'All things dark and ugly'

WARNING: The following ramble includes some mild (non explicit) references to self harm. Please read with caution if you are feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment. 

In my own experience fear, shame and paranoia have resulted in a life time of 'hiding', and I find it almost impossible to open up to anyone (away from blogger) with complete honesty.

When the same fear and shame interferes with my ability to talk to GOD, isolation reaches a whole new level! 

Belief isn't an issue (If I didn't believe there’d be no need for this ramble!) but, I do struggle (really struggle) in my relationship with God.

My prayers are almost always interrupted by intrusive thoughts, obscenities, day-mares or random muddle and as I can’t hide the ‘me behind the mask’ from God, I find prayer incredibly stressful.

Here’s what usually happens when I attempt to pray (lets give the ‘Lords prayer’ as an example)

It goes a bit like this - “Our father who art in heaven’, hallowed be”….  that’s usually about as far as I get before a random obscenity pops into my head (sometimes aimed at God which exacerbates shame!) if not blaspheme, it’s appalling thoughts/images - intrusions that are always unwelcome but never more so than when I'm praying.

Often, in my attempt to block unwanted thoughts, I'll recite ‘Ten green bottles' (or similar) while continuing at the same time with prayer.

So now one area of my mind is reciting ’Ten green bottles’, while another struggles with the words I should be saying. If this isn't sufficient to suppress unwanted thoughts, I resort to actually picturing each of my illusory green bottles as they fall off the wall!

If I come away from common pray and attempt to pray in my own words, I've usually given up before the fourth bottle hits the ground.

There is no peace in this prayer time fiasco, it’s stressful, it hurts me, I dread it! 

And yet at the same time I’m compelled to pray, I need to pray (I've a lot that needs forgiving and a million and one people I want to pray for!)  

I imagine (if you don’t believe in God) you’re by now raising your eyebrows at the mentally ill bible basher (if you haven’t buggered off already) but for those of you who get this, have perhaps experienced similar (and for myself) I will continue.

So how do I get around my ‘praying with a head full of crap’ problem?!

How do I ask forgiveness for (appalling) thoughts if I’m still experiencing them as I pray - forgiveness for hurting myself when the urge to cross the room (despite God’s presence) and take the scissors from the draw is so strong! 

How - when my mind thinks it's appropriate to throw random swear words into prayer, do I say, "I'm sorry God", knowing seconds later it will happen again?!

Today (with fruit loop pooch bouncing around my ankles) in the time it took me to transport a pair of scissors from lounge to kitchen, and (shaking my head in horror) throw them into a draw, my mind had played out extremely vivid 'mutilate the dog' scenes!
How do I ask forgiveness for such thoughts when it's not the first time I've had them and it's unlikely to be the last?!
(Though I do thank God that the dogs actual experience was - 'human at drawer (boring) - human at treat cupboard (Yah!) - gobble - slobber - beg for more)

How do I say "I'm sorry I'm not able to picture Jesus as I pray Lord - the people I care about or 'All things bright and beautiful" - "I'm sorry that in order to get through ten minutes in your presence without having a breakdown I'm watching illusory bottles smash to the ground or picturing illusory kids buying illusory currant buns from an illusory bloody bakers shop!"

How do I do that?!

Truth is I can't, and for now at least, I have given up trying to be alone in my head with God!

However (Thanks to God) there is something I can do....I can (though some may disagree) write, and as when I'm writing I'm usually relatively free from intrusive thoughts (those that aren't blocked by my 'key board bashing' are often relevant) a while ago I thought - 'why not write to God!'

And that's what I did - I started writing my prayers down, and it helped; It really helped!

I felt no pressure to read my prayers to God after writing - If God can see into my heart I'm pretty sure he can see into my lap top!

Funny isn't it (or not as the case may be) that the answer to a problem (a prayer) can be right there under your nose, and it takes a life time to notice!

Anyway, we muddled along relatively well God and I, until one day, after reading a particularly beautiful prayer on a friend's blog, it occurred to me that though I've read lots of prayer books/blogs in my time, I've never read prayers quite like my own (other than my own obviously)

Increasingly, I found myself comparing my prayers with those of other writers.
Theirs were full of beautiful, fluffy, seemingly God given words;  mine were not!
Theirs sang 'All things bright and beautiful', while mine (more often than not) screamed 'All things dark and ugly'!
I went looking for prayers more like my own - I found none.
I was filled with such shame that after initially attempting (and failing) to write to God using other peoples words, I gave up altogether.

I was stranded - AGAIN!

Then one night, around 3am (more commonly known as 'stupid o'clock') after a particularly bad (Intrusive thought/self-harm) day - agitated, afraid, and crying out for God, I suddenly remembered a message that another blogger had left on one of my blog posts.

"You are far from being a disappointment to God. He loves you beyond words"

I got out of bed, and I spoke to God (through my keyboard) My way!
No fluffiness, no beating around the bush, no hiding!

Here's what came out....
‘LORD, I hurt myself today, I was so angry at 'me' - ashamed of,  and terrified by my thoughts - filled with overwhelming self hatred. 
I wanted to (needed to) scream, cry, rage, but that would have hurt my child.  
I meant to hurt myself, I knew what I was doing, I craved the relief I knew the pain would bring. Please forgive me. I'm sorry.

I’m ashamed of my weakness, I’m sorry for my actions, and I’m now terrified (as always) that the wound will become infected, please help me and heal me Lord, in body, mind and spirit. I'm sorry. 

I can’t promise you it won’t happen again, Iv'e made you the same promise so many times before that now it would just feel like a lie. I’m sorry.

I pray for your help in controlling my urge to self-harm. Help me to be kinder to myself, help me to accept (all of the time) that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of my illness and not a reflection of who I am.... Lord, hear my prayer. Amen.’

Not your average share with the world prayer, but one that brings me to the point of this (rather long) ramble.

While sipping post prayer coffee I got to thinking (not for the first time) 'What if I'm not the only one'!
What if other mental health sufferers are struggling to recite 'All things bright and beautiful' with a head full of 'All things dark and ugly' !

So my friends - I'm going to (attempt) to write a book.

I'm going to attempt to write a prayer book that might enable other sufferers whose heads are full of 'All things dark and ugly' to open up honestly to God! - To just let go, and 'Pray it how it is'!

Wish me luck! :O)

MENTAL ILLNESS, GOD & me

POSITIVE THOUGHT                                 

He will not let go of me!

PRAYER

LORD, If it’s meant to be written let it be written. In the meantime, I pray that in sharing ‘my story’, I might help other sufferers feel a little less isolated! Amen. 

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

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'Yummy Yum Yum'

My God I needed to write today!

Earlier this afternoon with a head full of 'Yukity Yuk Yuk' I tried desperately to throw some of it your way. Two hours I sat here trying to unravel my muddled mind and absolutely bugger all made it as far as the keyboard!

How does that work exactly?! 

My head is full of blogger fodder, I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore, I'm crying at the drop of a hat and hurting so much I'm surprised my scars aren't visible. 

I'm not sure if I wanna make love to 'The Body Guard' (That's hubby to the newbies) or slap him round the face with a wet haddock. (He probably deserves the wet haddock!) 

I spent fifteen minutes this morning spitting venom at my mirrored self - I really let me have it!
Blimey! - There's a ramble begging to come out! 

Anyway, eventually I gave up trying to make any sense here on the blog and took my sulky self over to Twitter where thanks to a few caring Tweeps (you know who you are) I'd offloaded enough (in blogs of 140 characters or less) to feel more like 'mum' than 'mad woman' before 'Littlie' arrived home from school. 

I decided I'd have another go at offloading 'Yukity Yuk Yuk' after 'Littlie' went to bed and within minutes of her going down I'd made coffee, plonked myself in-front of the laptop aaand - NOTHING! o_O 

I blew raspberries at the laptop, gave up on 'the writing thing' and in search of something (ANYTHING) positive I opened up my picture Library. 

It didn't take me long to find my positive (It's a mum thing!) 

Anyway I found what I needed - felt better - smiled a bit and then I thought of you lot. 

They read my 'Yukity Yuk Yuk' I thought - support me either here on the blog or on Twitter (and come back for more!) - I'm gonna share with them my 'Yummy yum yum'! 

So here it is (By 'Little's' own gorgeous hands) - 'Yummy Yum Yum'. 

EDIBLE GARDEN

  You will need - mud (aka tuna) - Trees (aka Broccoli) - grass (aka cress)
   goldfish (aka peaches) - flowers (aka grapes) - fence panels (aka crackers)

First spoon (Or dollop as 'Littlie' calls it) Tuna (mud) into an oblong container

Place small container (fish pond) in center & fill with peach juice.
Chop a few peaches into tiny pieces (goldfish)
sprinkle in a little cress (pond weed)

Sprinkle cress over tuna (grass) and arrange crackers around the edge of
large container to represent fencing.

Next (beautifully demonstrated by 'Little' here) add broccoli trees

Chuck some fruit here and there to represent flowers and you're done.
Almost!

Finally - Place your 'Littlie' in a chair with his/her masterpiece and toddle off
back to the kitchen to clear up the mess (There's lots of it!)   :O)

POSITIVE THOUGHT 

No matter how bad things get - If you have a 'Littlie' (grown up or otherwise) then you have something good in EVERY day! 

PRAYER 

Thank you God, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for blessing me with lots of 'Littlie's'. Amen. 

Thank you as always my friends for allowing me to share, I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you here to ramble to. 

God bless you and all those you love 

kimmie x

'Mud Mud Glorious Mud'

If you read my last post you could be forgiven for thinking I'm about to throw another pile of my 'muck' your way.

Well in a way I am -  gloriously muddy muck! 

For those of you who are not up to speed on the not so glorious you can catch up here >> Meat & Two Veg (Minus The Meat)

For those who don't have catch up time - In short.... I spent the best part of the summer stuck-in-scared (more so than usual) heartbroken, despairing, crying at the drop of a hat; convinced life as I knew it was over. 

'The body guard' (that's hubby if you're new to my rambles) let me down terribly - broke me (temporarily) - hurt me more than anyone or anything has ever done before! 

To make matters worse he blew my heart apart bang in the middle of the school holidays, and somewhere in the shrapnel (Thankfully blissfully unaware) was my 'Littlie'.

She kept me going (kept us both going) but if I'm honest (which I generally am) I spent the best part of the holiday wishing her back to school. 

Hiding the muck from her was an effort I could have really done without, coping with her 'special needs' meltdowns whilst trying to control my own was at best hard work, and at worst mind blowingly Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh! - Play time was forced (I pray she never noticed) and days out were incredibly difficult, and few and far between. 

Well I did the mum thing (most days) - I cried in private - went bonkers in my own time - painted on my *protect the child* smile - delved into my imagination when required too, and pushed myself to get her out of the house as often as my increased anxiety/vulnerability would allow! 

It was after one really bad...mummy in a low-mood - thundercloud - "I can't carry on" - failing miserably at 'The mum thing' kinda morning,and child in a low mood - kicking things - screaming things - throwing things kinda morning that something just had to be done about getting us all ('The Body Guard' included) out of the 'Muck house' for a while.

Decision made we (disgruntled parents) bundled she (disgruntled child) into her wheelchair, threw a lead on disgruntled dog, grabbed poo bags, juice and snacks, and headed out and off toward the seafront.

Dog morphed from fed up to fruit loop as soon as we hit the street, and child had cheered up considerably by the time we reached the top of our road.

'The Body Guard' was quiet (head full of guilt) and I (though never comfortable outdoors due to agoraphobia) was feeling more vulnerable than usual because of the distance between us.

His admission that my mental health was at least in part the cause of his recent 'muck throwing' has left me feeling I need to hide the 'real me' - even from him!

Where usually I would hold onto him or the wheelchair when we're out, I felt unable to do so, and incredibly self conscious whenever a passing stranger caused me, without thinking, to grab hold of one or the other.
Added to my head hanging was the fact that though we live only 10 minutes from the seafront, in order to find a comfortable spot (people free) it would take us nearer an hour to get were we were going.

I'll leave out the rest of the wibbly walk that got me to 'people free sand' - Relevant but boring.

We stopped (eventually) next to a beach cafe, grabbed coffee, watered dog and plonked 'Littlie' on the sand with her bucket and spade. I lit a cigarette and let out a smokey sigh of relief!

Peace lasted about four puffs, and equal slurps o_O

'Littlie' wanted to paddle... 'Littlie wanted mummy to paddle... mummy wanted to dig a bloody great hole in the sand and bury herself in it!
What mummy actually did was stub out, get up, and paint on her 'Protect the child' smile.

We had a teeny weeny issue with the paddle thing however. The wet stuff was not quite in (about ten yards away) and between it and us was the *How the hell do I get my disabled child through that* stuff!

Anyway, my "How the hell" was responded to with, "I can do it mummy".
Her "I can" was good enough for me (despite my internal "no you can't) so off we stumbled over the sand.

When we first stepped onto the mud it was actually quite firm, she (hanging onto me for dear life) smiled, and bubbled "see mummy, I told you I can do it", I, less confident but incredibly proud smiled back.

Unfortunately, a yard or so further we had no choice but to turn back. Our wobbly had got wobblier, the mud was now incredibly squelchy, and 'Littlie' was really struggling.

She didn't argue - 'eat ya feet gloop' had stolen her confidence, and she wanted out. She wanted out now!
So with her outwardly panicking, and me inwardly panicking, we headed (slowly) back towards the sand.
By this point we were both incredibly stressed, and 'The Body Guard' concerned enough to wonder if he should ask someone to mind the dog, and come and help.

What happened next can only be described as divine intervention!

On our next step 'Eat ya feet gloop' suddenly got greedy, not content with 'Littlie's' foot (and best part of her leg) it thought it would have mine too, and before you could say 'I'm an idiot get me out of here', I was (in my best WHITE dress I should add) on my bum, in the mud, with child sprawled on top of me! o_O

I, (trying so, so hard not to cry) suddenly began to laugh, I mean really laugh, side splitting, hysterical laughter!
Within seconds, my (Trying so so hard not to cry) worn out, filthy child begun to laugh, really laugh... and together, up to our necks in gloriously muddy mud, we laughed the muck away.

Eventually we would be seen crawling back to dry land. Filthy, exhausted child would (with huge relief) be reunited with her wheelchair. Mummy would unashamedly (Thankful for full length dress) remove her wet, gritty draws, to avoid chaffing on the way home, and Daddy (amused by this) would smile for the first time in days.

The 'muck' would be still be there when we got home, but for that one moment in time, 'bums in gloop',  laughing till it hurt...my child and I were free!


POSITIVE THOUGHT
Mud, Mud, glorious Mud!

PRAYER
Lord, Thank you, for plonking me and my 'Littlie' in 'glorious'... setting us free for a while, and reminding me how blessed I am. Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Meat & Two Veg (Minus The Meat)

In my last post I mentioned that I have a ‘big issue’ in my life at the moment.  I also said I was writing about said issue and would be throwing it your way when I was done.

Well it turns out I’m not able to do that right now.  I’m still slap bang in the middle of it, struggling to get my head around it and I have no idea how the stories going to end!

Having said that I am finding that holding back completely on sharing ‘big issue’ is causing a writing block.  I can’t write honestly about anything if I’m not honest about everything (if that makes any sense)

There’s an Elephant in the room (so to speak) whenever I attempt to write!  

I’m hoping (fingers crossed) this little ramble will get ‘Stuck - In - Scared’ unstuck!

Okay here goes........  Just the ‘two veg’ for now I’m afraid - I’ll bring you the meat when it’s done!

‘The body Guard’ - That man I’m forever boasting about, ‘that he above all others’ who I’m forever thanking God for.  

My wonderful – caring  – loves the bones of me – would never hurt me – “I love you so much my beautiful baby” – gentle – amazing hubby, has gone and broken my heart!

He’s ashamed, incredibly sorry and doing his best to mend said heart.

I’m heartbroken, incredibly insecure and doing my best to ensure the meat (which is currently far too raw for my liking) is falling off the bone by the time it reaches you lot.

He says that blinded by my mental illness (which in fairness has been greatly exacerbated this past two years) he lost sight of ‘me’ - he’s sorry - he loves me - he’ll never hurt me again.

Iv'e never been more sure of anyone one or anything as (up until six weeks ago) I was of him!
And now? - Never before have I felt more unsure of 'everything' as I do right now!

I trusted him completely - I want more than anything to trust him again but I'm not there yet.  

However I am in love with this *turns out he’s just a man* man of MINE! - not for one single moment have I EVER doubted that.

I’m not giving up without a fight!  

POSITIVE THOUGHT

PRAYER

Thank you Lord for - giving me the words Iv'e needed to say, the strength to face the unthinkable and for my ‘bounce back ability’ Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x  

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