Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: May 2013

Monday, 27 May 2013

'Twitter just' Guest Post

The following post was written by a twitter friend of mine >>   @BPDFFS 

Sue campaigns for better services for people with BPD (BorderLine Personality Disorder) - She is a Governor at Sheffield Health and Social Trust runs and also trains CMHT staff in BPD awareness.
You can join Sue on Sunday evenings at 9pm for chats by following #BPDchat on Twitter

Sue has agreed to be my guest this evening (Thanks Sue) I feel many of you will relate to what she has to say.

It is with great pleasure that I now hand you over to 'Sue'. 


Abandonment rejection, I don’t do endings, endings do me. My Achilles heal, my dark dark cave, my shame, my place where I hurt so much I can’t move. 

Imagine the shame of being so attached to someone that when they leave its catastrophic, imagine you know the people who care for you know that. Imagine my shame, imagine my shame. Slow down, I slow down, I cry I cry, my pain is like a fire burning me - memories - my past  - my being left. I want you to stay, don’t leave me, don’t leave me. 
You overdosing, I see you from the stairs, I’m so small and I remember, away you go, *again* and I can’t be with you, I’m frightened, I’m so scared of you, but don’t leave me, don’t go. Don’t go! 
My mum - no support - schizophrenic.

The diagnostic manual DSM IV that gives us our label states the following as one of the five of the nine criteria needed for a diagnosis of BPD > Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Oh I imagine abandonment everywhere!

Attachment theory says failure to form secure attachments early in life can have a negative impact on behaviour in later childhood and throughout life ~ 'Bowlby 1969 and Ainsworth 1978' . 
Trauma early in life causes disorganized attachments - I don’t know if it’s safe to be with you or should I run away - I so want to be friends with you - I don’t want to be alone but watch out I don’t trust you - you’ll hurt (me run away, run away) Accept and reject, I hate you don’t leave me. Push and pull. I STAND ALONE and I cry. Friends are so hard.

(Bio/Social theory says we are born emotional into an invalidating environment which causes difficulties in managing our emotions)
It means I don’t do endings, I see people rejecting me and abandoning me, everyday, in every small way. 
A text not returned - ignored on Twitter - people being late - feeling left out and I talk to myself all day, an internal conversation, "it’s not real" - "the traffic is bad" - "they’re busy" but still I bite my lip, I dig my nails into my hand, I can’t cry in front of you, oh the shame! 
I should be strong, big girls don’t cry. DON’T CRY! And I cry inside and I cry like now.

I’ve started to log my feelings of abandonment and rejection. I’ve started to understand my triggers and although I still feel the pain I’m learning to manage my behaviours. I talk to me, I’m learning to self sooth be kind to me, understand me. I see endings as beginnings. Although it hurts and I feel.

Just don’t leave me. 


Thank you my friends as always for allowing me to share, please do look Sue up via one of the above links, I'm sure she'd love to connect with you. 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie X

Before you go can I ask you please to take a look at the WOW petition below? Please sign to help WOW fight Government cuts to Disability services and benefits! Thank you x

Please join  and the WOW campaign in resisting the deaths and unnecessary suffering being caused: Sign the
For more information you can click on one of the links below:
Facebook WOWpetition 

The WOW Petition Forum


Wednesday, 8 May 2013

A Fine Line...!

Writing about my life with mental illness really helps me, it’s cathartic to write my thoughts down.

I made the decision to share my muddled mind through this blog because (though I’m far from recovery and therefore not really qualified to advise) I felt that sharing my experiences might help other sufferers feel less isolated.
I hope that by my telling it how it is someone somewhere will find some relief in reading. 

Having said that I do worry (a lot!) that being too honest about some of my mental health symptoms may do more harm than good and it’s for that reason I’m going to suggest that if you're feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment you don’t read any further into this post…. 
"There's a Fine Line between incredible strength and Can't Take Anymore." quote via @stuckinscared | Mental Health | Mental Illness.
In recent months I’ve had various conversations with friends (some via twitter, one face to face) who have recently self - harmed or are struggling with thoughts or urges relating to self - harm.
One lady (heartbreakingly) confided that she is mentally making plans to re home her pets because she feels suicidal and is concerned that she might act on these feelings leaving her pets uncared for.  

Some of the people I spoke to have complex mental health issues (some have physical disabilities too) and they all told me that their self- harm and/or suicidal thoughts are related to fear of their current or anticipated WCA (Work capability assessment).

Of course I know from personal experience that paranoid fear, irrational thoughts and an inability to cope with change often go hand in hand with mental illness, however, given the treatment that so many have endured at these DWP assessments interrogations it’s hardly surprising that so many sick & disabled people feel incredibly anxious at the moment.

People are desperately afraid - overwhelmed with fear - deeply affected by right wing ‘scrounger’ propaganda and very concerned about their future. 
They’re terrified by even the idea of having to expose themselves (face to face) at a ten minute (tick box) assessment (to a complete stranger) who is unlikely to be qualified to assess mental illness and even less likely to empathise. They are also despairingly aware that even if they are lucky enough to qualify for benefit it won't be long before the process begins again!  

Many are self - harming some feel suicide may be a better option than continuing to battle both debilitating mental illness and the ‘powers that be’.
Many are far sicker now (under a system that in many cases claims they are fit for work) than they were under the previous system which recognised that they were NOT fit for work and supported them accordingly.

Am I afraid? Yes I’m afraid, Very afraid. 

Has my own tendency to self - harm increased as a direct result of the coalition’s attitude towards disabled people?
Yes!  Though I’m ashamed to admit it my own self harming behaviour has increased both in severity and frequency.

Do I want to continue living with this daily, nightly overwhelming, debilitating fear? 
NO! Oh God no, it’s too much, too much….!  
I can’t see an end to it and my own symptoms have been greatly exacerbated.

Do I feel suicidal? - Do I wish I were dead?
Those of you who know me either through contact or through my writing will already know the answer to this question! You’ll know that I am and always have been terrified of death. You will have read here >> Scared to shut my eyes! about my overwhelming fear of death as a child, you’ll know how terrifying my intrusive thoughts are and how often they relate to fear of death.

NO - I don’t feel suicidal, I have NEVER felt suicidal no matter how much life, other people (or my own mind) has thrown at me. - No - I don't wish I were dead.

I  don’t now and I didn’t in 1986 when life, other people (and my own mind) caused me to suffer a complete mental breakdown and I attempted to take my own life.

I don’t remember how I got to my bedroom that evening with a full bottle of ‘paracetamol’ and a pint glass of water. I don’t remember planning or contemplating suicide or for one single moment wishing I was dead.
I don’t remember thinking about my 8 month old baby or wondering how he would cope without me.
I don’t remember feeling suicidal, I don’t remember wanting to die.

I DO vaguely remember taking the pills.
There was no lining up of tablets like you see on TV, no thoughts, no fear, no emotion, no tears, there was *nothingness*.
I tipped the pills from bottle to mouth (how I swallowed so many at once is beyond me) and washed each mouthful down with water until there were no more pills to take.

There are some blurry (vague) memories after that, my first husband slapping me very hard (this confused me) – baby crying - arriving at hospital in an ambulance – a black tarry substance  - gagging on a tube - a drip – a white ceiling through a strange tunnel vision, then blank again.  Days of nothing, no thoughts, no emotion – *nothingness*….!

I have never ‘contemplated’ suicide BUT in ‘1986’ (20  years old without so much as a passing thought for the first of my five children) I very nearly succeeded in taking my own life….!

I had a point when I started writing today and I’m not sure if I’ve succeeded in making it, so briefly  -  For many mental ill (and, indeed, physically ill) people - there is a very fine line between incredible strength, and *can’t take anymore*.  
I am deeply concerned that the UK Governments relentless cuts & cruel propaganda are pushing many already vulnerable people worryingly close to - *can’t take anymore*.

I'm 27 years on, I'm still here and my fifth child (my last baby) is nagging me to move away from the lap top and use my imagination. I cannot stress enough how thankful I felt this evening when she rolled in from school and threw her smiley, gorgeous self into my arms. Life is tough at the moment, it has been to varying degrees for as long as I can remember but I feel incredibly blessed to be here.
"With Every Heartbeat there is Hope" Quote via @stuckinscared

Father, I pray your protection this day and always over the lives of all sick and disabled people. 
I pray peace for those who are oppressed, despairing, afraid and strength for those who are close to giving up.
I’m weighed down with their despair and with my own. I want to do something, make a difference - I don’t know how!
I’m open to suggestions Lord, in the meantime I place me and mine and them and theirs into your hands.  Amen.

Thank you as always for allowing me to share.

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                             Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved