He will never live in This Year.

It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing) and I've spent most of today looking to google for inspiration for this New Years Eve post, specifically I was searching 'Happy'. 

I found it of-course, the internet is full of zipadeedoodah today, as it is every new years eve. I found positive posts, round ups posts, lists and lists of 'list' posts... and I found happy posts; other people's thoughts, feelings, wishes. Other people's Happy.

Many were inspiring... none inspired me. 

Actually, that's not quite true... they inspired me to write a list; a stupidly-long list of Happy-New-Year-blog-post-ideas. When I sat down to write this evening I had every intention of using idea #4... 'There's Something Good In Every Day'. 

I could have pulled that one off too, you know... I could have rambled till your eyes were bossed about how blessed I am; how lucky I am, how grateful I am. Because I am. 

You know what else I am... honest. Throwing a load of zipadeedoodah your way this evening... wouldn't have been honest! (I do however wish YOU as much zipadeedoodah as you can handle :o))

***

It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of tomorrow! 

This year has been the worst year of my life (so far). This year broke my heart; almost broke me, but I don't want to leave it. My Dad lived in this year.

My Dad hugged me this year. My Dad laughed, and cried this year. This year I heard Dads voice, breathed his smell...read 'I love you' in his eyes. 

Tomorrow will be the first day of a year that doesn't have my Dad in it, and I'm scared. I don't want to leave him behind.

As of tomorrow... 'Dad died LAST year'.  Not this year, not even 7 months ago... LAST  year! He will never live in this year.

As of tomorrow... I will never have a THIS year that has Dad in it again. 

***

It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), it's cold outside, and set to get colder and I (though grieving) am warm, fed, housed and Oh-so-cared-for, as (I sincerely hope) are you. 

I decided against an end of year round up of my blog posts this year... #6 on my list of ideas... but I'd love for you to visit (or revisit) just THIS ONE. It means a lot to me. :) 

***

It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), and I want to thank YOU, dear readers of my rambles, for reading, commenting (I love your comments :), for being there, for being your beautiful selves... and especially for your support this past (incredibly tough) year. You lot make my day... EVERY DAY! 

I wish you ALL a (heartfelt) HAPPY NEW YEAR! :o) 

***

Thank you as always for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

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Deck the Halls... better late than never.

I'm late posting my Christmas paraphernalia this year. I usually have the halls decked by the 1st of December but (despite making a start early November) I was well into December before finishing. 

Fibromyalgia had me decking the halls with boughs-of-ouchie, and as this is my first Christmas without Dad there wasn't a lot of fa-la-la'ing going on. I'm glad I pushed on with it though, Littlie's eyes are shinning as a child's eyes should be, and me? Well, I love Christmas, and the Merry-and-Bright is doing me the world of good... Fa-la-la-la-la...la-la-la-la :o) 

Christmas is my absolute favorite... I like it a lottle (that's like a little, but a lot). 

I love the lead up to Christmas, I delight in the fairy lights and decorations which fill almost every corner of my home. I love the chaos of Christmas morning... the mess that out does all messes - the pringle-crumb-carpet - the tripping over of the long and short legs sprawled out into the middle of my very small dinning room as I attempt to get to the back door for a quick cigarette break - the 5am stumble along the landing to be greeted by a wide awake Littlie with stocking in hand, shouting "he's been Mummy, he's been!" 

I love it all, and despite the underlying sadness this year I'm really looking forward to Christmas morning with my gorgeous ones. 

Right, that's enough of my rambling... better-late-than-never; our home has been well and truly decked and I'd really love to share it with you all.

My house is a squash-and-a-squeeze and the dinning table's been packed away to make room for the tree so (unless you're a fairy) there's nowhere to sit, but you're all so welcome!  Heating's on, kettle's on, and there's mince pies in the tin... help yourselves.

And now to the Merry-and-Bright... 

My tree... An evening job (more accurately several evenings), on my own with Rod Stewart ringing in my ears... No touching (or tail-wagging) allowed! 

The lounge trees... a joint effort... some touching allowed :o) 

Littlie's tree (in her bedroom), she gets to do what she likes with this one... I like it but wouldn't wanna sleep with it... she loves it :)

The back door... this picture doesn't show the full glory of this area of the house at Christmas time... it's my favorite part of the house when decked... the windows mirror all of the downstairs fairy lights giving the impression that the whole garden is lit up...it's magical!

The old fish tank... which stands in the dinning room for most of the year looking like a heap of, well, old fish tank, and is magically (with the help of 4 rolls of cotton wool and a ton of fake snowflakes) transformed into Littlie's winter-wonderland each Christmas. 

The banisters

Most of my decs are years old... that's what makes them so special... my halls are decked with memories... Christmassy pages of my life...my kid's lives. I do add something to the collection each year though and this gorgeous Nativity is the latest addition. I love it! 

***

Thank you all, Dear friends, readers-of-my-rambles for your support this past year...it's been a tough one and I couldn't have got through it without YOU! 

I wish you all a very merry Christmas 

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x

P.S... 

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Message in a Bottle... Wordless Wednesday

For you, Dad 

I miss you so much

Kimmie x

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Is Nothing Sacred Anymore.

With all of my heart 

and all that I am 

I loved you... love you still

More than any other 

ever before 

I trusted you

Is nothing sacred anymore!

***

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

Related post: Where I once saw Special 

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Wordless Wednesday 18/11/2015... Christmas Past.

I made a start on this years Christmas decorations today (never too early for Christmas...IMO). Anyway, I'm feeling festive, so...here's one (A Christmas) I made earlier :o)

 

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x

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STILL afraid... and the Line's STILL fine!

I originally wrote the following piece in 2013... I'm sharing it again today, edited only marginally, because almost 3 years on there is STILL no change for the better... Government are STILL ignoring campaigners... Disabled people (those who have survived the sustained attacks) are STILL afraid!

***

Writing about my life with mental illness really helps me, it’s cathartic to write my thoughts down.

I made the decision to share my muddled mind through this blog because I felt that sharing my experiences might help other sufferers (and me) feel less isolated.

I hope that by my ‘telling it how it is’ someone somewhere will find some relief in reading. 

Having said that I do worry (a lot!) that being too honest about some of my mental health symptoms may do more harm than good and it’s for that reason I’m going to suggest that if you're feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment you don’t read any further into this post... 

A FINE LINE

In recent years I’ve had various conversations with friends (some via social media, some face to face) who report an increase in self-harm, and/or suicidal-thoughts... and I've lost count of how many articles of same/similar I've read on line. 

One lady (heartbreakingly) confided that she is mentally making plans to re-home her pets because she feels suicidal and is concerned that she might act on these feelings, leaving her pets uncared for.  

Many of the people I've spoken to have complex mental health issues (some have physical disabilities too),  and they have told me that their increase (or onset) of self-harming behaviours/thoughts, and/or suicidal thoughts are directly related to fear of Government, DWP, and current or anticipated WCA (Work capability assessment).

Of course, I know from personal experience that paranoid fear, irrational thoughts and an inability to cope with change often go hand in hand with mental illness, however, given the relentless cuts to disability welfare and services, the Government/media propaganda, and the treatment that so many have endured at DWP assessments interrogations, it’s hardly surprising that so many sick/disabled people feel incredibly anxious at the moment.

People are desperately afraid, overwhelmed with fear. Many are deeply affected by right wing ‘scrounger’ propaganda and incredibly worried about their future. 

They’re terrified by even the idea of having to expose themselves (face to face) at a ten minute (tick box) assessment (to a complete stranger) who is unlikely to be qualified to assess mental illness and even less likely to empathise. They are also despairingly aware that even if they are lucky enough to qualify for benefit it won't be long before the process begins again!  

Many are self-harming, some feel suicide may be a better option than continuing to battle both debilitating illness and the ‘powers that be’.

Some are far sicker now under a system that (in many cases) claims they are fit for work than they were under the previous system which recognised that they were NOT and supported them accordingly.

Am I afraid? (May 2013) Yes I’m afraid, very afraid! 

(Nov 2015)... Still afraid...and the line's still fine.

Has my own tendency to self-harm increased as a direct result of the coalition’s attitude towards disabled people?

Yes!  Though I’m ashamed to admit it, it has.

Do I want to continue living with this daily, nightly, debilitating fear?

NO! Oh God no!  

I can’t see an end to it, the future is scary, and my own symptoms of mental (and physical) illness have been greatly exacerbated.

Do I ever wonder if my husband, family, (The State) would do better without the-burden-of-me? 

Sometimes.

Do I feel suicidal? - Do I wish I were dead?

Those of you who know me either through contact or through my writing will already know the answer to this question! You’ll know that I am and always have been terrified of death. You will have read here >> Scared to shut my eyes! about my overwhelming fear of death as a child, you’ll know how terrifying my intrusive thoughts are and how often they relate to death.

NO - I don’t feel suicidal, I have NEVER felt suicidal no matter how much life, other people (or my own mind) has thrown at me.  No, I don't wish I were dead.

I  don’t wish I were dead now, and I didn’t in 1986 when life, other people (and my own chaotic mind) caused me to suffer a complete mental breakdown and I attempted to take my own life...

I don’t remember how I got to my bedroom that evening with a full bottle of ‘paracetamol’ and a pint glass of water. I don’t remember planning or contemplating suicide or for one single moment wishing I was dead.

I don’t remember thinking about my 8 month old baby or wondering how he would cope without me.

I don’t remember feeling suicidal, I don’t remember wanting to die.

I DO vaguely remember taking the pills.

There was no lining up of tablets like you see on TV, no thoughts, no fear, no emotion, no tears... there was *nothingness*.

I tipped the pills from bottle to mouth (how I swallowed so many at once is beyond me) and washed each mouthful down with water until there were no more pills to take.

There are some blurry (vague) memories after that, my first husband slapping me very hard (this confused me) – baby crying - arriving at hospital in an ambulance – a black tarry substance  - gagging on a tube - a drip – a white ceiling through a strange tunnel vision, then blank again.  Days of nothing, no thoughts, no emotion... *nothingness*!

I have never ‘contemplated’ suicide, BUT in ‘1986’ (20  years old, without so much as a passing thought for the first of my five children) I very nearly succeeded in taking my own life!

***

I had a point when I started writing today and I’m not sure if I’ve succeeded in making it, so briefly... 

For many mentally ill (and indeed, physically ill) people there is a very fine line between incredible strength, and *can’t take anymore*.  

I am deeply concerned that the UK Governments relentless cuts and cruel propaganda are pushing so many vulnerable people worryingly close to... *can’t take anymore*. 

***

POSITIVE THOUGHT

I'm now almost 30 years on, I'm still here, I cannot stress enough how thankful I am for that!

How thankful I'll feel this evening when my fifth child (my baby) rolls in from school and throws her smiley-gorgeous-self into my arms.

How thankful I am to be here when my older-no-longer-at-home-kids turn up needing Mum.

How Thankful-thrilled-bubbly-excited I will be in 7ish months time when I hold my first Grandbaby.

Life is tough at the moment, it has been to varying degrees for as long as I can remember but I feel incredibly blessed to be here.

If you're feeling vulnerable/at risk at the moment, dear reader, please, talk to someone...confide in someone you trust... a family member, friend (IRL or on line), a medical professional, support worker or carer.

***

Thank you, as always, for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Before you go, can I ask that you consider signing the *NEW* #WOWpetition... in support of the UK's chronically sick & disabled people.

You'll find more details about the WOW-campaign HERE

The petition (should you wish to sign it) is HERE

You can follow/support the WOW-campaign on twitter HERE

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***

Wordless Wednesday 28/10/2015... Such Love!

Kimmie x

Related post... Marie's Voice... the story behind the pic

All Finished Now.

You're bad, do you hear me; BAD BAD BAD

Look at me

I SAID LOOK AT ME!

God, you make me so mad.

Get up those stairs

get out of my sight

You're bad, do you hear me

you wont eat tonight

For goodness sake child

what’s wrong with you

Why must you wind me up like you do

If I say quiet - I mean QUIET

why can't you see

Just do as you're told, child

LISTEN TO ME!...

***

Shhh... shhh-shhh 

 Come on now, good girl 

Mummy's sorry
Shhh now
no more tears
Mummy's sorry-Mummy's sorry

That's it, that's it baby

there-there 

all better

no harm done

All finished now 

all finished

Mummy loves you

Mummy loves you

Mummy loves you

Mummy loves you

***

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x

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Blessed within the Shadows

Do you see in me what GOD sees? 

Do you hear what he hears?

He sees so much more than mental illness, 

paranoia, fear.

Can you empathize as GOD does 

with the shadows from my past

If you looked at me with his eyes 

would you see behind the mask.

I know it hurts your feelings 

when I pull from your embrace,

I'm trapped, but always open 

to the sadness on your face.

GOD alone knows the real me, 

locked deep inside this skin

can you understand, as he does 

why I cannot let you in?

Imagine the blackest darkness, 

close your eyes, focus; are you there?

There are demons in the shadows, 

so tread carefully, beware!

I hide here in the darkness 

too afraid to venture out,

Tears frozen on my eyelids, 

suppressed, can’t scream or shout.

Now imagine you're looking through GODS eyes, 

can you see that little light?

It’s tiny in the darkness, do you see it? 

It burns so very bright.   

There’s beauty in that little light, 

such love, kindness, creativity.  

That little glowing pocket 

in the darkness that you see?

That little glowing pocket, 

is Gods 'AMAZING ME'.

©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved  

I’m blessed within the shadows 
by dreams of all that I could be

In hope, I pray, that through ‘AMAZING GRACE’ 

I will one day be free.

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x

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Flower Pot Doodle... Wordless Wednesday 14/10/2015

Kimmie x

Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved