Sue campaigns for better services for people with BPD (BorderLine Personality Disorder) - She is a Governor at Sheffield Health and Social Trust runs and also trains CMHT staff in BPD awareness.
You can join Sue on Sunday evenings at 9pm for chats by following #BPDchat on Twitter
Sue has agreed to be my guest this evening (Thanks Sue) I feel many of you will relate to what she has to say.
It is with great pleasure that I now hand you over to 'Sue'.
TWITTER JUST
Abandonment rejection, I don’t do endings, endings do
me. My Achilles heal, my dark dark cave, my shame, my place where I hurt so much I
can’t move.
Imagine the shame of being so attached to someone that when they
leave its catastrophic, imagine you know the people who care for you know
that. Imagine my shame, imagine my shame. Slow down, I slow down, I cry I cry,
my pain is like a fire burning me - memories - my past - my being left. I want
you to stay, don’t leave me, don’t leave me.
You overdosing, I see you from the
stairs, I’m so small and I remember, away you go, *again* and I can’t be with you,
I’m frightened, I’m so scared of you, but don’t leave me, don’t go. Don’t go!
My mum - no support - schizophrenic.
The diagnostic manual DSM IV that gives us our
label states the following as one of the five of the nine criteria needed for a
diagnosis of BPD > Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined
abandonment.
Oh I imagine abandonment everywhere!
Attachment theory says failure to form secure
attachments early in life can have a negative impact on behaviour in later
childhood and throughout life ~ 'Bowlby 1969 and Ainsworth 1978' .
Trauma early in
life causes disorganized attachments - I don’t know if it’s safe to be with you
or should I run away - I so want to be friends with you - I don’t want to be
alone but watch out I don’t trust you - you’ll hurt (me run away, run away) Accept and reject, I hate you don’t leave me. Push and pull. I STAND ALONE and
I cry. Friends are so hard.
(Bio/Social theory says we are born emotional
into an invalidating environment which causes difficulties in managing our
emotions)
It means I don’t do endings, I see people rejecting me and abandoning me, everyday, in every small way.
It means I don’t do endings, I see people rejecting me and abandoning me, everyday, in every small way.
A text not
returned - ignored on Twitter - people being late - feeling left out and I talk
to myself all day, an internal conversation, "it’s not real" - "the traffic is bad" - "they’re busy" but still I bite my lip, I dig my nails into my hand, I can’t cry
in front of you, oh the shame!
I should be strong, big girls don’t cry. DON’T
CRY! And I cry inside and I cry like now.
I’ve started to log my feelings of abandonment
and rejection. I’ve started to understand my triggers and although I still feel the
pain I’m learning to manage my behaviours. I talk to me, I’m learning to self
sooth be kind to me, understand me. I see endings as beginnings. Although it
hurts and I feel.
Just don’t leave me.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Thank you my friends as always for allowing me to share, please do look Sue up via one of the above links, I'm sure she'd love to connect with you.
God bless you and all those you love
Kimmie X
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