'Twitter just' Guest Post

The following post was written by a twitter friend of mine >>  BPD FFS sue sibbald @BPDFFS 

Sue campaigns for better services for people with BPD (BorderLine Personality Disorder) - She is a Governor at Sheffield Health and Social Trust runs and also trains CMHT staff in BPD awareness.
You can join Sue on Sunday evenings at 9pm for chats by following #BPDchat on Twitter

Sue has agreed to be my guest this evening (Thanks Sue) I feel many of you will relate to what she has to say.

It is with great pleasure that I now hand you over to 'Sue'. 

TWITTER JUST

Abandonment rejection, I don’t do endings, endings do me. My Achilles heal, my dark dark cave, my shame, my place where I hurt so much I can’t move. 

Imagine the shame of being so attached to someone that when they leave its catastrophic, imagine you know the people who care for you know that. Imagine my shame, imagine my shame. Slow down, I slow down, I cry I cry, my pain is like a fire burning me - memories - my past  - my being left. I want you to stay, don’t leave me, don’t leave me. 

You overdosing, I see you from the stairs, I’m so small and I remember, away you go, *again* and I can’t be with you, I’m frightened, I’m so scared of you, but don’t leave me, don’t go. Don’t go! 

My mum - no support - schizophrenic.

The diagnostic manual DSM IV that gives us our label states the following as one of the five of the nine criteria needed for a diagnosis of BPD > Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Oh I imagine abandonment everywhere!

Attachment theory says failure to form secure attachments early in life can have a negative impact on behaviour in later childhood and throughout life ~ 'Bowlby 1969 and Ainsworth 1978' . 

Trauma early in life causes disorganized attachments - I don’t know if it’s safe to be with you or should I run away - I so want to be friends with you - I don’t want to be alone but watch out I don’t trust you - you’ll hurt (me run away, run away) Accept and reject, I hate you don’t leave me. Push and pull. I STAND ALONE and I cry. Friends are so hard.

(Bio/Social theory says we are born emotional into an invalidating environment which causes difficulties in managing our emotions)
It means I don’t do endings, I see people rejecting me and abandoning me, everyday, in every small way. 

A text not returned - ignored on Twitter - people being late - feeling left out and I talk to myself all day, an internal conversation, "it’s not real" - "the traffic is bad" - "they’re busy" but still I bite my lip, I dig my nails into my hand, I can’t cry in front of you, oh the shame! 

I should be strong, big girls don’t cry. DON’T CRY! And I cry inside and I cry like now.

I’ve started to log my feelings of abandonment and rejection. I’ve started to understand my triggers and although I still feel the pain I’m learning to manage my behaviours. I talk to me, I’m learning to self sooth be kind to me, understand me. I see endings as beginnings. Although it hurts and I feel.

Just don’t leave me. 

View all posts by bpdffs » 

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Thank you my friends as always for allowing me to share, please do look Sue up via one of the above links, I'm sure she'd love to connect with you. 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie X

Before you go can I ask you please to take a look at the WOW petition below? Please sign to help WOW fight Government cuts to Disability services and benefits! Thank you x

Please join Francesca Martinez and the WOW campaign in resisting the deaths and unnecessary suffering being caused: Sign the

document on the government’s e-petitions website
 

For more information you can click on one of the links below:
 

www.wowpetition.com

Twitter @WOWpetition & @WOWpetitionchat

Facebook WOWpetition 

The WOW Petition Forum

                                             

A Fine Line...!

Writing about my life with mental illness really helps me, it’s cathartic to write my thoughts down.

I made the decision to share my muddled mind through this blog because (though I’m far from recovery and therefore not really qualified to advise) I felt that sharing my experiences might help other sufferers feel less isolated.

I hope that by my ‘telling it how it is’ someone somewhere will find some relief in reading. 

Having said that I do worry (a lot!) that being too honest about some of my mental health symptoms may do more harm than good and it’s for that reason I’m going to suggest that if you're feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment you don’t read any further into this post…. 

In recent months I’ve had various conversations with friends (some via twitter, one face to face) who have recently self - harmed or are struggling with thoughts or urges relating to self - harm.

One lady (heartbreakingly) confided that she is mentally making plans to re home her pets because she feels suicidal and is concerned that she might act on these feelings leaving her pets uncared for.  

Some of the people I spoke to have complex mental health issues (some have physical disabilities too) and they all told me that their self- harm and/or suicidal thoughts are related to fear of their current or anticipated WCA (Work capability assessment).

Of course I know from personal experience that paranoid fear, irrational thoughts and an inability to cope with change often go hand in hand with mental illness, however, given the treatment that so many have endured at these DWP assessments interrogations it’s hardly surprising that so many sick & disabled people feel incredibly anxious at the moment.

People are desperately afraid - overwhelmed with fear - deeply affected by right wing ‘scrounger’ propaganda and very concerned about their future. 

They’re terrified by even the idea of having to expose themselves (face to face) at a ten minute (tick box) assessment (to a complete stranger) who is unlikely to be qualified to assess mental illness and even less likely to empathise. They are also despairingly aware that even if they are lucky enough to qualify for benefit it won't be long before the process begins again!  

Many are self - harming some feel suicide may be a better option than continuing to battle both debilitating mental illness and the ‘powers that be’.

Many are far sicker now (under a system that in many cases claims they are fit for work) than they were under the previous system which recognised that they were NOT fit for work and supported them accordingly.

Am I afraid? Yes I’m afraid, Very afraid. 

Has my own tendency to self - harm increased as a direct result of the coalition’s attitude towards disabled people?

Yes!  Though I’m ashamed to admit it my own self harming behaviour has increased both in severity and frequency.

Do I want to continue living with this daily, nightly overwhelming, debilitating fear? 

NO! Oh God no, it’s too much, too much….!  

I can’t see an end to it and my own symptoms have been greatly exacerbated.

Do I feel suicidal? - Do I wish I were dead?

Those of you who know me either through contact or through my writing will already know the answer to this question! You’ll know that I am and always have been terrified of death. You will have read here >> Scared to shut my eyes! about my overwhelming fear of death as a child, you’ll know how terrifying my intrusive thoughts are and how often they relate to fear of death.

NO - I don’t feel suicidal, I have NEVER felt suicidal no matter how much life, other people (or my own mind) has thrown at me. - No - I don't wish I were dead.

I  don’t now and I didn’t in 1986 when life, other people (and my own mind) caused me to suffer a complete mental breakdown and I attempted to take my own life.

I don’t remember how I got to my bedroom that evening with a full bottle of ‘paracetamol’ and a pint glass of water. I don’t remember planning or contemplating suicide or for one single moment wishing I was dead.

I don’t remember thinking about my 8 month old baby or wondering how he would cope without me.

I don’t remember feeling suicidal, I don’t remember wanting to die.

I DO vaguely remember taking the pills.

There was no lining up of tablets like you see on TV, no thoughts, no fear, no emotion, no tears, there was *nothingness*.

I tipped the pills from bottle to mouth (how I swallowed so many at once is beyond me) and washed each mouthful down with water until there were no more pills to take.

There are some blurry (vague) memories after that, my first husband slapping me very hard (this confused me) – baby crying - arriving at hospital in an ambulance – a black tarry substance  - gagging on a tube - a drip – a white ceiling through a strange tunnel vision, then blank again.  Days of nothing, no thoughts, no emotion – *nothingness*….!

I have never ‘contemplated’ suicide BUT in ‘1986’ (20  years old without so much as a passing thought for the first of my five children) I very nearly succeeded in taking my own life….!

I had a point when I started writing today and I’m not sure if I’ve succeeded in making it, so briefly  -  For many mental ill (and, indeed, physically ill) people - there is a very fine line between incredible strength, and *can’t take anymore*.  

I am deeply concerned that the UK Governments relentless cuts & cruel propaganda are pushing many already vulnerable people worryingly close to - *can’t take anymore*.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

I'm 27 years on, I'm still here and my fifth child (my last baby) is nagging me to move away from the lap top and use my imagination. I cannot stress enough how thankful I felt this evening when she rolled in from school and threw her smiley, gorgeous self into my arms. Life is tough at the moment, it has been to varying degrees for as long as I can remember but I feel incredibly blessed to be here.

PRAYER

Father, I pray your protection this day and always over the lives of all sick and disabled people. 

I pray peace for those who are oppressed, despairing, afraid and strength for those who are close to giving up.

I’m weighed down with their despair and with my own. I want to do something, make a difference - I don’t know how!

I’m open to suggestions Lord, in the meantime I place me and mine and them and theirs into your hands.  Amen.

Thank you as always for allowing me to share.

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                             Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved

A Ding Dong and A Prayer

In these times of such austerity I would object to Government spending millions of pounds on ANY ONES funeral, Let alone a multimillionaires! 

Now I’m the first to admit that I  never thought much of Maggie Thatcher, or her policies, and I also admit to ‘Ding Donging’ with the best of them when I first heard the news of her passing. In fact if I’m being really honest (which I generally am)  ‘Ding Dong’ had already occurred to me and been ‘smugly’ tweeted way before I’d a chance to realize that half of ‘Twitter World’ was one step ahead of me!

It might after reading that surprise some of you to hear that in addition to my ‘Ding Donging’ I have also prayed for her (Eyebrows down please, it’s a Christian thing) not the ‘Ding Donging’ obviously, ‘Hangs head in shame’, the praying I mean. 

It's hard praying for someone you feel nothing but contempt for, harder still when your feelings toward that person are not relieved by prayer! Perhaps praying for myself would have been more appropriate in this instance, since it was my own conscience that led me to pray for 'Maggie'. 
I'm not sure I'm making much sense! It's all very confusing. 
Being a Christian (in my head anyway) isn't always easy. 

You might also be surprised to hear given my frequent  *I can’t stand Tories rambles* that I often pray for them too (I can’t by the way – stand Tories; I despise everything they stand for!) but, it would be impossible for me to pray effectively for the people I DO care about without at least in passing praying for the hearts of these rich bully boys (and girls) - that their hearts will by some miracle be opened to the suffering of so many British people, (suffering they are directly responsible for!)

Having said all that, as a Christian, and as a human being, my heart, thoughts and prayers are first and foremost with........ 

The despairing parents who queue up with their frozen children at the ever growing number of food banks across the UK before returning their furrowed brows and frozen children to homes they can barely afford to heat! 

The 50 year old man made redundant through no fault of his own who unable to find alternative work now finds himself labelled scrounger by his own Government! (Striver to shirker overnight) despite having worked hard and paid into the system his whole damned life.

Sick and disabled people whose lives have been turned upside down under this regime. People whose own doctors are ignored in favour of under qualified ATOS/DWP assessors in a deliberate attempt to strip them of benefits. 

Frightened, vulnerable people whose illnesses/disabilities are being greatly exacerbated by constant and overwhelming fear of the next assessment interrogation.

The sick and disabled people who have died as a result of this Governments draconian treatment, and those who mourn them.  

The working man (On minimum wage) who struggles to feed his family and pay his bills even with the addition of tax credits and housing benefit! A man who must now find money from God knows where to pay a tax on his spare room, or down size into a smaller property that doesn’t exist!

The determined, fun loving, intelligent graduate who has spent almost every waking minute for the past two years trying (unsuccessfully) to find a job that pays a living wage and now faces losing her home due to bedroom and council tax charges that she simply can’t afford to pay.

And this week added to this already long list of ‘first and foremost’ my heart, thoughts and prayers are with my (disabled) best friend, who died unexpectedly on the same day as 'Margaret  Millionaire Thatcher'.

Any ‘Ding Donging’ going on in my house (or head) that day was silenced abruptly at 6.15pm when a voice on the other end of the phone said “Tracey’s dead”!

We were friends for 43 years, we grew up together, I never got to say goodbye!

The Government will NOT notice my friends passing, except perhaps that their figures will now show one less disabled person reliant on the state! 

So my friends, am I appalled that our Government think it’s acceptable to fund a millionaires funeral!? (whilst declaring it can’t afford to support all those I've prayed for *first and foremost* this week) Yes I'm appalled, yes I am and so 'I would imagine' is my God! 

PRAYER
Come by here my Lord, please come by here. Amen

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x 

One Class - Humanity

The following guest post was written and posted on twitter a couple of days ago by @THemingford Thomas Hemingford  A few people including myself felt that it deserved a wider audience.                                               

ONE CLASS - HUMANITY!

So, I tried the "class calculator" on the BBC website, it was a bit telling.

To start with there was no option for "carer" or "unable to work due to disability or illness", which I feel discriminates! Both of the above options affect income but not through choice or because of "market forces" etc. 
It concluded I was an "emergent service worker", which I found odd!

Anyway, the interesting thing was that when I did it again but using the circumstances my wife and I were in before disability took over our lives I was very surprised at the result. 

Years ago, I was lucky enough to earn a lot of money and my wife and I also managed to build up a substantial nest egg. We had a nice house too!

As many of you will know, we lost all of this through disability. We lost our jobs, our house, sold our cars, and then lived off our savings until they were exhausted. After years of hard work, we were left with no money and no assets. 

The interesting thing was that the calculator put me in the Elite group. Now, the only thing that had changed between my first and second inputs was the financials - income, value home, owning, not renting. Yet, it had significantly displaced me in the classification.

Now, I know we can say that this is just a bit of fun, silly software that doesn't mean anything but, if this does reflect how I'm classified or what ‘class’ I'm perceived to be in, then this means that my disability has changed my social class. It means the class system places me in a different class because of changes in my life that were out of my control and down to disabilities. I find that very distasteful and offensive. 

I actually find the concept of "class" to be vile, egotistical, and an example of how divide and rule can be woven into society. 

If I was still fit, and my wife was okay, I dare say our income would still be high. The point is regardless of income we're still the same people. The fact that we can't work now due to disabilities does NOT change who we are. I personally think that this shows just what nonsense "class" is, and how divisive the concept is. 

At the end of the day, we are all people, and putting man-made, virtual barriers between one another does not help one another. From the womb to the tomb, we are all human. We all belong to one class - HUMANITY!   By Thomas Hemingford.

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Thank you as always friends for allowing me to share, Iv'e had an interesting week myself and will pop back sometime in the next few days to throw it all your way :O)

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Before you go can I ask you please to take a look at the WOW petition below? Please sign to help WOW fight Government cuts to Disability services and benefits! Thankyou x

Please join Francesca Martinez and the WOW campaign in resisting the deaths and unnecessary suffering being caused: Sign the

document on the government’s e-petitions website
 

For more information you can click on one of the links below:
 

www.wowpetition.com

Twitter @WOWpetition & @WOWpetitionchat

Facebook WOWpetition 

The WOW Petition Forum