If we were having coffee, I'd be playing 'hide n chat' this week... blabbing (nervously) about your drink preference, how your weeks been, how long the kettle's taking to boil... windmills - I like windmills I do, lets talk about windmills, do you like windmills, come see my windmills.
Every silence would get a babble, an anxious, smiley, bubbly babble... and I'd be wishing you'd talk about you.
I'd drag you outside to see ALL the windmills, babbling the old, the sentimental, and the new... you'd be wishing by now you'd gone to star bucks...alone!
I wouldn't tell you how many times 'Littlie' has morphed from 'absolute Joy' into 'absolute nightmare', on a day to day (often hour to hour) basis, and how mind blowingly difficult it's been not reacting to her meltdowns with a few (there's only so much I can take) meltdowns of my own... how tough it's been keeping the 'me' that's not 'Mummy' in check.
Littlie has more than enough to deal with, none of it her fault, the last thing she needs, is the me that's not 'Mummy'... especially in response to the 'She' she can't help.
{Littlie (you may already know) is 9 years old, and was born with a chromosome disorder (Prader Willi Syndrome), which affects her both physically and mentally. She has global developmental delay, hypermobility, OCD, and Tourettes (amongst other issues) ...I won't bore you the symptoms, the list is seemingly endless.}
If we were having coffee, I might explain her disability (if you asked), I'd even touch on how challenged/challenging she can be... but mostly, I'd tell you how funny she can be, how engaging, and affectionate she can be, what a wonderful character she is...how far she's come, how hard she tries... and how much I love her!
I couldn't love her more if I tried!
If we were having coffee, I wouldn't tell you how debilitating my own disabilities (fibromyalgia & mental illness, exacerbated by grief) have been this week... how hard it's been to think positive, speak positive, do positive...because no one likes negative, right?
I wouldn't tell you how confusing it is, to be Mum, to be wife, to be friend; just to be... in a world that chugs on...so quickly, pulling me (inwardly screaming) along with it.
If we were having coffee, I wouldn't ask you for a hug, despite needing one, desperately... because, in a hug I'd blub, lose control, spill 'ALL the things', scary things, big things; too big to blab things... I can't do that, no, I can't do that.
I prefer hugging to hugged.
If you needed a hug - if you were upset?... Oh, I could do that, yes, I could do that... I can always do that.
****
...because, it's easier (and fairer) to share 'absolute joy' than it is to share 'absolute nightmare' - easier to play 'hide n chat' than it is to play 'chat the crap' - safer to talk windmills than it is to talk woes!
Oh, and because I'd quite like you to come again... :)
If we were having coffee, I'd ask how you were, and wonder, does your "I'm okay" mimic mine!
Do you play the game too? are you playing it now? Filling silence with babble... sunshiny, smiley, bubbly babble... wishing I'd talk about me.
****
Thank you for allowing me to share
God bless you and all those you love
Kimmie x
P.S... Littlie is currently presenting (at time of kettle boiling)... as 'absolute joy'... long may it last :)
P.P.S... I'm adding this post to the Weekend Coffee Share, linky/bloghop... the brain child of 'Part Time Monster'. You can read other Coffee Shares, and/or add your own ((HERE))
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Related posts...
I will take you to Starbucks
ReplyDeleteAw...You might regret it... If it was you I was having coffee with...I'd probably blab ALL the things :)
DeleteXxxx
I need a hug. (I may be lying just so I can hug you) <3
ReplyDeletelol, Sneaky ;)
DeleteBless your heart... Thank you.x
Hugs all the way around, Kimmie.
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling more up to things soon. I imagine it is both difficult and rewarding to parent a child with Prader Willi---but then, in some ways I suppose that describes parenting in general. :)
Thanks Diana, kind thoughts... yes, it is rewarding, the rewards far outweigh the yukkity yuk yuk :) ... and yes, I agree, there are moments, weeks even were general parenting can feel the same.
DeleteThank you for stopping by, and taking the time to comment x
When life bugs resort to hugs - A hug will chug along with you
ReplyDeleteThanks Ropey... great quote, you should add it to an image for sharing... or perhaps i will (and credit you) :)
DeleteI hope all's well with you ATM x
I think we all hide out and talk joy at times when we aren't feeling it. I know I do, at least some times. You also need a place to talk about your reality and frustrations. If this is the place you choose, the go for it. We'll listen while we enjoy our coffee. We'll even be there with a (virtual) hug and maybe even some advice. We'll still come to coffee with you and invite you to our coffees, too. We're good that way!
ReplyDeleteThank you, such a thoughtful comment! Yes, this is the place that works for me... writing is cathartic, bloggers a life saver :)
DeleteI hope all is well with you and yours x
You need lots of hugs Lizzi...yes hun, I know you do... I can see beneath your sunshiny, smiley, bubbly babble... I can do you hugs... I can do that :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you'v had a bad week bean, thank you for taking time out of your suckyness to care about mine!
Always hear if you need an ear x
I would absolutely, positively adore sitting down to coffee with you :)
ReplyDeleteAw, Chrystal, how lovely of you, Thank you ... and I you :)
DeleteLet's have coffee, yes? And let's hug lots and laugh and smile and maybe shed a tear or two and still keep it real as we share heart to heart. I'd love to be there for you in the grey murky days as well as celebrating the sunnier ones. You need people you can be yourself with. I hope you can find them in real life and on-line. We love you for who you are, windmills, warts, woes and all. Xox <3
ReplyDeleteYes!, one day, Joy...God willing, we'll heart to heart, face to face... in the mean time, THANK YOU... for allowing me to be myself here :)
DeleteI hope all is as well as can be with you (and yours) ATM... much love,
Kimmie x
Ah bless you, you have a lot of difficulties to deal with, especially grief. I have avoided, on many occasions, to go for coffee with a friend because I felt the last time I chatted the crap too much and felt I sounded depressing. What I need to learn is that the fact that I am invited for coffee again must mean that they want to see me again... :-) But, I also often hide and chat too xxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteYes Amanda, I worry about dragging others down too, and sometimes, it just feels too 'BIG' to allow out, it feels safer inside, controlled, you know.
DeleteI hope you get some positive results yourself this week... find a suitable setting for your mum. x
If I were having coffee with you I'd want to know how your were really feeling. I'd want to make that connection and be there to listen, and give that hug, just like I listened as I read your post. It is sometimes easier to smile and say, "I'm okay" than let the truth be told. We fear falling apart, not being able to hold it all together, being judged and then excluded. But we who feel, feel the same and welcome the knowledge of the connections we make, knowing we are not alone. Look after yourself. Be kind to you. Thank you for sharing your feelings and pain. Sending you smiles and hugs, but not expecting a smile in return.
ReplyDeleteThank you Norah, I believe you would want to know... actually I imagine most people I'm likely to share coffee with would say the same... but, I do find it hard to open up face to face...
DeleteI think you hit the nail on the head in your comment... "We fear falling apart, not being able to hold it all together, being judged and then excluded. "
Thanks so much for stopping by, and for leaving such a thoughtful comment. Sending hugs to you too, and a smile, I can do a smile today :)
All the best to you and yours, Kimmie x
I wish we WERE having coffee (I'm now sipping it on my own and it's pretty lonely...) and I hope this week is unfolding a little easier. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, I'm struggling a bit today, but (so far) this week has been easier than last.
DeleteI wish I could join you for coffee, I know what it feels to be lonely, and I'd like to ease that for you.
You can always message me here, or on Twitter @stuckinscared if you need a chat x
wonderfully honest writing as always :-)
ReplyDelete