It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing) and I've spent most of today looking to google for inspiration for this New Years Eve post, specifically I was searching 'Happy'.
I found it of-course, the internet is full of zipadeedoodah today, as it is every new years eve. I found positive posts, round ups posts, lists and lists of 'list' posts... and I found happy posts; other people's thoughts, feelings, wishes. Other people's Happy.
Many were inspiring... none inspired me.
Actually, that's not quite true... they inspired me to write a list; a stupidly-long list of Happy-New-Year-blog-post-ideas. When I sat down to write this evening I had every intention of using idea #4... 'There's Something Good In Every Day'.
I could have pulled that one off too, you know... I could have rambled till your eyes were bossed about how blessed I am; how lucky I am, how grateful I am. Because I am.
You know what else I am... honest. Throwing a load of zipadeedoodah your way this evening... wouldn't have been honest! (I do however wish YOU as much zipadeedoodah as you can handle :o))
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It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of tomorrow!
This year has been the worst year of my life (so far). This year broke my heart; almost broke me, but I don't want to leave it. My Dad lived in this year.
My Dad hugged me this year. My Dad laughed, and cried this year. This year I heard Dads voice, breathed his smell...read 'I love you' in his eyes.
Tomorrow will be the first day of a year that doesn't have my Dad in it, and I'm scared. I don't want to leave him behind.
As of tomorrow... 'Dad died LAST year'. Not this year, not even 7 months ago... LAST year! He will never live in this year.
As of tomorrow... I will never have a THIS year that has Dad in it again.
***
It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), it's cold outside, and set to get colder and I (though grieving) am warm, fed, housed and Oh-so-cared-for, as (I sincerely hope) are you.
I decided against an end of year round up of my blog posts this year... #6 on my list of ideas... but I'd love for you to visit (or revisit) just THIS ONE. It means a lot to me. :)
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It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), and I want to thank YOU, dear readers of my rambles, for reading, commenting (I love your comments :), for being there, for being your beautiful selves... and especially for your support this past (incredibly tough) year. You lot make my day... EVERY DAY!
I wish you ALL a (heartfelt) HAPPY NEW YEAR! :o)
***
Thank you as always for allowing me to share
God bless you and all those you love
Kimmie x
I know this ache, I lost my father in 1999. And now, I leave my sister in 2015, she will never know 2016 and I miss the hell out of her.
ReplyDeleteI know you know, Jennifer... I read about your sister with such sadness in my own heart. I'm truly sorry for your loss.
DeleteYou can always PM me if you need an ear.
Wishing you peace, joyful moments and hope for the year ahead. Kimmie x
Part of you will always be with your Dad in 2015, but part of him will live on with you, too, in all those memories. I know this is true because my when my Dad passed away just before Christmas in 2001 I felt as you do now. I miss him, but when I really need him, he's with me. I wish the same for you. (And plenty of boop-a-doop, too.) Thanks again for naming Hope for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cheryl. Comforting thoughts! Iv'e just bought another journal, one I'm going to use to talk to Dad (if that makes sense), kinda like a 'Dear Diary', except 'Dear Dad. I feel it will help, I'm hoping so anyway. I still have so much to say to him... especially as I didn't have closure.
DeleteI expect the past few weeks have been tough (at least in part) for you too. Just before Christmas is an awful time to lose a loved one. Not that there is ever a good time.
I'm glad you are naming your beautiful bloom 'Hope'... a fitting name for her :)
Thanks so much for reading, and for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. I wish you a peaceful and Happy New Year. Kimmie x
Often it is these times when certain things are expected of us that are the most difficult. It is a sad time for you reflecting on the loss of your beloved Dad. I hadn't realised that you had not the opportunity for closure. I think your journal is a great idea. I'm sure as you tell him your thoughts and concerns you will be able to tap into his wisdom. He may not accompany you physically on the next part of your journey, but he'll always be there with you in your heart. Best wishes for 2016. Hugs. ox
ReplyDeleteThank you, Norah. I'm hoping the journal will help. I've just, today, used the birthday money my Mother-In-Law gifted me last week and treated myself to a lovely ink pen. Specifically for writing to Dad. I used to love writing with an ink pen when I was in school (haven't used one since). I felt this particular journal needed a Thoughtful-Pen. :)
DeleteI wish you a Happy New Year, Norah... all the best. Kimmie x
Ah me. I haven't lived through this yet, but I imagine when it's time I will feel very much as you do. It is the way of grief. A friend of mine lost her husband to pancreatic cancer over a year ago, and she was very open about feelings like those you are describing. I know writing to her husband helped her a great deal - even while it accentuated his physical absence, and caused deep pain and loneliness, it was also building a bridge. So you do what is needed. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteDear, Paula. I'm so sorry I missed your comment in January. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
Delete"even while it accentuated his physical absence, and cause deep pain and loneliness"... I can relate to that.
I'll keep your friend, and you and your parents in my prayers x