Blessed within the Shadows

Do you see in me what GOD sees? 

Do you hear what he hears?

He sees so much more than mental illness, 

paranoia, fear.

Can you empathize as GOD does 

with the shadows from my past

If you looked at me with his eyes 

would you see behind the mask.

I know it hurts your feelings 

when I pull from your embrace,

I'm trapped, but always open 

to the sadness on your face.

GOD alone knows the real me, 

locked deep inside this skin

can you understand, as he does 

why I cannot let you in?

Imagine the blackest darkness, 

close your eyes, focus; are you there?

There are demons in the shadows, 

so tread carefully, beware!

I hide here in the darkness 

too afraid to venture out,

Tears frozen on my eyelids, 

suppressed, can’t scream or shout.

Now imagine you're looking through GODS eyes, 

can you see that little light?

It’s tiny in the darkness, do you see it? 

It burns so very bright.   

There’s beauty in that little light, 

such love, kindness, creativity.  

That little glowing pocket 

in the darkness that you see?

That little glowing pocket, 

is Gods 'AMAZING ME'.

©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved  

I’m blessed within the shadows 
by dreams of all that I could be

In hope, I pray, that through ‘AMAZING GRACE’ 

I will one day be free.

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x

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Prayer for Refugees... (a #1000speak post)

Father, God, 

Please help the world's refugees.

All who's lives have been torn apart by conflict, 

forced to leave their homes, loved ones, countries. 

Protect those who are journeying now 

heal those who are safe, but still traumatized 

Soften the 'hard hearts' - comfort the broken 

Send hope for the hopeless.

Let all who can do something to help... do it

all who have something to give... give it

all who seek a safe place to live... find it. 

All who can do nothing but pray... pray.

That all who suffer be given strength; to persevere, to hold on to hope. 

That they be accommodated, comforted, cared for. 

These people, they're aching... physically, emotionally, spiritually 

Their pain must be unbearable, beyond comprehension

Mothers, Fathers, children, babies 

Hungry, hurting, homeless... afraid. 

Human beings... some dead, some dying

and those who survive the journey... 

thrown from a sea of hope into an unfamiliar (largely unwelcoming) world 

Washed up, weary worn... stranded. 

Help them, Lord... please help them 

Amen. 

***

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

I'm adding this post to this months #1000speak linky on the 20th of October... to find out more about 1000 speak, click here.

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'All things dark and ugly'

WARNING: The following ramble includes some mild (non explicit) references to self harm. Please read with caution if you are feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment. 

In my own experience fear, shame and paranoia have resulted in a life time of 'hiding', and I find it almost impossible to open up to anyone (away from blogger) with complete honesty.

When the same fear and shame interferes with my ability to talk to GOD, isolation reaches a whole new level! 

Belief isn't an issue (If I didn't believe there’d be no need for this ramble!) but, I do struggle (really struggle) in my relationship with God.

My prayers are almost always interrupted by intrusive thoughts, obscenities, day-mares or random muddle and as I can’t hide the ‘me behind the mask’ from God, I find prayer incredibly stressful.

Here’s what usually happens when I attempt to pray (lets give the ‘Lords prayer’ as an example)

It goes a bit like this - “Our father who art in heaven’, hallowed be”….  that’s usually about as far as I get before a random obscenity pops into my head (sometimes aimed at God which exacerbates shame!) if not blaspheme, it’s appalling thoughts/images - intrusions that are always unwelcome but never more so than when I'm praying.

Often, in my attempt to block unwanted thoughts, I'll recite ‘Ten green bottles' (or similar) while continuing at the same time with prayer.

So now one area of my mind is reciting ’Ten green bottles’, while another struggles with the words I should be saying. If this isn't sufficient to suppress unwanted thoughts, I resort to actually picturing each of my illusory green bottles as they fall off the wall!

If I come away from common pray and attempt to pray in my own words, I've usually given up before the fourth bottle hits the ground.

There is no peace in this prayer time fiasco, it’s stressful, it hurts me, I dread it! 

And yet at the same time I’m compelled to pray, I need to pray (I've a lot that needs forgiving and a million and one people I want to pray for!)  

I imagine (if you don’t believe in God) you’re by now raising your eyebrows at the mentally ill bible basher (if you haven’t buggered off already) but for those of you who get this, have perhaps experienced similar (and for myself) I will continue.

So how do I get around my ‘praying with a head full of crap’ problem?!

How do I ask forgiveness for (appalling) thoughts if I’m still experiencing them as I pray - forgiveness for hurting myself when the urge to cross the room (despite God’s presence) and take the scissors from the draw is so strong! 

How - when my mind thinks it's appropriate to throw random swear words into prayer, do I say, "I'm sorry God", knowing seconds later it will happen again?!

Today (with fruit loop pooch bouncing around my ankles) in the time it took me to transport a pair of scissors from lounge to kitchen, and (shaking my head in horror) throw them into a draw, my mind had played out extremely vivid 'mutilate the dog' scenes!
How do I ask forgiveness for such thoughts when it's not the first time I've had them and it's unlikely to be the last?!
(Though I do thank God that the dogs actual experience was - 'human at drawer (boring) - human at treat cupboard (Yah!) - gobble - slobber - beg for more)

How do I say "I'm sorry I'm not able to picture Jesus as I pray Lord - the people I care about or 'All things bright and beautiful" - "I'm sorry that in order to get through ten minutes in your presence without having a breakdown I'm watching illusory bottles smash to the ground or picturing illusory kids buying illusory currant buns from an illusory bloody bakers shop!"

How do I do that?!

Truth is I can't, and for now at least, I have given up trying to be alone in my head with God!

However (Thanks to God) there is something I can do....I can (though some may disagree) write, and as when I'm writing I'm usually relatively free from intrusive thoughts (those that aren't blocked by my 'key board bashing' are often relevant) a while ago I thought - 'why not write to God!'

And that's what I did - I started writing my prayers down, and it helped; It really helped!

I felt no pressure to read my prayers to God after writing - If God can see into my heart I'm pretty sure he can see into my lap top!

Funny isn't it (or not as the case may be) that the answer to a problem (a prayer) can be right there under your nose, and it takes a life time to notice!

Anyway, we muddled along relatively well God and I, until one day, after reading a particularly beautiful prayer on a friend's blog, it occurred to me that though I've read lots of prayer books/blogs in my time, I've never read prayers quite like my own (other than my own obviously)

Increasingly, I found myself comparing my prayers with those of other writers.
Theirs were full of beautiful, fluffy, seemingly God given words;  mine were not!
Theirs sang 'All things bright and beautiful', while mine (more often than not) screamed 'All things dark and ugly'!
I went looking for prayers more like my own - I found none.
I was filled with such shame that after initially attempting (and failing) to write to God using other peoples words, I gave up altogether.

I was stranded - AGAIN!

Then one night, around 3am (more commonly known as 'stupid o'clock') after a particularly bad (Intrusive thought/self-harm) day - agitated, afraid, and crying out for God, I suddenly remembered a message that another blogger had left on one of my blog posts.

"You are far from being a disappointment to God. He loves you beyond words"

I got out of bed, and I spoke to God (through my keyboard) My way!
No fluffiness, no beating around the bush, no hiding!

Here's what came out....
‘LORD, I hurt myself today, I was so angry at 'me' - ashamed of,  and terrified by my thoughts - filled with overwhelming self hatred. 
I wanted to (needed to) scream, cry, rage, but that would have hurt my child.  
I meant to hurt myself, I knew what I was doing, I craved the relief I knew the pain would bring. Please forgive me. I'm sorry.

I’m ashamed of my weakness, I’m sorry for my actions, and I’m now terrified (as always) that the wound will become infected, please help me and heal me Lord, in body, mind and spirit. I'm sorry. 

I can’t promise you it won’t happen again, Iv'e made you the same promise so many times before that now it would just feel like a lie. I’m sorry.

I pray for your help in controlling my urge to self-harm. Help me to be kinder to myself, help me to accept (all of the time) that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of my illness and not a reflection of who I am.... Lord, hear my prayer. Amen.’

Not your average share with the world prayer, but one that brings me to the point of this (rather long) ramble.

While sipping post prayer coffee I got to thinking (not for the first time) 'What if I'm not the only one'!
What if other mental health sufferers are struggling to recite 'All things bright and beautiful' with a head full of 'All things dark and ugly' !

So my friends - I'm going to (attempt) to write a book.

I'm going to attempt to write a prayer book that might enable other sufferers whose heads are full of 'All things dark and ugly' to open up honestly to God! - To just let go, and 'Pray it how it is'!

Wish me luck! :O)

MENTAL ILLNESS, GOD & me

POSITIVE THOUGHT                                 

He will not let go of me!

PRAYER

LORD, If it’s meant to be written let it be written. In the meantime, I pray that in sharing ‘my story’, I might help other sufferers feel a little less isolated! Amen. 

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

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'And I know he always will love me'

A few months ago I bumped into an old school friend, not just any old friend, a loyal, funny and well remembered old friend.  Despite losing touch after leaving school I would often find myself looking back on my school years and remembering with a smile my skinny, scatty friend who without realizing had made my teenage years far more bearable than they might otherwise have been!.
‘Tammy’ and I had a lot in common (back in the day we would probably have been likened to each other because of our scatty natures!)

Anyway back to the here and now. ‘Tammy’ is still a bit scatty, as am I, only these days we have something else in common, our spiritual beliefs. Whilst walking separately through all the twists and turns and up’s and downs of adulthood we have both managed to find GOD along the way’

Things have been especially tough over the past year or so, my mental health issues have been exacerbated greatly for one reason and another, reasons for the sake of sanity I will not go into right now. (I’m having a relatively good day and would like to keep it that way!)

‘Tammy’ though slightly more resilient than me and way more positive has also had a very difficult time of late, I won’t go into the reasons for this, it isn’t necessary and wouldn’t be fair!

At this point in my ramble I feel it relevant to point out that due to  severe ‘intrusive thoughts’ a symptom of OCD I have found it almost impossible to engage with GOD through prayer for some time now. Prayers are so often interrupted by the muddle that is my mind that far from bringing peace they just result in my feeling ashamed and on edge.

Feeling so isolated is perhaps one of the most devastating consequences of my mental illness.
Fear, shame, paranoia and stigma have resulted in a life time of hiding and I find it almost impossible to open up to anyone with complete honesty.

When the same shame and fear interferes with my ability to talk to GOD isolation reaches a whole new level!

Recently I have really struggled with my relationship with GOD mainly because my  prayers are so often interrupted by intrusive thoughts, obscenities or general mind muddle!
Asking GOD to forgive intrusive thoughts (thoughts of or urges to self harm - thoughts of harming others) can be really difficult when you are unable to promise that your thoughts or indeed behaviour will be any different the following day!

Here’s what often happens during my prayers - I begin to pray (lets give the Lords prayer as an example)
It goes a bit like this, ‘Our father who art in heaven’ hallowed be’ that’s usually about as far as I get before a random obscenity pops into my head (sometimes aimed at GOD which only serves to increase shame!) or any of the other random, awful intrusions that are a part of my every day life. (I’m experiencing them now as I write!)

In order to complete my prayers (which I rarely manage having given up in shame half way through!) I use another area of my mind to recite ‘Ten green bottles'
So now one part of my mind is reciting ’ten green bottles (not sure why it should be this song as I find it extremely irritating!)  while another part of my mind continues with the ‘Lords prayer’ sometimes this is still not sufficient to suppress intrusive thoughts and images and on these occasions I resort to actually picturing each of my illusory green bottles as they fall off the wall!

You can imagine how mentally draining for me this complicated prayer time fiasco is and it gets worse if I come away from the ‘lords prayer and attempt to pray in my own words for something or someone specific I have usually given up in despair before the fourth bottle has hit the ground.

My inability to engage with GOD through prayer has left me feeling stranded. I have thought of myself as ‘BAD’ since early childhood (partly as a result of my mothers reactions to me and partly as a result of the symptoms of my mental illness, specifically the vile intrusive thoughts)

Of - course if you don’t believe in GOD you may have buggered off by now, eye’s raised and 'tut tutting' at the 'Mentally ill bible basher’ but for those of you who are still with me, there is a point to this story!….

That dreary August morning whilst browsing the internet I came across a picture that instantly made me think of ‘Tammy’, ‘A white feather’ accompanied by a spiritual message! 
Now I've never noticed white feathers at my feet, of course they may have been there, I just never noticed! ’Tammy on the other hand often has and on a spiritual level they are very significant to her!

Well anyway until learning recently (and only because I googled it!) I had no idea that to some believers white feathers have spiritual significance. I sent the picture along with its message of hope to ‘Tammy’s’ face book wall. She liked, commented then buggered off, as you do if you’ve actually got a life aside from Twitter and Facebook!

I spent the morning at home then decided that as the weather was a bit hit and miss, an indoor picnic in the church would be a nice idea.
As ‘Thebodyguard’ is church warden he has keys to our Church and we can come and go as we please. ’Littlie’ who loves being in Church could chill out with some churchy music with daddy while I set about sorting the mound of jumble on the balcony!

We would generally walk to church via our own Street but as we needed to call in at the shop on the corner of ‘Paupers Street’ on this occasion we made our way via ‘Paupers’ street, ’Littlie chatting nineteen to the dozen, ’Thebodyguard’ in his own little world and me? Well I’ve had better days!

Anyway we were about five feet into ‘Paupers Street’ when I noticed a ‘white feather’ laying on the ground, I’m not sure why I noticed it neither am I sure as to why I felt the need to photograph it but I did and on we went.

We plodded on another twenty steps or so and there on the ground another ‘white feather’ prompting me to take another picture, I couldn’t help thinking of the shared message that morning and my friends frequent tales of GODS little co-incidences in her life!

To cut a long street short by the time we had reached the top of Paupers’ I had noticed and photographed four little white feathers and was filled with a warmth that in my opinion can only be described as GODLEY!

As we turned into the next Road heading for the front entrance of the church a thought entered my mind, it was a strong feeling accompanied by an image (“There’s a feather at the Church door”) Well there was! Right there outside the church door blown carelessly against one of the planters was a fifth white feather!

I photographed it and then filled with an overwhelming feeling of peace  followed hubby and child into the church. we laid our blankets down and enjoyed our little indoor picnic while listening to beautiful music and soaking in the peaceful atmosphere!

After eating I set about sorting jumble items while ’littlie and ’Thebodyguard’ played. Suddenly I felt compelled to stop what I was doing and go and look in the porch that serves as the back entrance to the church, so strong was the feeling of ‘seek and you will find’ that I was disappointed to find that there was no little white feather jumping out at me when I stepped into the porch. 

Feeling slightly silly I’d just turned to go back the way I came when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a tiny white feather laying up against the boiler room door almost completely covered by dry leaves. It was no bigger than my thumb nail and looking a bit worse for wear but a feather none the less. I brushed the leaves aside, pressed the zoom button on my camera and took my sixth feather photo of the day!

Some of you will understand exactly what was going on in ’Paupers Street that day, many of you will think I’m a bit mad, if you didn’t already. It matters not!  I feel lifted and hopeful when I look back to that day and I choose to thank GOD for that.

PRAYER
LORD, Thank you for gentle reminders of your presence in my life. I will continue to write my prayers down for the time being if that's okay with you, minus 'The ten green bottles' of course!

Father I place into your hands the things I'm going through
Father I place into your hands the things I cannot do
Father I place into your hands my friends and family
And I know you always will love me, Amen

POSITIVE THOUGHT
Good days, bad days or somewhere in the middle I'm surrounded by friends, family and a GOD who loves me!

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                                     

                                                                            Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved

Before you go can I ask you to take a look at the WOW petition below? Please sign to help WOW fight Government cuts to Disability services and benefits! Thankyou x

Please join Francesca Martinez and the WOW campaign in resisting the deaths and unnecessary suffering being caused: Sign the
document on the government’s e-petitions website
 
For more information you can click on one of the links below:
 
www.wowpetition.com
Twitter @WOWpetition & @WOWpetitionchat
Facebook WOWpetition 

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A day worth remembering!

On the 12th of July 2012 my father-in-law passed away after losing his battle with lung cancer. ‘Thebodyguard’ and I were both with him when he died, along with his mum and two sisters.
We sat all night hoping for the impossible, and then at approximately 6.00 a.m we watched helplessly and drowning in tears as he died!

I cannot get the image of his last moments out of my head. He turned all shades of red and purple as his face blew up like something out of the alien - his eyes suddenly changed colour from brown to darkest grey-blue, and then after what seemed like forever he turned to look at his wife of nearly sixty years and gasped his last breath.

My life long death fears have dramatically increased in intensity since witnessing Dads death and I wanted so much to write about those fears tonight.... I can’t, I’ve tried and I can’t.
I’m terrified by these very real images of death (both my own and other peoples) and I know it would be cathartic to write them all down but for now at least, it would seem I am unable to do so.

Anyway, as I’ve mentioned before in previous posts I often go to my diary in search of something positive when I’m struggling with intrusive thoughts, and this evening I would like to share with you the events of the 13th July 2012 (The day 'after' my father-In-Law passed away)

Though I do have rather more positive entries in my diary this was a day worth remembering for one reason and another. It wasn’t all bad, and is relevant to where my thoughts are this evening.
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13th July 2012

‘Littlies’ school performance today was wonderful, and for the most part just what the doctor ordered!
As soon as the music for the first act began I felt my spirits begin to lift, a wheel chair dance, fantastic.
Second act saw the audience waiting with baited breath for one of the younger students to complete her part of her classes piece, she had no lines to remember, no special face mask or dance routine, no.. her contribution was to take one step, that’s right, you read correctly, one step!
For around four minutes in absolute silence parents, teachers and children watched this almost motionless child being held up by a member of staff and encouraged gently from behind to take a step, the concentration on said child’s face would have melted even the hardest of hearts!

The excited whoops and cheers that filled the room as this amazing little girl took the anticipated step could surely be heard all over Essex.
Never before have I felt such pride and love for a child who wasn't my own. WOW doesn’t cover it!

Third act saw our ’Littlie’ (one of the main characters) performing ‘Little rabbit foo foo’ with her classmates, she remembered all of her lines (well all two of them) focusing the whole time on our faces, and again my heart is mush, joyful mush.

Fast forward to act seven, the older children performing a very moving rendition of ‘You bring the sun out’, three lines in and I am picturing ’Littlie’ with her Granddad and suddenly feel overwhelmed with grief. 
I thump down into my seat unable to watch anymore, and, with tears pouring down my face I am lost in the words of the song, my mind flooded with memories of their very special relationship.
Oh dear, it was nice while it lasted! I glance at ‘Thebodyguard‘, he too is crying, a couple of weirdo’s sat at the back of a roomful of joyful parents crying like babies. What must they all think of us....

One o’clock sees us outside a coffee shop in West Road, a quiet, friendly little place that owing to my ‘Agoraphobia’ we visit for those reasons. We order coffee and lunch and go outside to sit down.

A sour faced middle aged woman is sat on one chair between two tables, room for us then, OR NOT!

As we approach she drags a spare chair towards her saying “my daughters sitting here”, “that’s okay” I say politely, “we will grab some chairs from inside and sit at the other table”, sour face is not happy about that! 
Surely you don’t need two tables” is my response to her outcry.

A table becomes available on the other side of the open door way, hurt and a little agitated I give in to sour face and hubby and I move across. I cannot resist saying, rather too loudly it turns out “some people are so nasty”.

Her daughter overhears me!
Sour faces, sour faced child reacts to my comment (I wish I’d kept my mouth shut!) she begins yelling at me across the tables, ‘OH GOD! I really, really don’t need this right now, and neither does my grieving husband‘!

My heart thumping in my chest, feeling nauseous, shaking like a leaf, on the verge of tears and grateful to the nice lady who has just plonked herself down in-between me and the enemy, I say quietly “our dad has just died and there was no excuse for your mums nastiness”. WRONG!

It turns out there is a very valid reason for sour faces unreasonable behaviour, the same bloody pain that ’thebodyguard’ and I are dealing with right now. (Sour faces brother has just died, she recently buried her husband and they on their way to the chapel of rest after lunch!) 

OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD,  just my luck, I am attacked unprovoked in the midst of my grief, sour face started the altercation, I did nothing to justify her attack on me, and yet here I am practically sat on ‘Thebodyguards‘ lap, desperately trying not to cry, on the verge of a panic attack, and suddenly it is I who feels ashamed of myself!
There must be hundreds of people in town at this time of day and I have to be victimised by a victim.. I have no words!

We sit for around ten minutes each party lost in grief, then unable to live with myself any longer I gesture to 'Thebodyguard' and we get up and walk over to the lady, who is now sad face in my observation of her (not sour) and I take her hand, I tell her how sorry I am for her pain and also for my reaction to that pain, she cries, I cry, there is a hug, there is forgiveness.
I GOD bless her, she GOD blesses me, I feel better, I hope she does too.

THERE WILL BE PRAYERS!
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PRAYER
LORD, Please help me to get through tonight because I am so afraid that I won’t be here in the morning. Thank you GOD for every day that you wake me and bring me to my children. Amen

POSITIVE THOUGHT
I never go anywhere without my camera. Never did two people love each other more than my ‘Littlie’ and her Granddad, and I have it all on film.

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                                Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved

GODS AMAZING ME

Do you see in me what GOD sees? Do you hear what he hears?
He sees so much more than mental illness, paranoia, fear.

Can you empathize as GOD does with the shadows from my past

If you looked at me with his eyes would you see behind the mask.

I know it hurts your feelings when I pull from your embrace,

I'm trapped, but always open to the sadness on your face.

GOD alone knows the real me, locked deep inside this skin

can you understand as he does why I cannot let you in?

Imagine the blackest darkness, close your eyes, focus; are you there?

There are demons in the shadows, so tread carefully, beware!

I hide here in the darkness too afraid to venture out,

Tears frozen on my eyelids, oppressed, can’t scream or shout.

But, I’m blessed within my shadows by dreams of all that I could be

In hope I pray, through ‘AMAZING GRACE’, I will one day be free.

Now imagine you're looking through GODS eyes, can you see that little light?

It’s tiny in the darkness, do you see it? It burns so very bright.   

There’s beauty in that little light, such love, kindness, creativity.  

That little glowing pocket in the darkness that you see?

That little glowing pocket, is Gods 'AMAZING ME'.

                                                                         ©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved  

PRAYER
Lord, Thank you for loving me, the way I am. Amen

POSITIVE THOUGHT

Thank you for allowing me to share - It helps.

Kimmie x                                        

About Me... (me, myself, and mental illness)

This blog tells my story. I write under an adaption of my first name... my preferred name, ‘Kimmie’, a pet name given to me by my Nan years ago.

My scribbles include my experience of mental illness and gambling addiction. My fear and isolation as a child! My relationship with GOD, with my children and with my mother. Good and bad days past and present, life in general, and occasionally a little of my nonsense! 

Where ever my muddled mind takes me! It’s all relevant, Its all me.

I’m not a perfect wife, or a perfect mum, but I do always try my best. So okay, on a bad day my best might only be responding with a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes when I’m spoken to - but on a good day, I’m a great cook (that’s hubby covered) and as I have the ability to get right down on a child's level, and I mean right down; like 50-going-on-five down, I make a great playmate (that’s the kids covered, even the grown up ones)

I’m a God botherer! (No offence to God or man intended when I say that, what I mean is, I really do take up an awful lot of the LORDS time with my ramblings.)  

I love GOD, I really do; but disturbing, often vile intrusive thoughts (a symptom of O.C.D) can make my relationship with GOD extremely difficult!

***

I am a compulsive gambler (in recovery) much more on that later, but for now in brief….

Thunder crashing in my head

It’s three am, I should be in bed

And the wheels keep on turning.

I can’t walk away, I just can’t stop,

I try to disguise the ‘need the loo bop’

And the wheels keep on turning

Sandwich to the left of me, dry, untouched!

No time to eat and I’ve drank too much

And the wheels keep on turning

Fourteen, twenty on the nose,

Despair, elation, such highs, such lows

And the wheels keep on turning

4.00am on the loo, had no choice

Praying out loud, Is that really my voice

And the wheels keep on turning!

I’ve tried hard to stop, I’ve really tried

So sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!

And the wheels keep on turning

Can’t stop if I’m losing, can’t stop if I’m winning.

Just can’t stop!!!!

And the wheels keep on turning!

***

I am both full time carer, and full time dependent. In short I care for my disabled daughter with hubby’s help, and hubby cares for us both, with no help!

I have lived with mental illness for as long as I can remember, hospitalised twice in early adulthood with severe depression, and more recently diagnosed with O.C.D (obsessive compulsive disorder) which makes me feel a bit like this  'STUCK - IN - SCARED'.  Much more on that later!

I also have a diagnosis of G.A.D (generalised anxiety disorder) which causes me, at some point everyday, even the good days; varied levels of anxiety, and exacerbates facial and body tics, which vary in severity from mild to severe.

AGORAPHOBIA… which makes me feel a bit like this

PARANOIA which is probably related to OCD, although I’m not a doctor so I could be wrong about that. I do know that in my case paranoia affects my ability to trust anyone completely, even my husband who I love with all my heart. More on that later I think, it’s not easy to explain in short.

And last, but by no means least (for the past three years or so) an eating disorder - probably the most terrifying symptom of mental illness Iv'e experienced yet, and the one I find the most difficult to write about.

***

I have five children, including one with complex special needs. They are all amazing, I love them so much and can't wait to share them with you.

***

I am a writer - I've always jotted a bit, and began writing on a more regular basis after my occupational therapist suggested that it might bring me some relief to do so, especially as medication for OCD and related anxiety is not an option for me (overwhelming fear prevents me from taking it) and previous attempts to engage with CBT therapy and psychotherapy have failed, although it has been pointed out to me that both of these therapies are usually more effective alongside medication. (Catch 22!)

My Occupational therapist was right; writing does offer some relief from anxiety but much more than that, it empowers me, gives me a focus, an opportunity to confront and share my fears, and fills me with a sense of achievement.

Maybe one day I’ll write that book Iv'e been harking on about for years, Maybe I‘ll never get around to it! Maybe, Maybe, Maybe, Maybe! (Sorry about all the maybe’s one wouldn't have made my point, and two or three would't have been four!) now I need one more because I see a total of seven in this paragraph, so here it is - maybe all that really matters right now is that I’m writing, and it feels great!

***

I am Me - I'm loving, kind, empathetic. Compassionate, generous, passionate. Creative. 

I have a fabulous imagination, a child-like way about me (not always a good thing), a wicked sense of humour, and a heart for the hurting.

I like Christmas, a lottle (that's like a little but a lot). I'm obsessed with Betty Boop; there may be more Boops in my house than there are in the Boop-Shop.

I love: the sound and smell of the rain, the sun on my face, sand between my toes. Sausage meat between my fingers (that's not as mad as it sounds). Paddling. Puddle jumping. Mud between my toes. Being with my kids. Cappuccino!

I hate: Cruelty. The current UK Government. War. Greed. Fish (unless it's cod...cod's okay). Oh, and the wind; I HATE the wind, it's so... so irritatingly-windy!

***

PRAYER

Lord, I pray that by my telling-it-how-it-is I might help myself and other mental health sufferers feel less isolated, and at the same time help mental health professionals and society in general gain better understanding of what it feels like to live with mental illness. Amen.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

YAH! After days of obsessing, counting, checking, and constant rewriting I’ve finally completed this blog! I feel a WHOOP coming on!

                                                                       

If you have made it this far down what can only be described as an extremely long 'me me me' post, thank you for sticking around.

It helps me to share, I hope that somewhere in my ramblings you find something that helps you.

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie  x                                        contact details….stuckinscared@yahoo.co.uk

I'll leave you with this random cloud, because it's a fabulous cloud, because I've always loved cloud gazing (though this one looks like it needs bouncing on, rather than looking at) and because I took the shot myself, and I'm rather proud of it :o) x

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