If I could live one day again... it would be the last day I saw my Dad.
My Dad lived a long way away from me, and, as mentioned in previous posts, mental illness/fear prevents me from travelling. In February of last year (3 months before he died) my Dad; my always-there-and-if-he-wasn't-there-he-was-getting-there, Dad, came to me. Riddled with Cancer, barely able to stand, and in unimaginable pain, he came to me. He came to say goodbye.
We hugged lots, loved lots, talked as much as he could manage... goodbyes were left unspoken, neither of us able to say the words.
When he left, knowing how hard the moment was for him, I hugged him brave... like a grown up. The child inside was bawling, I didn't let her out.
He released my hold on him, kissed my head, and said "keep smiling babe.", then he turned and walked down the garden path.
When he reached the gate he turned and looked straight at me, he held my gaze for only a moment before turning away again. In that moment I read my life time in his eyes... and I read his breaking heart, his I love you... his goodbye.
I didn't want to be brave anymore. I wanted to run down the path with the child's tears pouring down my face, throw myself into his arms, beg him to stay.
I stayed dry-eye-brave in the doorway until he'd disappeared through the gate. Then went into the toilet, stamped my feet like a child, and cried.
If I could live that day again... I'd run down the path!
***
Thank you for allowing me to share
God bless you and all those you love
Kimmie x
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A heartwarming read, many thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteOh I feel how you feel. My Dad was my safe place too and after 17 years of him being gone, I still miss him. I know, however, he has left my heart and memory with his strength and goodness. It is from there that I pull his love in order for me to have strength. Look and you will find it too. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lori. Comforting thoughts. I'm sorry for your loss too, I can't imagine ever getting over the pain of losing Dad, learning to live with it. Yes... but it's not something I'll ever be done with. I imagine it's the same for you. 17 years, or (as in my case) less than a year...it's such a huge loss, and I'm sorry for yours.
DeleteThanks so much for taking the time to read/comment. Kimmie x
That is so very beautiful and deeply personal. My father was not my safe place when he was alive but now that he is gone, he is, if that makes any sense. I know you miss yours as much as I miss mine.
ReplyDeleteCarol
Hi, Carol. Yes. I think it makes sense. I'm sorry for your own loss.
DeleteThank you for stopping by x
Lovely share..moving and beautifully heart-touching. thank you....
ReplyDeleteThank you , Carol. x
DeleteThis should come with a tissue warning . . . it was beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteAw, bless you, Crystal. Thank you.
DeleteTender and heartbreaking, Kimmie. Thank you. Yes to a tissue warning. I look forward to sharing this on my FB author page tomorrow where I share articles about grief, among other things.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elaine. For taking the time to read/connect, and for your empathy. It's kind of you to share. Thank you! I'll check out your author page...perhaps I'll find something that helps me.
DeleteI love this for so many reasons... You capture perfectly the beautiful father-daughter bond & love that never dies, and yet so hard to say goodbye. Hugs. Xx
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jackie. Yes, so hard, and in the end I was left without closure. Because I couldn't get to him. Wasn't with him when he passed. Never said the things I wanted to say because I didn't want to burden him with my grief. Never made it to his funeral. ... Never ran down the path!
DeleteKimmie, I read this in the middle of the night and it pulled my hazy brain straight into the clarity. It's so personable and relatable what you write here. What a strong wonderful man and how alike you sound. I wish we didn't have to part with our loved ones. Sending you love
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nillu, for your lovely thoughts. He was strong, and he was a wonderful man... a wonderful Dad. The best!
DeleteThat image...with the one extra letter... is devastatingly eloquent, my dear.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Paula.
DeleteI have about a thousand "run back down the path" moments that I would like to relive with both of my parents who died of cancer. I understand what you are going through. Although I am sorry for you, it is nice to know that others can relate to my feelings. Thank you for sharing this post.
ReplyDelete"Although I am sorry for you, it is nice to know that others can relate to my feelings." Thank you... That is exactly how your comment made me feel. I'm so sorry for your own loss. Take care, Kimmie x
DeleteYou describe those special moments with love and care.
ReplyDelete