A Fine Line...!

Writing about my life with mental illness really helps me, it’s cathartic to write my thoughts down.

I made the decision to share my muddled mind through this blog because (though I’m far from recovery and therefore not really qualified to advise) I felt that sharing my experiences might help other sufferers feel less isolated.

I hope that by my ‘telling it how it is’ someone somewhere will find some relief in reading. 

Having said that I do worry (a lot!) that being too honest about some of my mental health symptoms may do more harm than good and it’s for that reason I’m going to suggest that if you're feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment you don’t read any further into this post…. 

In recent months I’ve had various conversations with friends (some via twitter, one face to face) who have recently self - harmed or are struggling with thoughts or urges relating to self - harm.

One lady (heartbreakingly) confided that she is mentally making plans to re home her pets because she feels suicidal and is concerned that she might act on these feelings leaving her pets uncared for.  

Some of the people I spoke to have complex mental health issues (some have physical disabilities too) and they all told me that their self- harm and/or suicidal thoughts are related to fear of their current or anticipated WCA (Work capability assessment).

Of course I know from personal experience that paranoid fear, irrational thoughts and an inability to cope with change often go hand in hand with mental illness, however, given the treatment that so many have endured at these DWP assessments interrogations it’s hardly surprising that so many sick & disabled people feel incredibly anxious at the moment.

People are desperately afraid - overwhelmed with fear - deeply affected by right wing ‘scrounger’ propaganda and very concerned about their future. 

They’re terrified by even the idea of having to expose themselves (face to face) at a ten minute (tick box) assessment (to a complete stranger) who is unlikely to be qualified to assess mental illness and even less likely to empathise. They are also despairingly aware that even if they are lucky enough to qualify for benefit it won't be long before the process begins again!  

Many are self - harming some feel suicide may be a better option than continuing to battle both debilitating mental illness and the ‘powers that be’.

Many are far sicker now (under a system that in many cases claims they are fit for work) than they were under the previous system which recognised that they were NOT fit for work and supported them accordingly.

Am I afraid? Yes I’m afraid, Very afraid. 

Has my own tendency to self - harm increased as a direct result of the coalition’s attitude towards disabled people?

Yes!  Though I’m ashamed to admit it my own self harming behaviour has increased both in severity and frequency.

Do I want to continue living with this daily, nightly overwhelming, debilitating fear? 

NO! Oh God no, it’s too much, too much….!  

I can’t see an end to it and my own symptoms have been greatly exacerbated.

Do I feel suicidal? - Do I wish I were dead?

Those of you who know me either through contact or through my writing will already know the answer to this question! You’ll know that I am and always have been terrified of death. You will have read here >> Scared to shut my eyes! about my overwhelming fear of death as a child, you’ll know how terrifying my intrusive thoughts are and how often they relate to fear of death.

NO - I don’t feel suicidal, I have NEVER felt suicidal no matter how much life, other people (or my own mind) has thrown at me. - No - I don't wish I were dead.

I  don’t now and I didn’t in 1986 when life, other people (and my own mind) caused me to suffer a complete mental breakdown and I attempted to take my own life.

I don’t remember how I got to my bedroom that evening with a full bottle of ‘paracetamol’ and a pint glass of water. I don’t remember planning or contemplating suicide or for one single moment wishing I was dead.

I don’t remember thinking about my 8 month old baby or wondering how he would cope without me.

I don’t remember feeling suicidal, I don’t remember wanting to die.

I DO vaguely remember taking the pills.

There was no lining up of tablets like you see on TV, no thoughts, no fear, no emotion, no tears, there was *nothingness*.

I tipped the pills from bottle to mouth (how I swallowed so many at once is beyond me) and washed each mouthful down with water until there were no more pills to take.

There are some blurry (vague) memories after that, my first husband slapping me very hard (this confused me) – baby crying - arriving at hospital in an ambulance – a black tarry substance  - gagging on a tube - a drip – a white ceiling through a strange tunnel vision, then blank again.  Days of nothing, no thoughts, no emotion – *nothingness*….!

I have never ‘contemplated’ suicide BUT in ‘1986’ (20  years old without so much as a passing thought for the first of my five children) I very nearly succeeded in taking my own life….!

I had a point when I started writing today and I’m not sure if I’ve succeeded in making it, so briefly  -  For many mental ill (and, indeed, physically ill) people - there is a very fine line between incredible strength, and *can’t take anymore*.  

I am deeply concerned that the UK Governments relentless cuts & cruel propaganda are pushing many already vulnerable people worryingly close to - *can’t take anymore*.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

I'm 27 years on, I'm still here and my fifth child (my last baby) is nagging me to move away from the lap top and use my imagination. I cannot stress enough how thankful I felt this evening when she rolled in from school and threw her smiley, gorgeous self into my arms. Life is tough at the moment, it has been to varying degrees for as long as I can remember but I feel incredibly blessed to be here.

PRAYER

Father, I pray your protection this day and always over the lives of all sick and disabled people. 

I pray peace for those who are oppressed, despairing, afraid and strength for those who are close to giving up.

I’m weighed down with their despair and with my own. I want to do something, make a difference - I don’t know how!

I’m open to suggestions Lord, in the meantime I place me and mine and them and theirs into your hands.  Amen.

Thank you as always for allowing me to share.

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                             Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved

A Ding Dong and A Prayer

In these times of such austerity I would object to Government spending millions of pounds on ANY ONES funeral, Let alone a multimillionaires! 

Now I’m the first to admit that I  never thought much of Maggie Thatcher, or her policies, and I also admit to ‘Ding Donging’ with the best of them when I first heard the news of her passing. In fact if I’m being really honest (which I generally am)  ‘Ding Dong’ had already occurred to me and been ‘smugly’ tweeted way before I’d a chance to realize that half of ‘Twitter World’ was one step ahead of me!

It might after reading that surprise some of you to hear that in addition to my ‘Ding Donging’ I have also prayed for her (Eyebrows down please, it’s a Christian thing) not the ‘Ding Donging’ obviously, ‘Hangs head in shame’, the praying I mean. 

It's hard praying for someone you feel nothing but contempt for, harder still when your feelings toward that person are not relieved by prayer! Perhaps praying for myself would have been more appropriate in this instance, since it was my own conscience that led me to pray for 'Maggie'. 
I'm not sure I'm making much sense! It's all very confusing. 
Being a Christian (in my head anyway) isn't always easy. 

You might also be surprised to hear given my frequent  *I can’t stand Tories rambles* that I often pray for them too (I can’t by the way – stand Tories; I despise everything they stand for!) but, it would be impossible for me to pray effectively for the people I DO care about without at least in passing praying for the hearts of these rich bully boys (and girls) - that their hearts will by some miracle be opened to the suffering of so many British people, (suffering they are directly responsible for!)

Having said all that, as a Christian, and as a human being, my heart, thoughts and prayers are first and foremost with........ 

The despairing parents who queue up with their frozen children at the ever growing number of food banks across the UK before returning their furrowed brows and frozen children to homes they can barely afford to heat! 

The 50 year old man made redundant through no fault of his own who unable to find alternative work now finds himself labelled scrounger by his own Government! (Striver to shirker overnight) despite having worked hard and paid into the system his whole damned life.

Sick and disabled people whose lives have been turned upside down under this regime. People whose own doctors are ignored in favour of under qualified ATOS/DWP assessors in a deliberate attempt to strip them of benefits. 

Frightened, vulnerable people whose illnesses/disabilities are being greatly exacerbated by constant and overwhelming fear of the next assessment interrogation.

The sick and disabled people who have died as a result of this Governments draconian treatment, and those who mourn them.  

The working man (On minimum wage) who struggles to feed his family and pay his bills even with the addition of tax credits and housing benefit! A man who must now find money from God knows where to pay a tax on his spare room, or down size into a smaller property that doesn’t exist!

The determined, fun loving, intelligent graduate who has spent almost every waking minute for the past two years trying (unsuccessfully) to find a job that pays a living wage and now faces losing her home due to bedroom and council tax charges that she simply can’t afford to pay.

And this week added to this already long list of ‘first and foremost’ my heart, thoughts and prayers are with my (disabled) best friend, who died unexpectedly on the same day as 'Margaret  Millionaire Thatcher'.

Any ‘Ding Donging’ going on in my house (or head) that day was silenced abruptly at 6.15pm when a voice on the other end of the phone said “Tracey’s dead”!

We were friends for 43 years, we grew up together, I never got to say goodbye!

The Government will NOT notice my friends passing, except perhaps that their figures will now show one less disabled person reliant on the state! 

So my friends, am I appalled that our Government think it’s acceptable to fund a millionaires funeral!? (whilst declaring it can’t afford to support all those I've prayed for *first and foremost* this week) Yes I'm appalled, yes I am and so 'I would imagine' is my God! 

PRAYER
Come by here my Lord, please come by here. Amen

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x 

One Class - Humanity

The following guest post was written and posted on twitter a couple of days ago by @THemingford Thomas Hemingford  A few people including myself felt that it deserved a wider audience.                                               

ONE CLASS - HUMANITY!

So, I tried the "class calculator" on the BBC website, it was a bit telling.

To start with there was no option for "carer" or "unable to work due to disability or illness", which I feel discriminates! Both of the above options affect income but not through choice or because of "market forces" etc. 
It concluded I was an "emergent service worker", which I found odd!

Anyway, the interesting thing was that when I did it again but using the circumstances my wife and I were in before disability took over our lives I was very surprised at the result. 

Years ago, I was lucky enough to earn a lot of money and my wife and I also managed to build up a substantial nest egg. We had a nice house too!

As many of you will know, we lost all of this through disability. We lost our jobs, our house, sold our cars, and then lived off our savings until they were exhausted. After years of hard work, we were left with no money and no assets. 

The interesting thing was that the calculator put me in the Elite group. Now, the only thing that had changed between my first and second inputs was the financials - income, value home, owning, not renting. Yet, it had significantly displaced me in the classification.

Now, I know we can say that this is just a bit of fun, silly software that doesn't mean anything but, if this does reflect how I'm classified or what ‘class’ I'm perceived to be in, then this means that my disability has changed my social class. It means the class system places me in a different class because of changes in my life that were out of my control and down to disabilities. I find that very distasteful and offensive. 

I actually find the concept of "class" to be vile, egotistical, and an example of how divide and rule can be woven into society. 

If I was still fit, and my wife was okay, I dare say our income would still be high. The point is regardless of income we're still the same people. The fact that we can't work now due to disabilities does NOT change who we are. I personally think that this shows just what nonsense "class" is, and how divisive the concept is. 

At the end of the day, we are all people, and putting man-made, virtual barriers between one another does not help one another. From the womb to the tomb, we are all human. We all belong to one class - HUMANITY!   By Thomas Hemingford.

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Thank you as always friends for allowing me to share, Iv'e had an interesting week myself and will pop back sometime in the next few days to throw it all your way :O)

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Before you go can I ask you please to take a look at the WOW petition below? Please sign to help WOW fight Government cuts to Disability services and benefits! Thankyou x

Please join Francesca Martinez and the WOW campaign in resisting the deaths and unnecessary suffering being caused: Sign the

document on the government’s e-petitions website
 

For more information you can click on one of the links below:
 

www.wowpetition.com

Twitter @WOWpetition & @WOWpetitionchat

Facebook WOWpetition 

The WOW Petition Forum

                                                 

"They Get Me"

I feel like I should title this post *Am Writing* because for reasons known only to me I haven’t been able to write a damn thing 'worth reading' over the past few weeks. There have been so many things going on in my life (and head) that I haven’t known where to start. In fact, my problem was probably that my muddled mind was attempting to fit ten blog posts into one making very little sense in the process!

Today I feel I should start by explaining in some way my last post which I suspect made no sense at all to anyone but me.

As most of you know my mental illness interferes with my ability to cope with many everyday activities without the support of ‘The Body Guard’ and those things I do manage alone are only doable if he is at least nearby. I could give for instances but we would be here all day so I won't.

Probably most significant at the moment given the fear every DWP letter, phone call and assessment instills in me is that my disability also prevents me from working. (Trust me if I could work I would even if just to be free of ‘THEM’) As I’m unable to function at home or outdoors without support it also prevents ‘TheBodyGuard’ from working, although given that I care for our disabled child with his help and he cares for us both with no help (full time) I would (with all due respect) ask those who see fit to judge us to *define work*

Anyway back to my last ramble (here) >> That thing that I do feels unsafe  following a harmless conversation on twitter I found myself imagining that the powers that be might be watching me, that they might - a) object to my constant tweeting against the unfairness of a system that treats vulnerable people so appallingly and - b) that as I am (sometimes) capable of knocking out a blog and to some degree (though limited) use a computer they would decide I am fit for work

Of course if this were to happen I wouldn't find myself miraculously cured, (if it were that easy I’d have plonked myself in front of an ATOS assessor 'voluntarily' years ago!) I could however be sanctioned for not doing as I’m told though and this terrifies me. I mean really terrifies me, a constant, sometimes overwhelming fear that has served to exacerbate my symptoms dramatically!

Thoughts* that the powers that be might actually be stalking me (*paranoid, obsessive, panicky terror would be more accurate) led me to run away from a support network that quite frankly has become my life line!

Without the support of these people, some of whom I've come to care very much about and who I believe feel the same way about me I felt isolated, afraid and extremely low. I continued to watch 'through the window so to speak' the comings and goings of my on line friends. I saw all their highs, lows, happy moments and cries for help but despite my fingers itching to tap out support, virtual hugs, encouragement and solidarity, fear prevented me from doing so!

Selfishly after days of tears, isolation, intrusive thoughts, and (though I’m ashamed to admit it) self harm, it was my own need of support that eventually prompted me to seek reassurance and after a private conversation with someone I felt I could trust I was able to (tentatively at first) step back into*The wonderful world of Twitter*.

Now some might question why this virtual world has become so important to me, why many of the people there have come to mean so much to me. Well let me try and explain.

I have a husband who is incredibly supportive but he doesn’t suffer with mental illness so though he’s patient, sympathetic and claims to love me regardless. *He doesn’t get me*

I have an elderly vulnerable mother who is reaching out to me, she’s sorry for past actions, worried sick about me and so desperate to be let in. A mother who knows exactly what it’s like to live with a mental illness. She has changed beyond all recognition from the mother I feared as a child.

The arms that once lashed out at me are now wide open, the lips that once spat such anger my way are now kissy, smiley and speak only of her love for me. Her expression is loving, pleading, slightly pathetic and her rage a thing of the past. BUT.... Though I can forgive her, I feel resentful and vulnerable in her presence.*I can’t trust her*

I have five amazing children who though not completely untouched by their mum’s mental illness have been largely protected from it over the years. Four of them are adults now and would listen to me if I asked but I WON’T burden them any more than I have done in the past and with the possible exception of my middle son who has ADHD and some obsessive tendencies himself, *They don’t get me*

I have a therapist who is kindness itself and paid to listen.  As pointed out to me by a good friend recently, 'one to one' therapy is not that easy to come by and I’m very lucky to have her. BUT *I’m afraid to trust her*

I have a psychiatrist who spends ten minutes every three months trying to convince me that drugs are the answer to all my prayers, seemingly unaware of the fact that I have tried various drugs in the past, (do they ever read the notes)

Some tablets actually increased symptoms, others turned me into a *far away person* (tongue stuck to roof of mouth, disassociated) and some lead me into very dangerous territory. I'm afraid of medication! (I suspect there is another blog here, watch this space)

Here is another person that I find difficult to trust and unless his knowledge of mental illness comes from personal experience rather than an education and a pile of text books, *He doesn't get me*    

So there it is my friends, 'The wonderful world of Twitter' means so much to me because its full of empathetic people who I've never met and *They Get Me*

POSITIVE THOUGHT  :O)

Next week I am going to meet one of my Twitter friends and despite being *intrusive thoughty* kinda nervous I am also *bubbly tummy* very excited! Eeeeek!

You know what seems really strange to me though (and reassuringly positive)…. Despite having never met this person and despite OCD doing its best to convince me otherwise *I TRUST HER*  

P’S For all you spelling and grammar freaks out there, yes I do know there’s no such word as *thoughty*  I write as I speak I’m afraid. This means of - course that if I ever get round to writing that book I’ve been harping on about for years I’ll be an editors nightmare!

PRAYER

Lord, Thank you for bringing me through a really tough few weeks, for giving me the strength to cope with my own struggles and still be open to those of others. Thank you for leading me to a whole bunch of *lovelies* who are willing despite their own struggles to support me through mine.  Amen

Thank you as always friends for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Authors note >> I feel I must point out that while my own experience of medication in the past has been negative I have spoken to a good number of people who have responded well to medication and subsequently noticed improvement in their symptoms of mental illness. It’s also worth noting that in my case fear of medication is exacerbated by intrusive thoughts, a symptom of ‘OCD’.