I have sat here staring at the blank page for so long now I can almost see you all sat at the foot of my bed shouting "For God's sake get on with it"!
The trouble is my friends, is that so much has happened since I last filled your minds with my woes that I really don't know where to start!
Perhaps I will begin with now, right now, this very minute!
Right now, I'm propped up in bed nursing a chest infection with my lap top in front of me trying to convince my fingers to dance joyfully across the keyboard tapping out all the words I believe people want to read in the week following Christmas!
Don't misunderstand me, I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of the year!
I love the lead up to Christmas, I delight in the fairy lights and decorations which fill almost every corner of my home. I anticipate with butterfly tummy and skipping heart my children's squeals of delight on Christmas morning. I love the chaos - the mess that out does all messes - the 'pringle' crumb carpet - the tripping over the long and short legs sprawled out into the middle of my very small dinning room as I attempt to get to the back door for a quick cigarette break - the five a.m stumble along the landing to be greeted by a wide awake 'Littlie' with stocking in hand shouting "he's been mummy, he's been".
I love it all, and indeed, despite the terrible few weeks leading up to Christmas, and the equally terrible week following; I did, as always, enjoy Christmas morning with my gorgeous ones!
The weeks leading up to Christmas are a bit of a fear filled blur to be honest, 'Littlie', who is disabled, was extremely ill, my insomnia was at it's worst due to an exacerbation of OCD symptoms (intrusive death thoughts) and in the hours I might normally have managed some exhaustion induced sleep I found I was too scared to shut my eyes in case 'Littlie' stopped breathing while I slept!
In the weeks following 'Littlies' birth and subsequent diagnoses we were given a lot of information about her condition (Prada Willi Syndrome) I read it all, and understood that any given symptom may or may not affect my child, that everything on the long list of symptoms varied in severity from one sufferer to the next. However, jumping from the page to be well and truly etched across my OCD mind forever, were the words 'sudden unexplained death'!
Now in addition to my fearing that my grey, wheezing child might die in the night if I dared to sleep there was as always in the weeks leading up to Christmas my ongoing fear of my own death! When I say 'as always' I mean as always, every day, for as long as I can remember, I have endured overwhelming fear and panic tied into thoughts of death!
These are not passing thoughts, these are intrusive thoughts, detailed imagery that invades my mind without warning, While going about everyday activities I actually see my own death in as much detail as I might see in a vivid nightmare, or in a film scene!
Another time I will go into more detail on these thoughts and how debilitating they can be, doing so will not help me in the long term, you see I have written and spoken about these intrusive images for years and, though cathartic at the time, it does not serve to stop them,
I am conscious that at the very least my writing about these thoughts here on the blog may help other sufferers realize that they are not alone, and for that reason I will come back to them.
Not today though, they would take up too much blog space, and today my mind is somewhere else. I hear you all breath a sigh of relief but don't get too excited friends, I haven't quite finished with you yet!
If I can ask you to follow me for a bit and bring your imaginations with you, I'll take you to where my mind is today....
We are now in a little upstairs council house toilet, the walls are 'apple white', there's a little frosted window to the left of us, the lino flooring is cold beneath our feet, the door is painted white, and there is a little round safety lock just below the door handle. On the floor is a pyjama clad child, she has long dark brown hair which half covers her face, she is crouched sobbing just behind the door, her left hand stretched out holding the little lock in position. The child is afraid and on the other side of the door her mother is ranting, shouting and swearing, banging on the door, "YOU LITTLE GIT" she shouts "OPEN THIS DOOR"!
I can see her so clearly, 'the child' from where I'm standing, I want to reach out and touch her, pull her into my arms and tell her it's okay, I want to hold her until she falls asleep and then carry her from the cold lino floor, past her screaming mother, and into her bed, I want to sit by her bed until morning and stroke her gently back to sleep if she should wake.
I want to tell her that it's all in her head, that no one will come into the room with a bread knife while she sleeps and cut her pretty head off, that there is no man in the wardrobe, no monsters at the window. I want to reassure her that the pillow her tear stained face is turned into will not suffocate her while she sleeps.
I want to say "come now child, you don't need to lock yourself in the toilet night after night for fear of dying while you sleep", "this will pass child, as you grow this WILL pass!"
If this were possible would she be comforted do you think or would she see through my lies, would she see into my mind as I can hers and know the worst is yet to come!
I'm still stood on the cold lino to the right of the little frosted window, and if you haven't yet gone back to what you were doing before I dragged you into a little 'apple white' council house toilet, then you're still stood beside me, on the floor in front of us the child still cries and on the other side of the door her mother still rages!
There is nothing I can say or do, the child can neither see nor hear me, I am her future, and she is my past.
If you came with me, I thank you, because I didn't want to go alone.
PRAYER
Lord, I'm blessed within my shadows of dreams of all that I could be, I pray through your 'Amazing Grace' I will one day be free. Amen
POSITIVE THOUGHT
I guess my positive thought today has to be all of you friends, Thank you for following my blog and offering such kind support both here in the comments section and via twitter, I honestly don't know how I used to managed without you all!
God bless you and all those you love
Kimmie x Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved
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