Just a Quote #1 (Inner Child)

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I'm trying something new this year (alongside my usual rambles). A weekly Just-a-Quote post.

I'll be sharing some of my own thoughts, (the above quote is one of my own), I'll also be sharing other quotes that resonate with me (with credit where it's due). 

I hope to (when I've worked out how to) create a weekly Just-a-Quote linky at some point during the year. Don't hold your breath mind, cause so far I haven't a clue o_O #Technophobe! 

Advice welcome, bloggy-friends ;o)

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

Related post: As long as there are hearts in my care

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STILL afraid... and the Line's STILL fine!

I originally wrote the following piece in 2013... I'm sharing it again today, edited only marginally, because almost 3 years on there is STILL no change for the better... Government are STILL ignoring campaigners... Disabled people (those who have survived the sustained attacks) are STILL afraid!

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Writing about my life with mental illness really helps me, it’s cathartic to write my thoughts down.

I made the decision to share my muddled mind through this blog because I felt that sharing my experiences might help other sufferers (and me) feel less isolated.

I hope that by my ‘telling it how it is’ someone somewhere will find some relief in reading. 

Having said that I do worry (a lot!) that being too honest about some of my mental health symptoms may do more harm than good and it’s for that reason I’m going to suggest that if you're feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment you don’t read any further into this post... 

A FINE LINE

In recent years I’ve had various conversations with friends (some via social media, some face to face) who report an increase in self-harm, and/or suicidal-thoughts... and I've lost count of how many articles of same/similar I've read on line. 

One lady (heartbreakingly) confided that she is mentally making plans to re-home her pets because she feels suicidal and is concerned that she might act on these feelings, leaving her pets uncared for.  

Many of the people I've spoken to have complex mental health issues (some have physical disabilities too),  and they have told me that their increase (or onset) of self-harming behaviours/thoughts, and/or suicidal thoughts are directly related to fear of Government, DWP, and current or anticipated WCA (Work capability assessment).

Of course, I know from personal experience that paranoid fear, irrational thoughts and an inability to cope with change often go hand in hand with mental illness, however, given the relentless cuts to disability welfare and services, the Government/media propaganda, and the treatment that so many have endured at DWP assessments interrogations, it’s hardly surprising that so many sick/disabled people feel incredibly anxious at the moment.

People are desperately afraid, overwhelmed with fear. Many are deeply affected by right wing ‘scrounger’ propaganda and incredibly worried about their future. 

They’re terrified by even the idea of having to expose themselves (face to face) at a ten minute (tick box) assessment (to a complete stranger) who is unlikely to be qualified to assess mental illness and even less likely to empathise. They are also despairingly aware that even if they are lucky enough to qualify for benefit it won't be long before the process begins again!  

Many are self-harming, some feel suicide may be a better option than continuing to battle both debilitating illness and the ‘powers that be’.

Some are far sicker now under a system that (in many cases) claims they are fit for work than they were under the previous system which recognised that they were NOT and supported them accordingly.

Am I afraid? (May 2013) Yes I’m afraid, very afraid! 

(Nov 2015)... Still afraid...and the line's still fine.

Has my own tendency to self-harm increased as a direct result of the coalition’s attitude towards disabled people?

Yes!  Though I’m ashamed to admit it, it has.

Do I want to continue living with this daily, nightly, debilitating fear?

NO! Oh God no!  

I can’t see an end to it, the future is scary, and my own symptoms of mental (and physical) illness have been greatly exacerbated.

Do I ever wonder if my husband, family, (The State) would do better without the-burden-of-me? 

Sometimes.

Do I feel suicidal? - Do I wish I were dead?

Those of you who know me either through contact or through my writing will already know the answer to this question! You’ll know that I am and always have been terrified of death. You will have read here >> Scared to shut my eyes! about my overwhelming fear of death as a child, you’ll know how terrifying my intrusive thoughts are and how often they relate to death.

NO - I don’t feel suicidal, I have NEVER felt suicidal no matter how much life, other people (or my own mind) has thrown at me.  No, I don't wish I were dead.

I  don’t wish I were dead now, and I didn’t in 1986 when life, other people (and my own chaotic mind) caused me to suffer a complete mental breakdown and I attempted to take my own life...

I don’t remember how I got to my bedroom that evening with a full bottle of ‘paracetamol’ and a pint glass of water. I don’t remember planning or contemplating suicide or for one single moment wishing I was dead.

I don’t remember thinking about my 8 month old baby or wondering how he would cope without me.

I don’t remember feeling suicidal, I don’t remember wanting to die.

I DO vaguely remember taking the pills.

There was no lining up of tablets like you see on TV, no thoughts, no fear, no emotion, no tears... there was *nothingness*.

I tipped the pills from bottle to mouth (how I swallowed so many at once is beyond me) and washed each mouthful down with water until there were no more pills to take.

There are some blurry (vague) memories after that, my first husband slapping me very hard (this confused me) – baby crying - arriving at hospital in an ambulance – a black tarry substance  - gagging on a tube - a drip – a white ceiling through a strange tunnel vision, then blank again.  Days of nothing, no thoughts, no emotion... *nothingness*!

I have never ‘contemplated’ suicide, BUT in ‘1986’ (20  years old, without so much as a passing thought for the first of my five children) I very nearly succeeded in taking my own life!

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I had a point when I started writing today and I’m not sure if I’ve succeeded in making it, so briefly... 

For many mentally ill (and indeed, physically ill) people there is a very fine line between incredible strength, and *can’t take anymore*.  

I am deeply concerned that the UK Governments relentless cuts and cruel propaganda are pushing so many vulnerable people worryingly close to... *can’t take anymore*. 

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POSITIVE THOUGHT

I'm now almost 30 years on, I'm still here, I cannot stress enough how thankful I am for that!

How thankful I'll feel this evening when my fifth child (my baby) rolls in from school and throws her smiley-gorgeous-self into my arms.

How thankful I am to be here when my older-no-longer-at-home-kids turn up needing Mum.

How Thankful-thrilled-bubbly-excited I will be in 7ish months time when I hold my first Grandbaby.

Life is tough at the moment, it has been to varying degrees for as long as I can remember but I feel incredibly blessed to be here.

If you're feeling vulnerable/at risk at the moment, dear reader, please, talk to someone...confide in someone you trust... a family member, friend (IRL or on line), a medical professional, support worker or carer.

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Thank you, as always, for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Before you go, can I ask that you consider signing the *NEW* #WOWpetition... in support of the UK's chronically sick & disabled people.

You'll find more details about the WOW-campaign HERE

The petition (should you wish to sign it) is HERE

You can follow/support the WOW-campaign on twitter HERE

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Blessed within the Shadows

Do you see in me what GOD sees? 

Do you hear what he hears?

He sees so much more than mental illness, 

paranoia, fear.

Can you empathize as GOD does 

with the shadows from my past

If you looked at me with his eyes 

would you see behind the mask.

I know it hurts your feelings 

when I pull from your embrace,

I'm trapped, but always open 

to the sadness on your face.

GOD alone knows the real me, 

locked deep inside this skin

can you understand, as he does 

why I cannot let you in?

Imagine the blackest darkness, 

close your eyes, focus; are you there?

There are demons in the shadows, 

so tread carefully, beware!

I hide here in the darkness 

too afraid to venture out,

Tears frozen on my eyelids, 

suppressed, can’t scream or shout.

Now imagine you're looking through GODS eyes, 

can you see that little light?

It’s tiny in the darkness, do you see it? 

It burns so very bright.   

There’s beauty in that little light, 

such love, kindness, creativity.  

That little glowing pocket 

in the darkness that you see?

That little glowing pocket, 

is Gods 'AMAZING ME'.

©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved  

I’m blessed within the shadows 
by dreams of all that I could be

In hope, I pray, that through ‘AMAZING GRACE’ 

I will one day be free.

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x

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Feigning Control ........ #MicroPoetry

Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved 

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you, and all those you love

Kimmie x

#Poem 'Stuck-In-Scared'

Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved 

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you, and all those you love

Kimmie x

I am...

When other mental health sufferers say they are ashamed (many of them are, for one reason or another) I'm usually the first to respond with - "You have nothing to be ashamed of, you can't help being ill" - and I mean it!

However, I'm afraid it's a case of 'Take my advice, I'm not using it', because there really is no other word than 'ashamed' that describes how I feel, overwhelmingly so, and have felt for a very long time.

My 'shame' might not be rational, but it is 'my' truth, and that's what this space is for.

I AM

I AM MUM - To my youngest child (as I once was to my older children) I am story teller - sock puppet  - Tickle monster - make-believer - hugger - hand holder - love; no questions asked.

My four older children are a different story - these days (though they try hard to hide it) they are uncomfortable around me, resentful, ashamed.

They're no longer babies, I can't hide behind, sand castles, sock puppets, and 'sing a song of sixpence' anymore.

They don't understand mental illness, they can't see 'Stuck-In-Scared - but they can see whats going on externally, and it frightens them.

I love my kids and they love me. I have never set out to hurt them, but (without meaning to) hurt them (emotionally) I have!

I am ashamed.

I AM WIFE - I am the wife who almost drove my husband away, because I was blind to how my illness affected him.

He says that blinded by my mental illness (which in fairness has been greatly exacerbated this past few years) he lost sight of ‘me’ - he’s sorry - he loves me - he’ll never hurt me again.

I blame myself - I'm looking into his eyes, and seeing, Where I once saw special, everything I despise about myself reflected back at me.

I am ashamed.

I AM ADDICT (In recovery) - I am the woman who, consumed by symptoms of mental illness, used gambling as a form of escapism. despite knowing she was hurting herself, and those she loved.

I am the grown woman who once sat on a stool in a bingo hall, and wet herself because she'd pumped too much money into a fruit machine to chance another punter stealing her win while she went to the loo!

I am the mother who was often late picking her children up from school because she couldn't walk away - who struggled to feed her children, and went hungry herself, because she'd gambled best part of the housekeeping.

I am the mother, who (up until ten years ago) thought more often about her next bet, than she did her children, and her older children remember that!

I am ashamed

I AM OCD -  "I see the brush slam down onto the back of my beloved child's head. I hear her desperate screams as the brush comes crashing down! I see myself standing over her, a stranger masking my face, the mask vaguely familiar and yet at the same time completely unrecognizable! I see my child confused, hysterical and consumed with fear beneath me. I repel with every fiber of my being against the *illusory images*; my heart breaks!" read more

I am ashamed

(Please be aware, the above paragraph has been recycled from an old post, and is about intrusive thoughts, a symptom of OCD - NOT child abuse, you can read the paragraph in context by clicking on the (read more) link above. Thank you.

I AM SELF HARM - Sometimes I feel desperate, sometimes I feel angry, unimaginably angry, angry at me, sometimes I crave feelings of relief, calm, control - sometimes I just need to feel.

I starve, burn, cut, bleed, I am visibly scarred.

I am ashamed

I AM AGORAPHOBIA - I'm unable to go anywhere alone, unable to go out at all some days.

Despite being accompanied in public, I often experience catastrophic thoughts, often experience paranoia, and sometimes experience panic attacks  - sometimes it's clear to onlookers that I have issues, my awareness of this exacerbates anxiety, and shame.

My inability to go anywhere alone places a great burden on my family, especially my husband.

I am ashamed.

I AM EATING DISORDER -  probably the most terrifying symptom of mental illness Iv'e experienced yet, and the one I find the most difficult to write about.

This relatively new addition to my mental health issues frightens the life out of me, and I simply cannot find any 'justifiable' reason for starving myself half to death when I have five children who need me to be strong, and ALIVE!

I am ashamed.

(2016 edit...I have made some progress since this post was published, two years ago. I'm still unable to eat in front of people, and my eating is still somewhat disordered, but I am eating now (as opposed to surviving on cuppa-soup and coffee) and my weight is within a healthier range...there is progress. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there... I think.)

I AM BENEFIT CLAIMANT - My youngest child and I are both disabled, my husband is our carer, we didn't ask to be a burden on society (Tory words, not mine) but we are - we take the 'social security' (incidentally, from the same system, that my husband paid into for 20 years, before taking on the role of full time carer) or we are unable to survive. 

Fear of the Government, the media, and the benefit system, fear of those in society who have no understanding of invisible illness/disability, and are taken in by the 'scrounger' rhetoric, has led to a dramatic increase in my symptoms, and has caused an Eating disorder, that I did not have prior to the UK Governments combined attack against welfare recipients.

It seems these days its almost impossible to read a newspaper without the words, liar - cheat 'scrounger', jumping out from the page.

I feel judged - by Government - media - society....I'm afraid that you, dear reader, may be judging me right now!

I am ashamed.

I AM DISABLED - Damaged 'stock', a drain on loved ones, a drain on the state.

I am ashamed.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

I AM ME - I am Me - I'm loving, kind, empathetic. Compassionate, generous, passionate. Creative.

I have a child-like way about me (not always a good thing), a wicked sense of humour, and a heart for the hurting.

I like Christmas, a lottle (that's like a little but a lot). I'm obsessed with Betty Boop; there may be more Boops in my house than there are in the Boop-Shop.

I love: Clouds, the sound and smell of the rain, the sun on my face, sand between my toes. Sausage meat between my fingers (that's not as mad as it sounds). Paddling. Puddle jumping. Mud between my toes. Being with my kids. Cappuccino!

I hate: Cruelty. The current UK Government. War. Greed. Fish (unless it's cod...cod's okay). Oh, and the wind; I HATE the wind, it's so... so irritatingly-windy!

I have a fabulous imagination, and the ability to get right down on a child's level, and I mean right down; like 50 going on five down, so I make a great playmate, Where my relationship with my children is concerned, these qualities are my saving grace.

PRAYER

Lord, I pray that the eyes of those who 'see it how it isn't', be opened, and the voices of those 'who tell it how it is', be heard. Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Related Posts
Just For Today
A Rant
A Fine Line
Agoraphobia (poem)
 Where I once saw special
Stranger Within

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'Cloaked in sunny' #mentalillness

Symptoms of mental illness are usually very well hidden; behind award winning smiles... behind "I'm fine" - "I'm okay".

Many mental illness sufferers (including me) feel the need to mask their symptoms face to face; especially if the face they're facing has no experience or understanding of mental illness, and is anticipated by the sufferer as likely to judge.

Often a persons outward appearance bears no semblance to their inner truth.

They might appear bright; animated even. Doing a fabulous job of mimicking your sunshine, and yet be stood before you in a haze of darkness.

They may be holding a conversation with you (wearing one of those award winning smiles) whilst at the same time battling to control intrusive thoughts, compulsions, voices, suicidal thoughts.

From my own experience... I often mask the turmoil beneath the surface, because I'm ashamed, because I fear judgement, and because I don't want to burden others; least of all those I love.

Frequently, when I'm asked questions like ‘are you okay?’ or ‘how are you?’ my mind reels off a load of relevant answers that completely contradict the "I'm fine" that rolls off my tongue.

It's easier to lie than it is to explain fearful-depressed-incredibly anxious. Emotional, paranoid, hypervigilant. Twitchy (and hoping you don't notice). Panicky. Hurting. STUCK IN SCARED!

It's easier to paint on a smile, cover up, feign control; than it is to admit to dark thoughts, flash backs, self inflicted scars, deep despair, self directed anger... SHAME!

In my case (and I believe the same is true for others, but I can only speak for myself here) it's entirely possible that I might be mimicking sunshine only hours after a major meltdown.

Mental illness is (usually) invisible, but very real. It's often debilitating, often disabling, sometimes life threatening, and always incredibly painful. Whether you can see it or not!

It's impossible to tell how someone truly feels on the inside based only on their outward appearance.

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POSITIVE THOUGHT

These days, Thanks to Twitter (and other networks full of like minded people) many sufferers (including me) are able to reach out, open up (whilst remaining protected) and access the empathy/support they need.

PRAYER

LORD, Please bless all those who say “I’m fine.” when in truth they are far from it. I pray their lives be filled with people who care enough to see (and understand), the turmoil behind the mask.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

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AGORAPHOBIA #poem

POSITIVE THOUGHT
My hubby, without him I'd be housebound.

PRAYER
I pray for all those who suffer with Agoraphobia; especially those who have no one to steer them through the crowd, Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

'All things dark and ugly'

WARNING: The following ramble includes some mild (non explicit) references to self harm. Please read with caution if you are feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment. 

In my own experience fear, shame and paranoia have resulted in a life time of 'hiding', and I find it almost impossible to open up to anyone (away from blogger) with complete honesty.

When the same fear and shame interferes with my ability to talk to GOD, isolation reaches a whole new level! 

Belief isn't an issue (If I didn't believe there’d be no need for this ramble!) but, I do struggle (really struggle) in my relationship with God.

My prayers are almost always interrupted by intrusive thoughts, obscenities, day-mares or random muddle and as I can’t hide the ‘me behind the mask’ from God, I find prayer incredibly stressful.

Here’s what usually happens when I attempt to pray (lets give the ‘Lords prayer’ as an example)

It goes a bit like this - “Our father who art in heaven’, hallowed be”….  that’s usually about as far as I get before a random obscenity pops into my head (sometimes aimed at God which exacerbates shame!) if not blaspheme, it’s appalling thoughts/images - intrusions that are always unwelcome but never more so than when I'm praying.

Often, in my attempt to block unwanted thoughts, I'll recite ‘Ten green bottles' (or similar) while continuing at the same time with prayer.

So now one area of my mind is reciting ’Ten green bottles’, while another struggles with the words I should be saying. If this isn't sufficient to suppress unwanted thoughts, I resort to actually picturing each of my illusory green bottles as they fall off the wall!

If I come away from common pray and attempt to pray in my own words, I've usually given up before the fourth bottle hits the ground.

There is no peace in this prayer time fiasco, it’s stressful, it hurts me, I dread it! 

And yet at the same time I’m compelled to pray, I need to pray (I've a lot that needs forgiving and a million and one people I want to pray for!)  

I imagine (if you don’t believe in God) you’re by now raising your eyebrows at the mentally ill bible basher (if you haven’t buggered off already) but for those of you who get this, have perhaps experienced similar (and for myself) I will continue.

So how do I get around my ‘praying with a head full of crap’ problem?!

How do I ask forgiveness for (appalling) thoughts if I’m still experiencing them as I pray - forgiveness for hurting myself when the urge to cross the room (despite God’s presence) and take the scissors from the draw is so strong! 

How - when my mind thinks it's appropriate to throw random swear words into prayer, do I say, "I'm sorry God", knowing seconds later it will happen again?!

Today (with fruit loop pooch bouncing around my ankles) in the time it took me to transport a pair of scissors from lounge to kitchen, and (shaking my head in horror) throw them into a draw, my mind had played out extremely vivid 'mutilate the dog' scenes!
How do I ask forgiveness for such thoughts when it's not the first time I've had them and it's unlikely to be the last?!
(Though I do thank God that the dogs actual experience was - 'human at drawer (boring) - human at treat cupboard (Yah!) - gobble - slobber - beg for more)

How do I say "I'm sorry I'm not able to picture Jesus as I pray Lord - the people I care about or 'All things bright and beautiful" - "I'm sorry that in order to get through ten minutes in your presence without having a breakdown I'm watching illusory bottles smash to the ground or picturing illusory kids buying illusory currant buns from an illusory bloody bakers shop!"

How do I do that?!

Truth is I can't, and for now at least, I have given up trying to be alone in my head with God!

However (Thanks to God) there is something I can do....I can (though some may disagree) write, and as when I'm writing I'm usually relatively free from intrusive thoughts (those that aren't blocked by my 'key board bashing' are often relevant) a while ago I thought - 'why not write to God!'

And that's what I did - I started writing my prayers down, and it helped; It really helped!

I felt no pressure to read my prayers to God after writing - If God can see into my heart I'm pretty sure he can see into my lap top!

Funny isn't it (or not as the case may be) that the answer to a problem (a prayer) can be right there under your nose, and it takes a life time to notice!

Anyway, we muddled along relatively well God and I, until one day, after reading a particularly beautiful prayer on a friend's blog, it occurred to me that though I've read lots of prayer books/blogs in my time, I've never read prayers quite like my own (other than my own obviously)

Increasingly, I found myself comparing my prayers with those of other writers.
Theirs were full of beautiful, fluffy, seemingly God given words;  mine were not!
Theirs sang 'All things bright and beautiful', while mine (more often than not) screamed 'All things dark and ugly'!
I went looking for prayers more like my own - I found none.
I was filled with such shame that after initially attempting (and failing) to write to God using other peoples words, I gave up altogether.

I was stranded - AGAIN!

Then one night, around 3am (more commonly known as 'stupid o'clock') after a particularly bad (Intrusive thought/self-harm) day - agitated, afraid, and crying out for God, I suddenly remembered a message that another blogger had left on one of my blog posts.

"You are far from being a disappointment to God. He loves you beyond words"

I got out of bed, and I spoke to God (through my keyboard) My way!
No fluffiness, no beating around the bush, no hiding!

Here's what came out....
‘LORD, I hurt myself today, I was so angry at 'me' - ashamed of,  and terrified by my thoughts - filled with overwhelming self hatred. 
I wanted to (needed to) scream, cry, rage, but that would have hurt my child.  
I meant to hurt myself, I knew what I was doing, I craved the relief I knew the pain would bring. Please forgive me. I'm sorry.

I’m ashamed of my weakness, I’m sorry for my actions, and I’m now terrified (as always) that the wound will become infected, please help me and heal me Lord, in body, mind and spirit. I'm sorry. 

I can’t promise you it won’t happen again, Iv'e made you the same promise so many times before that now it would just feel like a lie. I’m sorry.

I pray for your help in controlling my urge to self-harm. Help me to be kinder to myself, help me to accept (all of the time) that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of my illness and not a reflection of who I am.... Lord, hear my prayer. Amen.’

Not your average share with the world prayer, but one that brings me to the point of this (rather long) ramble.

While sipping post prayer coffee I got to thinking (not for the first time) 'What if I'm not the only one'!
What if other mental health sufferers are struggling to recite 'All things bright and beautiful' with a head full of 'All things dark and ugly' !

So my friends - I'm going to (attempt) to write a book.

I'm going to attempt to write a prayer book that might enable other sufferers whose heads are full of 'All things dark and ugly' to open up honestly to God! - To just let go, and 'Pray it how it is'!

Wish me luck! :O)

MENTAL ILLNESS, GOD & me

POSITIVE THOUGHT                                 

He will not let go of me!

PRAYER

LORD, If it’s meant to be written let it be written. In the meantime, I pray that in sharing ‘my story’, I might help other sufferers feel a little less isolated! Amen. 

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

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'As long as there are hearts in my care'

Am I meant to endure?

Bear forever these relentless attacks from the ‘Stranger Within’

Coalition of 'Strangers External' now allied  

Damaged ‘stock’, a drain on loved ones, a drain on the state

Existing shamefaced in a world where others live  

Fight or flight? Consumed with fear

Gods disappointment  

Haunted by another time – I’m needed there

Juggling madness and mothering – I’m needed here

Keeper of hearts, taking care not to hurt them

La-di-da persecutors seek to destroy – hearts are threatened

Must endure!

Nabobery hoodwink the masses - ignorance permits

OCD’ torments me with 'their' words

Paranoia - fear - shame, my own mind is the oppressor’s mightiest weapon!

Quote: "The human spirit will endure sickness; but a broken spirit who can bear?"

Run away – run and hide - panic!

Silently screaming - visibly scarred – STUCK IN SCARED

Too much to bear, unbearable now – Is this it?  Am I broken? Is this what broken feels like?

Unendurable  

VOID... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... crimson awareness

Welcome relief - wounded NOT broken

Xmas – I love Christmas – Random

Years of Yesterdays and all my tomorrows – as long as there are hearts in my care - I endure.

Z – Clearly I never thought this through because despite an extensive ‘Google’ search I found no ‘Z words’ to fit my thoughts. Fail...! o_O

POSITIVE THOUGHT 
Christmas (obviously) and just above that, right at the top of my list of positives, are the much loved 'hearts in my care'. 

PRAYER

Lord, Thank you for my children, for trusting me with their hearts and for every single day (no matter how difficult that day is for me) that you wake me and bring me to them. Amen

                                    

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

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Scared to shut my eyes!

I have sat here staring at the blank page for so long now I can almost see you all sat at the foot of my bed shouting "For God's sake get on with it"!

The trouble is my friends, is that so much has happened since I last filled your minds with my woes that I really don't know where to start!

Perhaps I will begin with now, right now, this very minute!

Right now, I'm propped up in bed nursing a chest infection with my lap top in front of me trying to convince my fingers to dance joyfully across the keyboard tapping out all the words I believe people want to read in the week following Christmas!

Don't misunderstand me, I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of the year!

I love the lead up to Christmas, I delight in the fairy lights and decorations which fill almost every corner of my home. I anticipate with butterfly tummy and skipping heart my children's squeals of delight on Christmas morning. I love the chaos - the mess that out does all messes - the 'pringle' crumb carpet - the tripping over the long and short legs sprawled out into the middle of my very small dinning room as I attempt to get to the back door for a quick cigarette break - the five a.m stumble along the landing to be greeted by a wide awake 'Littlie' with stocking in hand shouting "he's been mummy, he's been".
I love it all, and indeed, despite the terrible few weeks leading up to Christmas, and the equally terrible week following; I did, as always, enjoy Christmas morning with my gorgeous ones!

The weeks leading up to Christmas are a bit of a fear filled blur to be honest, 'Littlie', who is disabled, was extremely ill, my insomnia was at it's worst due to an exacerbation of OCD symptoms (intrusive death thoughts) and in the hours I might normally have managed some exhaustion induced sleep I found I was too scared to shut my eyes in case 'Littlie' stopped breathing while I slept!

In the weeks following 'Littlies' birth and subsequent diagnoses we were given a lot of information about her condition (Prada Willi Syndrome) I read it all, and understood that any given symptom may or may not affect my child, that everything on the long list of symptoms varied in severity from one sufferer to the next. However, jumping from the page to be well and truly etched across my OCD mind forever, were the words 'sudden unexplained death'!

Now in addition to my fearing that my grey, wheezing child might die in the night if I dared to sleep there was as always in the weeks leading up to Christmas my ongoing fear of my own death! When I say 'as always' I mean as always, every day, for as long as I can remember, I have endured overwhelming fear and panic tied into thoughts of death!
These are not passing thoughts, these are intrusive thoughts, detailed imagery that invades my mind without warning, While going about everyday activities I actually see my own death in as much detail as I might see in a vivid nightmare, or in a film scene!

Another time I will go into more detail on these thoughts and how debilitating they can be, doing so will not help me in the long term, you see I have written and spoken about these intrusive images for years and, though cathartic at the time, it does not serve to stop them,
I am conscious that at the very least my writing about these thoughts here on the blog may help other sufferers realize that they are not alone, and for that reason I will come back to them.

Not today though, they would take up too much blog space, and today my mind is somewhere else. I hear you all breath a sigh of relief but don't get too excited friends, I haven't quite finished with you yet!

If I can ask you to follow me for a bit and bring your imaginations with you, I'll take you to where my mind is today....

We are now in a little upstairs council house toilet, the walls are 'apple white', there's a little frosted window to the left of us, the lino flooring is cold beneath our feet, the door is painted white, and there is a little round safety lock just below the door handle. On the floor is a pyjama clad child, she has long dark brown hair which half covers her face, she is crouched sobbing just behind the door, her left hand stretched out holding the little lock in position. The child is afraid and on the other side of the door her mother is ranting, shouting and swearing, banging on the door, "YOU LITTLE GIT" she shouts "OPEN THIS DOOR"!

I can see her so clearly, 'the child' from where I'm standing, I want to reach out and touch her, pull her into my arms and tell her it's okay, I want to hold her until she falls asleep and then carry her from the cold lino floor, past her screaming mother, and into her bed, I want to sit by her bed until morning and stroke her gently back to sleep if she should wake.

I want to tell her that it's all in her head, that no one will come into the room with a bread knife while she sleeps and cut her pretty head off, that there is no man in the wardrobe, no monsters at the window. I want to reassure her that the pillow her tear stained face is turned into will not suffocate her while she sleeps.

I want to say "come now child, you don't need to lock yourself in the toilet night after night for fear of dying while you sleep", "this will pass child, as you grow this WILL pass!"
If this were possible would she be comforted do you think or would she see through my lies, would she see into my mind as I can hers and know the worst is yet to come!

I'm still stood on the cold lino to the right of the little frosted window, and if you haven't yet gone back to what you were doing before I dragged you into a little 'apple white' council house toilet, then you're still stood beside me, on the floor in front of us the child still cries and on the other side of the door her mother still rages!

There is nothing I can say or do, the child can neither see nor hear me, I am her future, and she is my past.
 
If you came with me, I thank you, because I didn't want to go alone.

PRAYER
Lord, I'm blessed within my shadows of dreams of all that I could be, I pray through your 'Amazing Grace' I will one day be free. Amen

POSITIVE THOUGHT
I guess my positive thought today has to be all of you friends, Thank you for following my blog and offering such kind support both here in the comments section and via twitter, I honestly don't know how I used to managed without you all!

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                            Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved

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'And I know he always will love me'

A few months ago I bumped into an old school friend, not just any old friend, a loyal, funny and well remembered old friend.  Despite losing touch after leaving school I would often find myself looking back on my school years and remembering with a smile my skinny, scatty friend who without realizing had made my teenage years far more bearable than they might otherwise have been!.
‘Tammy’ and I had a lot in common (back in the day we would probably have been likened to each other because of our scatty natures!)

Anyway back to the here and now. ‘Tammy’ is still a bit scatty, as am I, only these days we have something else in common, our spiritual beliefs. Whilst walking separately through all the twists and turns and up’s and downs of adulthood we have both managed to find GOD along the way’

Things have been especially tough over the past year or so, my mental health issues have been exacerbated greatly for one reason and another, reasons for the sake of sanity I will not go into right now. (I’m having a relatively good day and would like to keep it that way!)

‘Tammy’ though slightly more resilient than me and way more positive has also had a very difficult time of late, I won’t go into the reasons for this, it isn’t necessary and wouldn’t be fair!

At this point in my ramble I feel it relevant to point out that due to  severe ‘intrusive thoughts’ a symptom of OCD I have found it almost impossible to engage with GOD through prayer for some time now. Prayers are so often interrupted by the muddle that is my mind that far from bringing peace they just result in my feeling ashamed and on edge.

Feeling so isolated is perhaps one of the most devastating consequences of my mental illness.
Fear, shame, paranoia and stigma have resulted in a life time of hiding and I find it almost impossible to open up to anyone with complete honesty.

When the same shame and fear interferes with my ability to talk to GOD isolation reaches a whole new level!

Recently I have really struggled with my relationship with GOD mainly because my  prayers are so often interrupted by intrusive thoughts, obscenities or general mind muddle!
Asking GOD to forgive intrusive thoughts (thoughts of or urges to self harm - thoughts of harming others) can be really difficult when you are unable to promise that your thoughts or indeed behaviour will be any different the following day!

Here’s what often happens during my prayers - I begin to pray (lets give the Lords prayer as an example)
It goes a bit like this, ‘Our father who art in heaven’ hallowed be’ that’s usually about as far as I get before a random obscenity pops into my head (sometimes aimed at GOD which only serves to increase shame!) or any of the other random, awful intrusions that are a part of my every day life. (I’m experiencing them now as I write!)

In order to complete my prayers (which I rarely manage having given up in shame half way through!) I use another area of my mind to recite ‘Ten green bottles'
So now one part of my mind is reciting ’ten green bottles (not sure why it should be this song as I find it extremely irritating!)  while another part of my mind continues with the ‘Lords prayer’ sometimes this is still not sufficient to suppress intrusive thoughts and images and on these occasions I resort to actually picturing each of my illusory green bottles as they fall off the wall!

You can imagine how mentally draining for me this complicated prayer time fiasco is and it gets worse if I come away from the ‘lords prayer and attempt to pray in my own words for something or someone specific I have usually given up in despair before the fourth bottle has hit the ground.

My inability to engage with GOD through prayer has left me feeling stranded. I have thought of myself as ‘BAD’ since early childhood (partly as a result of my mothers reactions to me and partly as a result of the symptoms of my mental illness, specifically the vile intrusive thoughts)

Of - course if you don’t believe in GOD you may have buggered off by now, eye’s raised and 'tut tutting' at the 'Mentally ill bible basher’ but for those of you who are still with me, there is a point to this story!….

That dreary August morning whilst browsing the internet I came across a picture that instantly made me think of ‘Tammy’, ‘A white feather’ accompanied by a spiritual message! 
Now I've never noticed white feathers at my feet, of course they may have been there, I just never noticed! ’Tammy on the other hand often has and on a spiritual level they are very significant to her!

Well anyway until learning recently (and only because I googled it!) I had no idea that to some believers white feathers have spiritual significance. I sent the picture along with its message of hope to ‘Tammy’s’ face book wall. She liked, commented then buggered off, as you do if you’ve actually got a life aside from Twitter and Facebook!

I spent the morning at home then decided that as the weather was a bit hit and miss, an indoor picnic in the church would be a nice idea.
As ‘Thebodyguard’ is church warden he has keys to our Church and we can come and go as we please. ’Littlie’ who loves being in Church could chill out with some churchy music with daddy while I set about sorting the mound of jumble on the balcony!

We would generally walk to church via our own Street but as we needed to call in at the shop on the corner of ‘Paupers Street’ on this occasion we made our way via ‘Paupers’ street, ’Littlie chatting nineteen to the dozen, ’Thebodyguard’ in his own little world and me? Well I’ve had better days!

Anyway we were about five feet into ‘Paupers Street’ when I noticed a ‘white feather’ laying on the ground, I’m not sure why I noticed it neither am I sure as to why I felt the need to photograph it but I did and on we went.

We plodded on another twenty steps or so and there on the ground another ‘white feather’ prompting me to take another picture, I couldn’t help thinking of the shared message that morning and my friends frequent tales of GODS little co-incidences in her life!

To cut a long street short by the time we had reached the top of Paupers’ I had noticed and photographed four little white feathers and was filled with a warmth that in my opinion can only be described as GODLEY!

As we turned into the next Road heading for the front entrance of the church a thought entered my mind, it was a strong feeling accompanied by an image (“There’s a feather at the Church door”) Well there was! Right there outside the church door blown carelessly against one of the planters was a fifth white feather!

I photographed it and then filled with an overwhelming feeling of peace  followed hubby and child into the church. we laid our blankets down and enjoyed our little indoor picnic while listening to beautiful music and soaking in the peaceful atmosphere!

After eating I set about sorting jumble items while ’littlie and ’Thebodyguard’ played. Suddenly I felt compelled to stop what I was doing and go and look in the porch that serves as the back entrance to the church, so strong was the feeling of ‘seek and you will find’ that I was disappointed to find that there was no little white feather jumping out at me when I stepped into the porch. 

Feeling slightly silly I’d just turned to go back the way I came when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a tiny white feather laying up against the boiler room door almost completely covered by dry leaves. It was no bigger than my thumb nail and looking a bit worse for wear but a feather none the less. I brushed the leaves aside, pressed the zoom button on my camera and took my sixth feather photo of the day!

Some of you will understand exactly what was going on in ’Paupers Street that day, many of you will think I’m a bit mad, if you didn’t already. It matters not!  I feel lifted and hopeful when I look back to that day and I choose to thank GOD for that.

PRAYER
LORD, Thank you for gentle reminders of your presence in my life. I will continue to write my prayers down for the time being if that's okay with you, minus 'The ten green bottles' of course!

Father I place into your hands the things I'm going through
Father I place into your hands the things I cannot do
Father I place into your hands my friends and family
And I know you always will love me, Amen

POSITIVE THOUGHT
Good days, bad days or somewhere in the middle I'm surrounded by friends, family and a GOD who loves me!

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                                     

                                                                            Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved

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