Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: September 2013

Monday, 30 September 2013

'Mud Mud Glorious Mud'

If you read my last post you could be forgiven for thinking I'm about to throw another pile of my 'muck' your way.

Well in a way I am -  gloriously muddy muck! 

For those of you who are not up to speed on the not so glorious you can catch up here >> Meat & Two Veg (Minus The Meat)

For those who don't have catch up time - In short.... I spent the best part of the summer stuck-in-scared (more so than usual) heartbroken, despairing, crying at the drop of a hat; convinced life as I knew it was over. 

'The body guard' (that's hubby if you're new to my rambles) let me down terribly - broke me (temporarily) - hurt me more than anyone or anything has ever done before! 

To make matters worse he blew my heart apart bang in the middle of the school holidays, and somewhere in the shrapnel (Thankfully blissfully unaware) was my 'Littlie'.

She kept me going (kept us both going) but if I'm honest (which I generally am) I spent the best part of the holiday wishing her back to school. 

Hiding the muck from her was an effort I could have really done without, coping with her 'special needs' meltdowns whilst trying to control my own was at best hard work, and at worst mind blowingly Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh! - Play time was forced (I pray she never noticed) and days out were incredibly difficult, and few and far between. 

Well I did the mum thing (most days) - I cried in private - went bonkers in my own time - painted on my *protect the child* smile - delved into my imagination when required too, and pushed myself to get her out of the house as often as my increased anxiety/vulnerability would allow! 

It was after one really bad...mummy in a low-mood - thundercloud - "I can't carry on" - failing miserably at 'The mum thing' kinda morning,and child in a low mood - kicking things - screaming things - throwing things kinda morning that something just had to be done about getting us all ('The Body Guard' included) out of the 'Muck house' for a while.

Decision made we (disgruntled parents) bundled she (disgruntled child) into her wheelchair, threw a lead on disgruntled dog, grabbed poo bags, juice and snacks, and headed out and off toward the seafront.

Dog morphed from fed up to fruit loop as soon as we hit the street, and child had cheered up considerably by the time we reached the top of our road.

'The Body Guard' was quiet (head full of guilt) and I (though never comfortable outdoors due to agoraphobia) was feeling more vulnerable than usual because of the distance between us.

His admission that my mental health was at least in part the cause of his recent 'muck throwing' has left me feeling I need to hide the 'real me' - even from him!

Where usually I would hold onto him or the wheelchair when we're out, I felt unable to do so, and incredibly self conscious whenever a passing stranger caused me, without thinking, to grab hold of one or the other.
Added to my head hanging was the fact that though we live only 10 minutes from the seafront, in order to find a comfortable spot (people free) it would take us nearer an hour to get were we were going.

I'll leave out the rest of the wibbly walk that got me to 'people free sand' - Relevant but boring.

We stopped (eventually) next to a beach cafe, grabbed coffee, watered dog and plonked 'Littlie' on the sand with her bucket and spade. I lit a cigarette and let out a smokey sigh of relief!

Peace lasted about four puffs, and equal slurps o_O

'Littlie' wanted to paddle... 'Littlie wanted mummy to paddle... mummy wanted to dig a bloody great hole in the sand and bury herself in it!
What mummy actually did was stub out, get up, and paint on her 'Protect the child' smile.

We had a teeny weeny issue with the paddle thing however. The wet stuff was not quite in (about ten yards away) and between it and us was the *How the hell do I get my disabled child through that* stuff!

Anyway, my "How the hell" was responded to with, "I can do it mummy".
Her "I can" was good enough for me (despite my internal "no you can't) so off we stumbled over the sand.

When we first stepped onto the mud it was actually quite firm, she (hanging onto me for dear life) smiled, and bubbled "see mummy, I told you I can do it", I, less confident but incredibly proud smiled back.

Unfortunately, a yard or so further we had no choice but to turn back. Our wobbly had got wobblier, the mud was now incredibly squelchy, and 'Littlie' was really struggling.

She didn't argue - 'eat ya feet gloop' had stolen her confidence, and she wanted out. She wanted out now!
So with her outwardly panicking, and me inwardly panicking, we headed (slowly) back towards the sand.
By this point we were both incredibly stressed, and 'The Body Guard' concerned enough to wonder if he should ask someone to mind the dog, and come and help.

What happened next can only be described as divine intervention!

On our next step 'Eat ya feet gloop' suddenly got greedy, not content with 'Littlie's' foot (and best part of her leg) it thought it would have mine too, and before you could say 'I'm an idiot get me out of here', I was (in my best WHITE dress I should add) on my bum, in the mud, with child sprawled on top of me! o_O

I, (trying so, so hard not to cry) suddenly began to laugh, I mean really laugh, side splitting, hysterical laughter!
Within seconds, my (Trying so so hard not to cry) worn out, filthy child begun to laugh, really laugh... and together, up to our necks in gloriously muddy mud, we laughed the muck away.

Eventually we would be seen crawling back to dry land. Filthy, exhausted child would (with huge relief) be reunited with her wheelchair. Mummy would unashamedly (Thankful for full length dress) remove her wet, gritty draws, to avoid chaffing on the way home, and Daddy (amused by this) would smile for the first time in days.

The 'muck' would be still be there when we got home, but for that one moment in time, 'bums in gloop',  laughing till it child and I were free!

Mud, Mud, glorious Mud!

Lord, Thank you, for plonking me and my 'Littlie' in 'glorious'... setting us free for a while, and reminding me how blessed I am. Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Meat & Two Veg (Minus The Meat)

In my last post I mentioned that I have a ‘big issue’ in my life at the moment.  I also said I was writing about said issue and would be throwing it your way when I was done.

Well it turns out I’m not able to do that right now.  I’m still slap bang in the middle of it, struggling to get my head around it and I have no idea how the stories going to end!

Having said that I am finding that holding back completely on sharing ‘big issue’ is causing a writing block.  I can’t write honestly about anything if I’m not honest about everything (if that makes any sense)
There’s an Elephant in the room (so to speak) whenever I attempt to write!  

I’m hoping (fingers crossed) this little ramble will get ‘Stuck - In - Scared’ unstuck!

Okay here goes........  Just the ‘two veg’ for now I’m afraid - I’ll bring you the meat when it’s done!

‘The body Guard’ - That man I’m forever boasting about, ‘that he above all others’ who I’m forever thanking God for.  
My wonderful – caring  – loves the bones of me – would never hurt me – “I love you so much my beautiful baby” – gentle – amazing hubby, has gone and broken my heart!

He’s ashamed, incredibly sorry and doing his best to mend said heart.
I’m heartbroken, incredibly insecure and doing my best to ensure the meat (which is currently far too raw for my liking) is falling off the bone by the time it reaches you lot.

He says that blinded by my mental illness (which in fairness has been greatly exacerbated this past two years) he lost sight of ‘me’ - he’s sorry - he loves me - he’ll never hurt me again.

Iv'e never been more sure of anyone one or anything as (up until six weeks ago) I was of him!
And now? - Never before have I felt more unsure of 'everything' as I do right now!

I trusted him completely - I want more than anything to trust him again but I'm not there yet.  

However I am in love with this *turns out he’s just a man* man of MINE! - not for one single moment have I EVER doubted that.
I’m not giving up without a fight!  



Thank you Lord for - giving me the words Iv'e needed to say, the strength to face the unthinkable and for my ‘bounce back ability’ Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x  

Related Posts
Is nothing sacred anymore
'Mud Mud Glorious Mud'

Friday, 6 September 2013


Hello bloggy friends, I hope you all had a great summer!

It's been a while! I had huge issues at home during the summer holidays and needed at the time to deal with the problems rather than write about them.

I am currently rambling said issues into the keyboard in spits and spurts with the intention of throwing it all your way when I'm done. ( bet you can't wait! o_O )

In the mean time I have a favor to ask of you all   :O)

Those of you who have visited the blog before will know that I'm involved (in a tweet till my tweet sticks fall off capacity) with the 'WOW Campaign' .

If you follow me on Twitter you may have noticed my 'Betty Boop & Cookie' pics.

Anyway one of the organizers of the WOW campaign rather likes Betty's adventures and would like me to come up with enough  pics to make a WOW fundraising calender for 2014.

I have four pics already completed (see below) - I do have some ideas of my own for the remaining eight pics required to complete my mission but I'm two or three short (Here's where you come in!) I wondered if any of  might like to put your thinking caps on?

If you can think of anything *austerity - WOWpetition or disability*  related that I can portray through 'Betty & Cookies' adventures please leave your idea in the comment section. I'd be very grateful!

Here's what I have so far >>

Boop says - "Be human all the time" #BeddingOut
Please defend disabled - support #WOWpetition

Boop says "Bow Chicka WOW WOW - this s*** just got real!"
2/3 of people affected by the bedroom tax are disabled #WOWpetition

Boop says "If you're tweeting make it *WOW* - #WOWpetition
Boop says - "Help clear up the 'Eton Mess' -Cameron, Osborne, IDS"
Boop-Boop-De-Doop-oop! #WOWpetition
Boop says - "IT COULD BE YOU....!"

And when she got there the fridge was bare - so she and the poor dog had none....!

Thanks guys, I look forward to reading your ideas and will choose the best (most do-able) xxxx

Thank you as always for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Before you go can I ask you please to take a look at the WOW petition below? Please sign to help WOW fight Government cuts to Disability services and benefits! Thank you x

Please join  and the WOW campaign in resisting the deaths and unnecessary suffering being caused: Sign the
For more information you can click on one of the links below:
Facebook WOWpetition 

The WOW Petition Forum


Monday, 2 September 2013