Just-a-Quote #9 (Grief. The Loneliest Loneliness)

"Grief is the loneliest loneliness." ~ Kimmie

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PRAYER
I'm lonely, so so lonely... but not alone in grief; a few of my friends have lost loved-ones recently. Lord, bless them, please. Hold them tight. Help them through the 'Lonely'. Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

Bless you; all of you who have supported me over the past year... It's meant more to me than you could possibly know. 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x

Related Post: In a nutshell... Because Nutshells are easy.

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Wordless Wednesday 20/04/2016... Creative Breakfast

Kimmie x

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Is Nothing Sacred Anymore.

With all of my heart 

and all that I am 

I loved you... love you still

More than any other 

ever before 

I trusted you

Is nothing sacred anymore!

***

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

Related post: Where I once saw Special 

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Wordless Wednesday 02/09/2015

Kimmie x

My Daughter Writes

The following poems were written by my middle daughter. She shared them with me recently, and (with her permission) I'd like to share them with you.

The first was written for me, the second for her Grandad (my Dad), who passed away recently.

Both made me cry!

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Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x

Ten Things of Thankful 12/07/2015 #10Thankful

My kids...I'm always thankful for my kids...
they keep me heading one step in the light direction
(No matter how dark the days get)

The piggy & the pooch
He (the piggy) is the love of my life...
She (the pooch) likes to think she is ;)
Both bring me comfort, and joy 

Windmills...I like windmills I do :)
Beautiful, bright, blowy, dancing, cheerer uppers

Clouds...Oh, God...Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for the clouds.
and, Thank you Nan...for the cloud memories x

I'm always grateful for this awesomeness...
and it's only ten minutes from home... BOOM!  :O)

Coffee...  enough said :o)

These are special Lillies... they're Dads Lillies
They flowered this week
Just when I needed them most... Thank you Dad x

A gift from a friend
As with the Lillies...just when I needed it most
Thanks Shan x

My Garden...I'm so, so thankful for my garden.
A beautiful, flowery, comforting, Dad filled... HUG.

Number 10...Last, but by no means least... My friends (You all know who you are) 

Losing my Dad has been the hardest thing (to date) Iv'e ever had to bear, and you, my friends, have been a Godsend...your kindness, friendship, and compassion has helped me (is helping me) to muddle through it. I don't know how I'd have got through this past two months without you all.

Thank you! 

You light up my life.

Well, that's it, my first 'Ten Things of Thankful... Not as wordy as my usual rambles (I'm struggling) but the blessings are counted...and that's what counts...right? :o)

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you, and all those you love

Kimmie x 

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Hosted by Lizzi at summat 2 think on

This Child

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Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love

Kimmie x

You know where the kettle is :o) #WeekendCoffeeShare

If we were having coffee I'd point you in the direction of the kettle and the cappuccino cupboard, and ask you to make me one while you're at it... Don't look at me like that...It's been a long day ;o)

If we were having coffee I'd tell you how grateful I was when my Mum and her partner picked 'Littlie' up, and took her to Church with them this morning... I'd tell you (perhaps you already know) that today was the first Fathers Day I've had to get through without my Dad... I'd tell you how tough it's been, how achingly Dadless I've felt, how hard it's been to do the 'Mum thing' today........how much I needed those couple of child free hours this morning.

I'd tell you that my 'Littlie' had a fab time with the Nannies, and that by the time she came home this afternoon I was needing the 'Mum thing', just as desperately as I'd needed a break from it this morning.
I'd tell you how welcome her distracting chatter was, how much I enjoyed (albeit sleepily) reading to her this afternoon, and again this evening... and how grateful I am for Enid Blyton's imagination... I'd tell you that it's impossible to grieve when you're up 'The Faraway Tree'... and that while up there, we were...FREE!

If we were having coffee I'd ask you to nip out and turn the sprinkler off for me, and if you happen to spot any dog poo while you're out there, be a love and pick it up... bags are in the draw... no, not that draw, the one next to the microwave ;)

If we were having coffee we'd need a top up around now... you know where the kettle is ;)
While waiting for the kettle, we'd stand at the back door and I'd point out all of the little solar lights that are now doted around the garden; in memory of Dad.
Coloured fairy lights in the trees, hanging baskets and bushes... solar cubes, dragonflies, and stakes in the beds...the crystal balls that are hanging from the fence, like diamonds in sunlight-colour changing at night.
I'd tell you that later tonight (when I wake her up to change her pad), I'll take Little through to my room where the window overlooks the garden, we'll climb onto my bed, cuddle up, pull back the curtain, and... 'Christmas in June' will light up her eyes.

I'd tell you how Iv'e tried (and failed) to capture the lights on camera, how much I'd love to share the magic on the blog, and I'd ask you if you have any idea how to photograph fairy lights at night.

If we were having coffee, I'd tell you how proud I am of Littlie this week, she (you may already know) is almost ten years old, and is disabled... she struggles (greatly) with tasks that would usually come easy for a child her age.
Well, this afternoon (for the second time this week) she managed to get the washing from the line. It took her an incredibly long time, and her legs gave way before she could finish, but... she did it...reached up, manipulated pegs (or, yanked when all else failed) and loaded the laundry bag... :)
She was so chuffed with herself... "all by my own self'".

If we were having coffee, we'd take our drinks, the biscuit tin (and in my case cigs) out to the patio now, I'd puff, you'd dunk, (or puff, or both) and we'd talk about you for a while.

How's life treating you?

**** 

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

P.S... Who's turn is it to put the kettle on? ;o) 

P.P.S,,, Weekend Coffee share is the brain child of Part-Time Monster Click here to go to the link up

Related post: Of windmills and woes

Christmas Eve 'Magic'

This'll be a quickie, it's unplanned, and unedited because Iv'e still got loads of Christmas prep to get through before tomorrow, but something magical happened this evening, and I couldn't resist sharing it with you all. 

'The Body Guard' (that's hubs to the newbies) and I took 'Littlie' to the Church at the top of our road this evening for the crib service, on the way back, 'Littlie' looked up from her wheelchair and suddenly began squealing - "look, it's Santa, it's Santa!" 

We looked up, and on seeing a group of twinkling lights moving across the sky immediately began squealing along with her, "Oh my God Littlie", says I - "you're right, it is Santa, it really is.. eeeek!"

Hubs and I went along with the magic of the moment, egged on by 'Littlies' amazement, and then.. "Oh no" said Littlie in earnest, attempting to take over the wheelchair wheels - "hurry mummy, hurry, I'm not gonna make it, he's nearly to our house, and I'm still awake!" 

Laughing, I explained that Santa was still incredibly high up, and had lots of other children to visit before getting to us, and the three of us, clothed in magic, continued back down the road to home, squealing all the way!

When we reached home 'Littlie' asked if Santa would see her if she waved to him.. "Oh yes Littlie", said I, "he's too high up for you to see him, but he will see you", and with eyes lit up like a childs eyes should be, she waved to the (sleigh) lights in the sky.

Oh! How I wish you all could of seen the joy in her eyes! - Her expression, and incredulous laughter bought tears of joy to mine. 

Of course, the moving 'sleigh shaped' lights in the dark sky this evening where probably an aeroplane..but my 'Littlie' firmly believes that we have just seen the man in red, and has gone to bed happier than Iv'e ever seen her!

I have never witnessed such joy on any of my kids faces - it was truly magical - the stuff Christmas movies are made of! 

Without a doubt, the best moments of my life so far :O) 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie X 

Update: - Iv'e just been told, by a friend on facebook, that what we actually saw tonight was probably ISS (International space station) which was due over Britain at around 5.30 - so there you go..mystery solved - our secret though....Littlie must never know ;o) 

We Love You Littlie

My child

Taken from arms

Tubed, tested, incubated

Disabled

languid in arms

Weak, floppy, fading

beautiful 

loved in arms

praying - can we keep you

Special care

 Special needs

Just special 

Brighter

Strengthened in arms 

Fighting 

breathing

Being

Home

safe in arms

Enduring

Growing

Learning

You did it
you did it all 

 First smile 

first word 

First everything

A bit late

(very late)

 but you did it!

Stunningly beautiful, wonderful child

you're so loved 

by us 

By all who know you

Proud of you darling x

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love

Kimmie X 

Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved 

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I am...

When other mental health sufferers say they are ashamed (many of them are, for one reason or another) I'm usually the first to respond with - "You have nothing to be ashamed of, you can't help being ill" - and I mean it!

However, I'm afraid it's a case of 'Take my advice, I'm not using it', because there really is no other word than 'ashamed' that describes how I feel, overwhelmingly so, and have felt for a very long time.

My 'shame' might not be rational, but it is 'my' truth, and that's what this space is for.

I AM

I AM MUM - To my youngest child (as I once was to my older children) I am story teller - sock puppet  - Tickle monster - make-believer - hugger - hand holder - love; no questions asked.

My four older children are a different story - these days (though they try hard to hide it) they are uncomfortable around me, resentful, ashamed.

They're no longer babies, I can't hide behind, sand castles, sock puppets, and 'sing a song of sixpence' anymore.

They don't understand mental illness, they can't see 'Stuck-In-Scared - but they can see whats going on externally, and it frightens them.

I love my kids and they love me. I have never set out to hurt them, but (without meaning to) hurt them (emotionally) I have!

I am ashamed.

I AM WIFE - I am the wife who almost drove my husband away, because I was blind to how my illness affected him.

He says that blinded by my mental illness (which in fairness has been greatly exacerbated this past few years) he lost sight of ‘me’ - he’s sorry - he loves me - he’ll never hurt me again.

I blame myself - I'm looking into his eyes, and seeing, Where I once saw special, everything I despise about myself reflected back at me.

I am ashamed.

I AM ADDICT (In recovery) - I am the woman who, consumed by symptoms of mental illness, used gambling as a form of escapism. despite knowing she was hurting herself, and those she loved.

I am the grown woman who once sat on a stool in a bingo hall, and wet herself because she'd pumped too much money into a fruit machine to chance another punter stealing her win while she went to the loo!

I am the mother who was often late picking her children up from school because she couldn't walk away - who struggled to feed her children, and went hungry herself, because she'd gambled best part of the housekeeping.

I am the mother, who (up until ten years ago) thought more often about her next bet, than she did her children, and her older children remember that!

I am ashamed

I AM OCD -  "I see the brush slam down onto the back of my beloved child's head. I hear her desperate screams as the brush comes crashing down! I see myself standing over her, a stranger masking my face, the mask vaguely familiar and yet at the same time completely unrecognizable! I see my child confused, hysterical and consumed with fear beneath me. I repel with every fiber of my being against the *illusory images*; my heart breaks!" read more

I am ashamed

(Please be aware, the above paragraph has been recycled from an old post, and is about intrusive thoughts, a symptom of OCD - NOT child abuse, you can read the paragraph in context by clicking on the (read more) link above. Thank you.

I AM SELF HARM - Sometimes I feel desperate, sometimes I feel angry, unimaginably angry, angry at me, sometimes I crave feelings of relief, calm, control - sometimes I just need to feel.

I starve, burn, cut, bleed, I am visibly scarred.

I am ashamed

I AM AGORAPHOBIA - I'm unable to go anywhere alone, unable to go out at all some days.

Despite being accompanied in public, I often experience catastrophic thoughts, often experience paranoia, and sometimes experience panic attacks  - sometimes it's clear to onlookers that I have issues, my awareness of this exacerbates anxiety, and shame.

My inability to go anywhere alone places a great burden on my family, especially my husband.

I am ashamed.

I AM EATING DISORDER -  probably the most terrifying symptom of mental illness Iv'e experienced yet, and the one I find the most difficult to write about.

This relatively new addition to my mental health issues frightens the life out of me, and I simply cannot find any 'justifiable' reason for starving myself half to death when I have five children who need me to be strong, and ALIVE!

I am ashamed.

(2016 edit...I have made some progress since this post was published, two years ago. I'm still unable to eat in front of people, and my eating is still somewhat disordered, but I am eating now (as opposed to surviving on cuppa-soup and coffee) and my weight is within a healthier range...there is progress. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there... I think.)

I AM BENEFIT CLAIMANT - My youngest child and I are both disabled, my husband is our carer, we didn't ask to be a burden on society (Tory words, not mine) but we are - we take the 'social security' (incidentally, from the same system, that my husband paid into for 20 years, before taking on the role of full time carer) or we are unable to survive. 

Fear of the Government, the media, and the benefit system, fear of those in society who have no understanding of invisible illness/disability, and are taken in by the 'scrounger' rhetoric, has led to a dramatic increase in my symptoms, and has caused an Eating disorder, that I did not have prior to the UK Governments combined attack against welfare recipients.

It seems these days its almost impossible to read a newspaper without the words, liar - cheat 'scrounger', jumping out from the page.

I feel judged - by Government - media - society....I'm afraid that you, dear reader, may be judging me right now!

I am ashamed.

I AM DISABLED - Damaged 'stock', a drain on loved ones, a drain on the state.

I am ashamed.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

I AM ME - I am Me - I'm loving, kind, empathetic. Compassionate, generous, passionate. Creative.

I have a child-like way about me (not always a good thing), a wicked sense of humour, and a heart for the hurting.

I like Christmas, a lottle (that's like a little but a lot). I'm obsessed with Betty Boop; there may be more Boops in my house than there are in the Boop-Shop.

I love: Clouds, the sound and smell of the rain, the sun on my face, sand between my toes. Sausage meat between my fingers (that's not as mad as it sounds). Paddling. Puddle jumping. Mud between my toes. Being with my kids. Cappuccino!

I hate: Cruelty. The current UK Government. War. Greed. Fish (unless it's cod...cod's okay). Oh, and the wind; I HATE the wind, it's so... so irritatingly-windy!

I have a fabulous imagination, and the ability to get right down on a child's level, and I mean right down; like 50 going on five down, so I make a great playmate, Where my relationship with my children is concerned, these qualities are my saving grace.

PRAYER

Lord, I pray that the eyes of those who 'see it how it isn't', be opened, and the voices of those 'who tell it how it is', be heard. Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Related Posts
Just For Today
A Rant
A Fine Line
Agoraphobia (poem)
 Where I once saw special
Stranger Within

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From the inside

I'm stood in an upstairs council house toilet, the walls are apple-white and there's a little frosted window to the left of me. The lino flooring is cold beneath my feet, the door is painted white and there is a little round lock just below the door handle.

On the floor is a pajama clad child. She has long-dark-hair which half covers her face and she is crouched, panicked-sobbing, just behind the door, her hand stretched out holding the little lock in position.

The child is afraid, and on the other side of the door her mother is ranting; shouting and swearing, banging on the door..."YOU LITTLE GIT" she screeches, "OPEN THIS DOOR"!

I can see her so clearly, The-child, from where I'm standing. I want to reach out and touch her, pull her into my arms and tell her she's safe. I want to hold her until she falls asleep and then carry her from the cold lino floor, past her raging mother and into her bed. I want to sit by her bed, guard her until morning, and stroke her gently back to sleep if she should wake.

If this were possible, would she be comforted do you think?

Or would she see into my mind, as I can hers; and know the worst is yet to come.

***

Thank you as always for allowing me to share

God bless you, and all those you love

Kimmie x

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Frozen Yogurt Drops, with added ramble.

Helloooo friends *waves* - It's been a while.

A while since my last post, and a while since writing anything much at all - though I am still jotting a bit, when given half a chance. 

Summer holidays, (as, if you're a mum, I'm sure you know) can be bit full on; add special needs child, and mentally ill mum into the mix, and what you have by the end of the day (in my experience)  is - too knackerbobulated to write - that's my excuse anyway :o) 

However, what I, and Littlie (with the body guards help) are managing, between her dodgy moments, and mine; is some fun.... so while I'm here - explaining my not being here, I may as well share today's fun moments with you. 

Today, we had a home day - Littlies stammer (which has been horrendous over the past week) wasn't too bad, which meant she was less stressed, and I, though 'knackerbobulated' as I said before, have been okay(ish)

We spent the morning wrapping up Christmas presents (I kid you not!) 

Yesterday Littlie bought Christmas presents for Dog, Guinea Pig, 'Dolly', and 'Littlie Monster', and they are now wrapped, and safely stashed in her bedroom; where they will sit collecting dust until November, when her tree goes up o_O

She's keen bless her, she wrote her own Christmas list two months ago (dictated would be more accurate, Littlie, though nearly nine, is unable to write yet) 

This afternoon we made homemade apple crisps (sorry, no pic, they didn't hang around long enough!) -we also made frozen yogurt drops (pic in a bit when Iv'e finished rambling) 

Both ideas were seen on a Sainsbury's advert, and both idea's were easy, fun and virtually mess free. 

For the apple crisps - slice apples thinly, spread onto grease proof paper, on a baking tray, sprinkle with cinnamon (optional) brush with a little oil, and bake - we went with gas mark 3 (fan assisted oven) for half an hour.  

For the Frozen Yogurt Drops - Line a tray with foil, dollop (Let child dollop) teaspoon sized blobs of yogurt onto the tray, then decorate with a piece of fruit - we used blueberries, because they are very low cal (Littlie has to watch the calories) and they also happen to be our favorite. 

Pop your dollops into the freezer, and wait - if you're a Littlie, that's the hard bit :O) 

Well my friends, that's all I can manage for now, I'm off to get clothes off, kettle on, and bum in chair :O) 

Enjoy the rest of your holidays, and if you try these 'easy peasy's' out with your own 'Littlies' do let me know how it goes, I'd love to hear from you. 

Thank you as always for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

PS - No editing tonight so do please excuse any bad spelling, grammar :) 

PPS - My all time favorite word is Discombobulated (handy really, considering that's how I feel a lot of the time) - my all time favorite made up word is 'Knackerbobulated' (which I also feel much of the time) but I mustn't take credit for this wonderful word, it was made up by a friend of mine and shared to Facebook,  I loved it, so I stole it.... *waves to Joyce* :O) x

Children learn what they live

The-grown-up was a powerful presence; sometimes the child feared her, loved her and hated her (as far as a child is capable of hate) all at the same time.

The child lived with criticism - she learnt to put herself down. 

The child lived with aggression - she learnt to be afraid. 

The child lived with shame - she learnt to be guilty. 

The child lived with strange (often terrifying) intrusive thoughts; anxiety, obsessions and secret compulsions. She knew what it was to fear her own mind. 

If the badness The-grown-up saw wasn't badness enough; she had a head full of badness she didn't dare tell. 

The child was hugged, loved, cared for; pulled around, raged at, beaten. She learnt vulnerability, confusion, resentment; mistrust. 

The child was often naughty; "bad" - "hard work" - a "LITTLE GIT!"

She asked for it. Sometimes she'd been - "ASKING FOR THAT ALL DAY!"... 

She asked for the huge, perfectly formed hand prints, red raised on her skin; for the slap, slap, slap, SLAP of the-dirty-blue-flip-flop against the top of her leg; for the welts that might never stop stinging.

She asked for the disorientation and pain that followed being hit full force (by adult hand) around the side of the head; to be pushed down (or stretched up) and whacked; to (on one occasion) be thrown out, shamed and sobbing, (naked bar a vest) onto the street.

She deserved to be raged at; the monsters face so close to hers that noses almost touched.

She asked to have 'Palmolive' rammed into her dirty little mouth; she'd learn from the gag inducing taste of it and the inevitable soapy spew!

The child would outgrow The-grown-ups hand. She never outgrew fear, or shame, or the badness in her head.

***

The child didn't know that The-grown-up (a victim herself of an abusive parent) was mentally ill; that she really was incredibly sorry after each meltdown, that she would carry guilt and regret into old age. 

How could she know? - She was just a child! 

Now; years on - The-Grown-Up is a very different person.

Her eyes; which (seemingly) once spoke "I hate you!" now cry, "I love you, forgive me; let me in, I'm sorry."

She is old now; healed, gentle, reaching out.  Mindful that she won't be around forever, she is desperate for reconciliation; for her child's sake as much as her own.

And the child now? - She hurts The-grown-up, pushes her away; though she tries hard not to.

With an adults understanding of mental illness she forgives but she 'cannot' forget.

She hasn't yet buried fear and resentment; she still feels incredibly uneasy in The-grown-ups company, and stands ridged in, (or pulls from) her embrace.

The child now knows how much past mistakes are regretted; she can see how desperate The-grown-up is to be embraced as a loving, caring parent... which indeed, without exception, she now is. This only serves to increase the child's own guilt and self loathing.

The child loves The-grown-up (at least she thinks she does; feelings contradict) but she is still vulnerable, confused, resentful in her presence. She doesn't trust her.

And the welts on her skin; now faded - they are still red raw in OUR head!  

***

POSITIVE THOUGHT

We're not there yet, but we're getting there.

PRAYER

Lord, I pray that by giving the child a voice, through my writing; I will one day feel able to expose her to her mother again, Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

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