'A little piece of happy by my side'

On waking to sunshine one day in August 2012 (sun being almost non existent for the best part of 2012!) ‘The Bodyguard’ and I decided to take 'Littlie' for a picnic in the park.

Littlie’s disability would prevent her from walking the half hour journey, so in order to give her a break from her wheelchair we decided to stop on the way at a peaceful public garden which is set in a beautiful valley only moments from a busy main road.

A magical place. An enchanted garden! The perfect place for one of ‘mummies’ fairytales.

Before long ‘Littlie’ found herself chatting with squirrels (seemingly unaware that my lips moved each time they spoke)  ‘trip trapping’ over a little bridge to get to the green grass on the other side, thrilled at the thought of the ‘ugly troll’ who might jump up from under at any moment. Dancing (to the best of her ability) with fairies, playing with elves and running away (fast walking would be more accurate) from an ogre who turned out to be friendly and was therefore understandably a little put out by our reaction to him.

Stay with me friends there is a point to this story.

While wandering that day through the magical land that I had created for ’Littlie’ my own thoughts were far from enchanting. As I led her further into the light overwhelming intrusive thoughts had me stumbling through blackness doing my damnedest to stay with her!

I talked the talk that ’littlie’ needed to hear, and walked the walk that would carry her further along an imaginary path.  She joyfully wandered further into the beautiful, bright world that I (despite my muddled mind) had created for her, I walked beside her in darkness.

As I encouraged her to join me in ‘trip trapping’ over a little concrete bridge treading carefully so as not to wake the wicked troll. As my lips spoke of fairies and elves, friendly ogres and squirrels who talk I found myself sinking further into the murky depths of my mind.

My false smile and animated tone set my daughter’s world alight, lifting her mood and drawing her mind away from her physical limitations but my own mood in contrast was one of overwhelming despair. Appalling images crowded my mind threatening to block the next phase of ’Littlie’s’ fairytale adventure.

I felt almost as if there were a visible line drawn between us and though we were linked across the divide by our hold on each other we might well have been a million miles apart. She walked along beside me under the warmth of the sun with fairies dancing at her feet and I stumbled along beside her in the dark terrified of what would jump out at me next! 

For a while her voice seemed far away and the image of her distorted until eager for a new scene she excitedly raised her voice drawing me back towards her sunshiny world.
Grateful for the distraction I squeezed her little hand and pointed her toward the muddy slope that would take us to the giant’s castle. 

I wondered as she looked up at me in complete awe with wide smile and twinkling eyes if she had noticed the torment behind my smile. She hadn't - there was no sign of sadness or concern in her expression - she was just a happy little girl eagerly anticipating the next stage of the imaginary journey her mummy had invented for her.

As for me, in that moment looking down into the face of the sun I was able to step over the divide and back into the light.

I silently thanked GOD for this 'little piece of happy' by my side!

POSITIVE THOUGHT
My kids are amazing! They keep me walking with one step in the ’light’ direction.  

PRAYER
LORD, thank you for my children. They are my sunshiny. Amen.

Thanks for allowing me to share my ramblings.

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie  x                                                  Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved

'Throw A Little Sunshine Our Way'

I wrote this during the (incredibly wet) summer of 2012.

Dear Mr Weather man,

We are now well into the middle of July 2012’ and yet to see any sign of summer!

It occurred to me during my comings and goings today, umbrella clutched like a security blanket in one hand - the other holding a huge cardigan around my middle to keep the (autumn) wind out,, that perhaps 'Mr Weather man' you're attempting to empathize with the great British public this year. Aware of the general doom and gloom overshadowing the country,  the economy showing no sign of recovery any time soon, and the majority of families on their knees in the midst of it all, how can you possibly allow the sun to shine?!
I can see how you might feel that would be little insensitive. 

Of course, I do see where you’re coming from; after all.. do we not do just the same when people we know are going through tough times? - If a best friend tells us they've been made redundant, lost a love one or stepped in a big pile of dog poo, we don’t laugh do we? Our faces don’t light up on hearing their news. (Okay, we might laugh at the *dog poo* story, we're only human!).

Generally though.. when faced with other peoples sorrow our faces reflect their pain, we empathize.
Our eyes might glisten with empathy, perhaps threatening to rain any minute, our expressions cloud over, sometimes slightly overcast with the possibility of a little sun breaking through, and sometimes, when faced with really devastating news.. clouding over with incredible darkness, a heavy down pour almost certainly guaranteed.
It rather depends on how bad the news is. 

Back to you Mr Weather man, maybe throwing in an extra autumn this year is your way of saying 'I feel your pain'.  Well, whilst I do appreciate your concern, and indeed your empathy for my own situation.. and for the trials and tribulations of millions of others during the current economic climate, I think you've got it wrong! A bit of sunny in the face of despair is usually just what the doctor ordered.

On that note Mr Weather man - Thank you very much for your concern - but actually you're not helping, you're making matters worse.
We would appreciate it if you could stop buggering about with the seasons.. and throw a little sunshine our way.
Actually, scrap that last bit, at this point a little sun will not do, make that a lot, you owe us!


P.S If your empathetic feeling for the majority of Britain is not that easily reigned in, please feel free to go and rain on the bloody government and all of the unsympathetic loonies who support them!

Yours Sincerely

Me, everyone I know, and quite possibly everyone they know too.


Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                            Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved

OCD... A STRANGER WITHIN.

I avoid talking to strangers. I'm never comfortable in unfamiliar company. Wary of half the world; it seems.

There is one stranger who just won’t let me be; one who I am especially afraid of! This particular stranger has shadowed me for as long as I can remember, yet she remains to this day a stranger to me.

She says that someone will hurt me or mine; puts bad-guys in crowds, bombs on trains... knives in many pockets. 

She's taunts me with death; My death. And has done since I was a child. I can't remember a day-night that didn't have death-dead-dying in it!

She tells me I'm capable of terrible things; I pray to GOD I’m not.

She hints that I have hurt people in the past;  I have no memory of doing so.

She imagines that I will hurt someone in the future; I find this inconceivable. 

She suggests that I am capable of hurting my children; I would rather DIE!

***

The stranger has suggested to me, on more than one occasion, that whilst I’m brushing my daughter’s hair I will become a monster mum. You know. One of THOSE MOTHERS! 

A mother who lost in the depths of mental illness, perhaps a product of an abusive or disruptive childhood herself, screams and shouts, and in moments of blind rage lashes out; hurting her child, mentally and physically. Instilling fear and distrust into childhood years, and causing irreversible damage. A mother who (without meaning to) takes her desperation and inability to cope out on her child. A mother I have first hand experience of!  

The stranger I speak of is extremely well informed, after a life time of shadowing me she has acquired a great deal of knowledge into my inner fears and vulnerabilities.  She has long since mastered the art of intrusion, she is a gifted impersonator, a powerful oppressor, a terrifying intimidating presence; hard to ignore, and exhausting to challenge! She is a creative script writer, inspired and empowered by my reactions to her demented story lines.

The virtual realities she creates for my eyes only, appal and frighten me. Locked deep inside my own skin, frozen in front of a built in screen, I am forced to watch as the graphic day mare unfolds! My mind violated by the context of each scene, afraid and oppressed in the strangers company, I pray urgently to GOD that I be released from her grasp,

I see the brush slam down onto the back of my beloved child's head. I hear her desperate screams as the brush comes crashing down again and again! I see myself standing over her, a stranger masking my face; the mask vaguely familiar and yet at the same time completely unrecognizable. I see my child confused, hysterical and consumed with fear beneath me.  I repel with every fiber of my being against the illusory images; my heart breaks!

An inner coldness crawls slowly down each side of my face; a strange trickling sensation. Making its way down my neck, through my shoulders and into my arms. A prickly numbness dulls sensation in my lips and fingers, until struggling to maintain a normal breathing pattern I experience a heavy, unnerving pain across my chest into my shoulder and down into my left arm.

Preoccupied by my inner turmoil and carrying out secret compulsions I continue to brush my precious girl’s hair, by my trembling hand her favourite hairbrush glides slowly through her long, wavy mane; with careful, gentle strokes. I lovingly tease the knots from this wonderful crowning glory, then after nervously guiding a comb through the hair on the back of her head to form a parting, my tingling fingers twist and turn through shiny strands to form two perfect, pretty braids.

I am consumed with emotion, filled with a powerful feeling of fierce protectiveness. I experience feelings of overwhelming hate and anger directed at the monster that dares to suggest that I would allow any child, let alone one of my own, endure such anguish.  I will punish the monster later when I get her on her own! 

Through all of this; through the reality and the virtual I have described, I count. Urgently I count! Mentally drained, tears frozen solid in my throat, no longer able to suppress facial and body tics, still gently tending my beautiful child and somehow responding periodically through the haze to her eager chattering; I count!

Four-eight-twelve-sixteen, on and on, the more horrifying the images, the more complex my count. Until finally, hoping that outwardly I appear relatively normal, I am able to close my mind to the horror.

Until the next time!

PRAYER  

Lord help me to trust; that intrusive thoughts (no matter how appalling) are a symptom of OCD and not a reflection of who I am. Amen.

POSITIVE THOUGHT                                                                      

My kids are happy, I must be doing something right. I will always be 'Mum'; which makes every day worth fighting for!

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                          Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved

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About Me... (me, myself, and mental illness)

This blog tells my story. I write under an adaption of my first name... my preferred name, ‘Kimmie’, a pet name given to me by my Nan years ago.

My scribbles include my experience of mental illness and gambling addiction. My fear and isolation as a child! My relationship with GOD, with my children and with my mother. Good and bad days past and present, life in general, and occasionally a little of my nonsense! 

Where ever my muddled mind takes me! It’s all relevant, Its all me.

I’m not a perfect wife, or a perfect mum, but I do always try my best. So okay, on a bad day my best might only be responding with a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes when I’m spoken to - but on a good day, I’m a great cook (that’s hubby covered) and as I have the ability to get right down on a child's level, and I mean right down; like 50-going-on-five down, I make a great playmate (that’s the kids covered, even the grown up ones)

I’m a God botherer! (No offence to God or man intended when I say that, what I mean is, I really do take up an awful lot of the LORDS time with my ramblings.)  

I love GOD, I really do; but disturbing, often vile intrusive thoughts (a symptom of O.C.D) can make my relationship with GOD extremely difficult!

***

I am a compulsive gambler (in recovery) much more on that later, but for now in brief….

Thunder crashing in my head

It’s three am, I should be in bed

And the wheels keep on turning.

I can’t walk away, I just can’t stop,

I try to disguise the ‘need the loo bop’

And the wheels keep on turning

Sandwich to the left of me, dry, untouched!

No time to eat and I’ve drank too much

And the wheels keep on turning

Fourteen, twenty on the nose,

Despair, elation, such highs, such lows

And the wheels keep on turning

4.00am on the loo, had no choice

Praying out loud, Is that really my voice

And the wheels keep on turning!

I’ve tried hard to stop, I’ve really tried

So sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!

And the wheels keep on turning

Can’t stop if I’m losing, can’t stop if I’m winning.

Just can’t stop!!!!

And the wheels keep on turning!

***

I am both full time carer, and full time dependent. In short I care for my disabled daughter with hubby’s help, and hubby cares for us both, with no help!

I have lived with mental illness for as long as I can remember, hospitalised twice in early adulthood with severe depression, and more recently diagnosed with O.C.D (obsessive compulsive disorder) which makes me feel a bit like this  'STUCK - IN - SCARED'.  Much more on that later!

I also have a diagnosis of G.A.D (generalised anxiety disorder) which causes me, at some point everyday, even the good days; varied levels of anxiety, and exacerbates facial and body tics, which vary in severity from mild to severe.

AGORAPHOBIA… which makes me feel a bit like this

PARANOIA which is probably related to OCD, although I’m not a doctor so I could be wrong about that. I do know that in my case paranoia affects my ability to trust anyone completely, even my husband who I love with all my heart. More on that later I think, it’s not easy to explain in short.

And last, but by no means least (for the past three years or so) an eating disorder - probably the most terrifying symptom of mental illness Iv'e experienced yet, and the one I find the most difficult to write about.

***

I have five children, including one with complex special needs. They are all amazing, I love them so much and can't wait to share them with you.

***

I am a writer - I've always jotted a bit, and began writing on a more regular basis after my occupational therapist suggested that it might bring me some relief to do so, especially as medication for OCD and related anxiety is not an option for me (overwhelming fear prevents me from taking it) and previous attempts to engage with CBT therapy and psychotherapy have failed, although it has been pointed out to me that both of these therapies are usually more effective alongside medication. (Catch 22!)

My Occupational therapist was right; writing does offer some relief from anxiety but much more than that, it empowers me, gives me a focus, an opportunity to confront and share my fears, and fills me with a sense of achievement.

Maybe one day I’ll write that book Iv'e been harking on about for years, Maybe I‘ll never get around to it! Maybe, Maybe, Maybe, Maybe! (Sorry about all the maybe’s one wouldn't have made my point, and two or three would't have been four!) now I need one more because I see a total of seven in this paragraph, so here it is - maybe all that really matters right now is that I’m writing, and it feels great!

***

I am Me - I'm loving, kind, empathetic. Compassionate, generous, passionate. Creative. 

I have a fabulous imagination, a child-like way about me (not always a good thing), a wicked sense of humour, and a heart for the hurting.

I like Christmas, a lottle (that's like a little but a lot). I'm obsessed with Betty Boop; there may be more Boops in my house than there are in the Boop-Shop.

I love: the sound and smell of the rain, the sun on my face, sand between my toes. Sausage meat between my fingers (that's not as mad as it sounds). Paddling. Puddle jumping. Mud between my toes. Being with my kids. Cappuccino!

I hate: Cruelty. The current UK Government. War. Greed. Fish (unless it's cod...cod's okay). Oh, and the wind; I HATE the wind, it's so... so irritatingly-windy!

***

PRAYER

Lord, I pray that by my telling-it-how-it-is I might help myself and other mental health sufferers feel less isolated, and at the same time help mental health professionals and society in general gain better understanding of what it feels like to live with mental illness. Amen.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

YAH! After days of obsessing, counting, checking, and constant rewriting I’ve finally completed this blog! I feel a WHOOP coming on!

                                                                       

If you have made it this far down what can only be described as an extremely long 'me me me' post, thank you for sticking around.

It helps me to share, I hope that somewhere in my ramblings you find something that helps you.

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie  x                                        contact details….stuckinscared@yahoo.co.uk

I'll leave you with this random cloud, because it's a fabulous cloud, because I've always loved cloud gazing (though this one looks like it needs bouncing on, rather than looking at) and because I took the shot myself, and I'm rather proud of it :o) x

Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved 
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