what are my aspirations for the future? My hopes - goals - cherished desires.
How have I succeeded in the past how do I hope to in the future? What goals did I strive toward today?

Well lets start with today. At tea time today I was making my way miserably through a huge mound of ironing I felt extremely depressed, was plagued by intrusive thoughts and due to self starvation and severe fatigue found I had to stop what I was doing every now and then to hang onto the ironing board fearing I was going to pass out.

I was not really strong enough to be out of bed let alone attempting household chores and yet there I was determined that my long suffering hubby would not have to add this task to his already very long list of things to do!

I had to will myself on, my aspirations’ as I worked were firstly and probably most importantly to get through the task in hand without giving into the urge to place the hot iron down onto the back of my arm whilst ‘Thebodyguard was in the next room attending to our daughter and secondly to smooth and put away every last item in the crumpled pile beside me. 

I had a goal this tea time - a will to succeed - an aim! I strove towards my goal and I achieved it.

Now let me take you back seven years to the birth of my 5th child. She was born weak, floppy, unable to cry - move - open her eyes or feed. She spent three weeks in the special care baby unit during which time there were many occasions where we had reason to fear we might lose her. When she was just over a week old we were told that she had a chromosome disorder (Prader Willi Syndrome) and would always have special needs, we were devastated!

By week two although still too weak to move, cry or feed herself she had been moved from the high dependency unit to the room next door (The preparing to go home room) My husband and I were terrified!

Our baby needed two people to bath her (one to hold her extremely floppy head up and the other to attend to the rest) she was prone to frequent deceleration of the heart and was wired constantly to a monitor and would remain so for the first year of life.
She needed  repositioning every hour day and night, she was and still is unable to produce correct amount of saliva and needed hourly mouth care. She could not regulate and maintain correct body temperature and she was too weak to suck so needed tube feeding.

In order for us to take our little girl home we as parents would need to learn how to do all of the things that until now medical staff had done for us!  We would have an on call team and a PCN who would come in every day to do observations and address any concerns  but effectively my husband and I would now be responsible for all of her considerable and complex care needs.

Well let me tell you friends we had a cherished desire - a longing - a will to succeed during and way beyond these first few weeks of our ‘Littlies’ life.
We had a huge goal to strive toward and despite my already complex mental health issues, despite the fact that ‘Thebodyguard’ had no choice but to give up work to help with her care needs and despite the fact that we were drowning in fear strive we did! We aspired, we learnt and we took our child home!

Fast forward a few weeks and we find ourselves at home with our still extremely vulnerable child,
I am by now unable to go out alone and have not left the house without my hubby since coming home from hospital. My fear of the outside world has somehow developed into full blown agoraphobia and in addition to this I panic to the point of passing out if left alone at home!
My OCD is probably the worst it’s ever been and my clinical depression is topped up with a lovely dose of postnatal depression, my husband and I are both on our knees with fatigue and the crisis team call in every other day!

I am picturing ‘David Cameron' and his henchmen Iain Duncan Smith' and 'George Osborne'  now as I write and I can’t help but feel bloody angry! How dare they suggest that because we are on welfare we are weak, dysfunctional or lazy.

During the first eight months of ‘Littlies’ life I aspired to breast feed her, it was sole destroying but breast is best right? And let me tell you she needed all the help she could get!
This is a long blog and I forgive you if you’ve buggered off by now but let me try and explain just how difficult this particular ‘aspiration’ was:

Without a child stimulating my breast my body was not receiving the correct messages this meant that every time I sat down at the breast pump I would remain there for a period of around two hours (day and night) with that evil bloody machine pulling at me as if I was a prize cow in order to produce just enough milk for one feed.

When I wasn’t at the pump I had my lifeless child at my breast squeezing tiny drops of milk into her passive mouth in the hope of stimulating a sucking reflex mindful all the time of her lack of gag reflex and the possibility of fluid reaching her lung!
I spent hours implicating the mouth therapies I had been taught by the PCN which involved pushing up onto the roof of the babies mouth with my finger firmly.

When ‘Littlie’was eight months old I removed her feeding tube without advice and sat with her day and night for a week doing nothing other than trying to strengthen the weak sucking reflex that she had by now begun to developed. During this time the breast pump was almost permanently attached to which ever breast she wasn’t latched onto at the time.

Well we did it! After months and months of ‘aspiring’ towards this goal - this cherished desire, we bloody did it!

Hows that for ’Aspiration’ Mr Cameron’? Clearly not good enough!....

If I were to list all of my past aspirations and hopes for the future I would put you off of ever coming back so I will now wrap up this rather long ramble.

I will finish by touching in brief on my mental illness. I have had mental health issues since childhood.
I saw my first psychiatrist at age eleven and have lost count of how many different therapists I have seen since, how many different courses of treatment I have tried to engage with. I have aspired all my life to be well and will continue aspiring toward that goal for as long as I live!

PRAYER
LORD, Thank you for giving my family and I the strength we have needed to get through some very difficult circumstances. Amen

POSITIVE THOUGHT
I may never be well enough to work I may always need ‘Thebodyguard’ by my side, but I will never ever give up!

Thank you for allowing me to share 

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                                      Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved



www.wowpetition.com
Twitter @WOWpetition 
Facebook WOWpetition