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Tuesday, 24 December 2013

A Christmas Eve Quickie

Don't panic - I'm not about to (as the title suggests) throw my 'middle aged' love life your way (Perish the thought! o_O )
But it is 'Christmas Eve' and this will be 'quick'.   

Life's tough at the moment and I have a whole load of 'blogger fodder' rolling around in my head but for now that's where it's staying - It's Christmas Eve and I'm feeling 'Christmassy' - "do you hear me brain?" - "No negativity allowed!"

'Christmas Eve', is my absolute favorite day of the year and today I have had a fabulous day! 

A couple of glasses of 'Tia Maria'
a 'Rod Stewart' CD and a delightfully excited 'Littlie'
(covered from head to foot in flour) had me giggling
my way through the Christmas baking.
'Littlie' - despite her condition preventing her from sampling festive foods
(other than the specially cut snowman shaped cheeses) enjoyed helping
mummy in the kitchen . 
The Christmas 'cake toppers' that have been around since my eldest was small
look just as good on my incredibly tiny *cheaters cake*
as they would have done if I'd had the energy to bake my own.
The presents are wrapped
The stockings are filled
Rudolf's sorted
Santa's sorted
I'm anticipating Christmas morning with butterfly tummy and skipping heart (as I always do)
I love the chaos - the mess that out does all messes - the *pringle crumb* carpet and the tripping over of the long and the short legs sprawled out into the middle of my very small dinning room. 
Here's one (A Christmas morning) we made earlier :O)

'Littlie's' sound asleep - shhhh....!  
Now all I have left to do (before putting my feet up with a glass of the hard-ish stuff)  is to thank you all - Dear, 'readers of my rambles' for your support and encouragement over the last year and to wish you and yours....

Thank you as always for allowing me to share 

God bless you and yours 

Kimmie X

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

'It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas' :o)

No ramble tonight (Not sure Iv'e got one in me) but as it's a week since I last blogged and Christmas is my absolute favorite I thought I'd share my decs with you. 

It's taken me nearly a month (low on spoons) and damn near finished me off but my house is now well and truly 'Christmas'ed!' :O)
Won't need to turn 'Littlie's' sensory lights on for a while, actually, there are no sockets left to plug 'Littlie's sensory lights into! lol

I love Christmas and 'Littlie's' eye's are shinning like a child's eye's should - so on both counts - Worth every *drag yourself up mum* minute! 

And now for the grand tour

Kitchen window sill

'Littlie's bedroom
Her tree has been up since early Nov
She was keen bless her

Front room window sill

Lounge view from dinning room

Back door

Old fish tank which stands in my dinning room all year round
looking like a heap of S.... 'old fish tank' to be magically
transformed into 'Littlie's' winter wonder land each December.


View of dinning room from lounge

Family tree - some touching allowed
Joint effort.

Lounge through to dinning room

Mummy's tree
An evening job, on my own with Rod Stewart ringing in my ears
Absolutely NO TOUCHING allowed lol
Snow scene under 'Mummy's Tree'
Again - No Touching :o)

And last but by no means least
The Loo ;o)

I wish you all a peaceful Christmas and - I'd like to say a Tory free new year but as that's unlikely I'll wish you all a happy one and pray you get it! 

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and yours 

Kimmie x

Sunday, 10 November 2013

Just For Today I will not Gamble.

My name is 'Kimmie' and I am a Compulsive Gambler.                                                                    
I have not gambled (compulsively) for nine years - I'd like to say 'Iv'e not had a bet for nine years' but for reasons (good reasons) that I won't go into right now, I do still buy a lotto ticket.

Considering the severity of my gambling addiction in the past, I'm quite surprised that this is my first gambling related ramble.

Anyway, I need a gambling 'Therapy' and as symptoms of mental illness prevent me from getting to GA (gamblers Anonymous) at the moment, blogger will have to do!
Just for today I will not Gamble... written therapy. Compulsive Gambling. Addiction. via @stuckinscared
Recently gambling has been on my mind more than (at this point in my recovery) it should be, and I'm not comfortable with that.
I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable at the moment - fearful, insecure in my marriage, terrified of 'the powers that be', really struggling with symptoms of mental illness, and not coping as well as my 'mask' would have other people believe I am.

My gambling addiction did more damage (mentally, physically & financially) to me, and to my family, than anything else (until recently) has ever done, and yet at the same time it was (still is to date) the only thing (ever) to bring me any real relief from symptoms of mental illness.

For me gambling was escapism - I knew I was hurting myself and those I loved, but at the same time, all the while I was 'in action' I felt safe!
My gambling was fast & furious - manic - time consuming - mind consuming - ALL CONSUMING! There was no room in my head (whilst in action) for anything else - Intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, relationship issues, debt (I had plenty of debt!) anxiety, fear....all gone!
When I walked into a casino, I left everything else (everything else!) on the other side of the doors, I was safe....I was free!

It's all to easy when life goes tits up (and my God has it gone tits up of late!) to find yourself craving that safety and freedom again, it's easy to remember only the good things related to obsessive/compulsive gambling........
The extreme highs - running around like a lunatic playing four tables at once with a load of pink (£100) chips weighing heavy in your bag - chips piled high when your numbers come in - the buzz - the sweep - the payout - squeals of delight when you look up and realise three of your four tables dropped your way on the last spin - the journey home with £5,000 in your handbag - children's faces when they come home from school the next day to find it's Christmas in July!

It is my friends a head recently full of such (wonderful) memories that have prompted this ramble.

You see I really (really) want to run away at the moment and all the while my head is full of 'Christmas in July', I am in danger of falling back into the world of compulsive gambling!
Of course symptoms of agoraphobia would prevent me from frequenting a casino or bingo hall these days, but I am (Thanks to other GA members) very aware of just how easy it is to access (and get sucked into) on line betting sites.

Am I tempted? - Of course I'm tempted. I'm a compulsive gambler.

I'm here tonight because I need to remind myself of the 'far from wonderful' side of a compulsive gamblers life....

I need to remind myself of the extreme lows that ALWAYS followed the highs.

I need to remember the 'Christmas in December' that saw me begging my parents for money on Christmas Eve, and then flying around 'ASDA' after dark trying (In vain) to fulfil my children's wish lists!

I must never forget the 34 year old woman who sat on a stool at the Mecca bingo one afternoon and wet herself because she'd pumped too much money into the fruit machine she was playing to chance another punter stealing her win while she went to the loo!
I must never forget how once the machine had finally paid out, she shuffled her stool (bum firmly attached so as to hide the wet patch) along to the next machine and pumped best part of her winnings into it.
I must never forget the wet patch she left on the back seat of the cab that carried her an hour or so later (late for the third time that week!) to pick her children up from school.

I need to remember the night I slunk through the casino doors (looking like death warmed up) with (my very last) £40 in my pocket (£4 of which I knew I MUST hold back for the kids bus fair to school the next day).
I needed to win that night! I had no food in, numerous bills were over due, I owed a friend money, and it was my daughters 11th birthday the following day!

I entered the gaming area with a £20 note in my hand which I intended to change up (I had a plan - bet small -win big!) as I passed the first table a croupier to the left of me called "last bets please".
Frantically, and without thinking, I shot forward and slammed the 'twenty' down onto the table yelling "14" as I did so....within seconds my *half of all I had* was swept away and replaced with chips....Too late to change my mind -The bet was on!
With my head full of "Oh god, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God"" and my heart banging so hard in my chest I felt dizzy, I watched as the wheel slowed, I watched (kicking myself for my stupidity) as the ball dropped and kicked around numbers 0 - 36 until after what seemed like an eternity it came to a stop in.........Number 14!!!!
Get in there! And Yes, I did actually shout (scream!) "Get in there".

In less than 5 minutes I had just turned half of my last £40 into £720!

In just one spin of the wheel I had made enough money to put food in the cupboards for a week, pay back my friend, deal with the most urgent of my bills, and ensure that my daughter 'squeak' had a half decent birthday present the next day.
Words cannot describe how wonderful I felt as that £720 was swept across the table toward me.

Luck (It's never judgement) was with me that night, I doubled the last bet (as you do) and 14 came in a second time and then a third (my initial bet now trebled). I was on a roll, I couldn't stop at that point, I'd have been mad to stop; I couldn't stop!

When I (eventually) got home (early hours of next morning) I baked bread for my kids (It would be that or nothing the next morning) and wrote out 'Squeaks' birthday card

'Happy birthday, darling 
*We owe you £40* 
Lots of love 
from Mum & Dad'

Thankfully I'd bought a Birthday cake the week before, and was able (later that day) to borrow just enough money to feed us that day and the next two into pay day.

The kids didn't go to school that day.
I told them they were having a day off as it was 'squeaks' birthday - I told the school they were ill.
The real reason for their day off? - I didn't have their bus fair!

My kids were all smiles that day - They'd bagged a day off of school, and mum (with an Oscar winning performance of 'every little things gonna be alright') played, baked up anything remotely bake-able, and smiled all day! My daughter had (to the best of my knowledge) had a happy birthday.

Years later I would find the *I OWE YOU* card hidden in 'squeaks' bedroom, and I would know (beyond any doubt) that I was 'the mum' who broke an eleven year olds heart on her birthday, and that she was 'the child' who loved her mum too much to let it show!

I love my kids and they love me. I have never set out to hurt them, but when I was gambling, hurt them (more than once) I did! - If I gamble again, I WILL hurt them again.
Just for today I will not gamble!

Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Serenity Prayer. via @stuckinscared ... Written Gambling Therapy.

Thank you for allowing me to share                                                                       

God bless those and all those you love 

Kimmie x

Thursday, 17 October 2013

'All things dark and ugly'

WARNING: The following ramble includes some mild (non explicit) references to self harm. Please read with caution if you are feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment. 
All things dark and ugly. Mental health. mental illness. WARNING: The following ramble includes some mild (non explicit) references to self harm. Please read with caution if you are feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment.

In my own experience fear, shame and paranoia have resulted in a life time of 'hiding', and I find it almost impossible to open up to anyone (away from blogger) with complete honesty.

When the same fear and shame interferes with my ability to talk to GOD, isolation reaches a whole new level! 

Belief isn't an issue (If I didn't believe there’d be no need for this ramble!) but, I do struggle (really struggle) in my relationship with God.
My prayers are almost always interrupted by intrusive thoughts, obscenities, day-mares or random muddle and as I can’t hide the ‘me behind the mask’ from God, I find prayer incredibly stressful.

Here’s what usually happens when I attempt to pray (lets give the ‘Lords prayer’ as an example)
It goes a bit like this - “Our father who art in heaven’, hallowed be”….  that’s usually about as far as I get before a random obscenity pops into my head (sometimes aimed at God which exacerbates shame!) if not blaspheme, it’s appalling thoughts/images - intrusions that are always unwelcome but never more so than when I'm praying.

Often, in my attempt to block unwanted thoughts, I'll recite ‘Ten green bottles' (or similar) while continuing at the same time with prayer.
So now one area of my mind is reciting ’Ten green bottles’, while another struggles with the words I should be saying. If this isn't sufficient to suppress unwanted thoughts, I resort to actually picturing each of my illusory green bottles as they fall off the wall!
If I come away from common pray and attempt to pray in my own words, I've usually given up before the fourth bottle hits the ground.

There is no peace in this prayer time fiasco, it’s stressful, it hurts me, I dread it! 
And yet at the same time I’m compelled to pray, I need to pray (I've a lot that needs forgiving and a million and one people I want to pray for!)  

I imagine (if you don’t believe in God) you’re by now raising your eyebrows at the mentally ill bible basher (if you haven’t buggered off already) but for those of you who get this, have perhaps experienced similar (and for myself) I will continue.

So how do I get around my ‘praying with a head full of crap’ problem?!

How do I ask forgiveness for (appalling) thoughts if I’m still experiencing them as I pray - forgiveness for hurting myself when the urge to cross the room (despite God’s presence) and take the scissors from the draw is so strong! 

How - when my mind thinks it's appropriate to throw random swear words into prayer, do I say, "I'm sorry God", knowing seconds later it will happen again?!

Today (with fruit loop pooch bouncing around my ankles) in the time it took me to transport a pair of scissors from lounge to kitchen, and (shaking my head in horror) throw them into a draw, my mind had played out extremely vivid 'mutilate the dog' scenes!
How do I ask forgiveness for such thoughts when it's not the first time I've had them and it's unlikely to be the last?!
(Though I do thank God that the dogs actual experience was - 'human at drawer (boring) - human at treat cupboard (Yah!) - gobble - slobber - beg for more)

How do I say "I'm sorry I'm not able to picture Jesus as I pray Lord - the people I care about or 'All things bright and beautiful" - "I'm sorry that in order to get through ten minutes in your presence without having a breakdown I'm watching illusory bottles smash to the ground or picturing illusory kids buying illusory currant buns from an illusory bloody bakers shop!"

How do I do that?!

Truth is I can't, and for now at least, I have given up trying to be alone in my head with God!

However (Thanks to God) there is something I can do....I can (though some may disagree) write, and as when I'm writing I'm usually relatively free from intrusive thoughts (those that aren't blocked by my 'key board bashing' are often relevant) a while ago I thought - 'why not write to God!'

And that's what I did - I started writing my prayers down, and it helped; It really helped!

I felt no pressure to read my prayers to God after writing - If God can see into my heart I'm pretty sure he can see into my lap top!

Funny isn't it (or not as the case may be) that the answer to a problem (a prayer) can be right there under your nose, and it takes a life time to notice!

Anyway, we muddled along relatively well God and I, until one day, after reading a particularly beautiful prayer on a friend's blog, it occurred to me that though I've read lots of prayer books/blogs in my time, I've never read prayers quite like my own (other than my own obviously)

Increasingly, I found myself comparing my prayers with those of other writers.
Theirs were full of beautiful, fluffy, seemingly God given words;  mine were not!
Theirs sang 'All things bright and beautiful', while mine (more often than not) screamed 'All things dark and ugly'!
I went looking for prayers more like my own - I found none.
I was filled with such shame that after initially attempting (and failing) to write to God using other peoples words, I gave up altogether.

I was stranded - AGAIN!

Then one night, around 3am (more commonly known as 'stupid o'clock') after a particularly bad (Intrusive thought/self-harm) day - agitated, afraid, and crying out for God, I suddenly remembered a message that another blogger had left on one of my blog posts.

"You are far from being a disappointment to God. He loves you beyond words"

I got out of bed, and I spoke to God (through my keyboard) My way!
No fluffiness, no beating around the bush, no hiding!

Here's what came out....
‘LORD, I hurt myself today, I was so angry at 'me' - ashamed of,  and terrified by my thoughts - filled with overwhelming self hatred. 
I wanted to (needed to) scream, cry, rage, but that would have hurt my child.  
I meant to hurt myself, I knew what I was doing, I craved the relief I knew the pain would bring. Please forgive me. I'm sorry.

I’m ashamed of my weakness, I’m sorry for my actions, and I’m now terrified (as always) that the wound will become infected, please help me and heal me Lord, in body, mind and spirit. I'm sorry. 

I can’t promise you it won’t happen again, Iv'e made you the same promise so many times before that now it would just feel like a lie. I’m sorry.

I pray for your help in controlling my urge to self-harm. Help me to be kinder to myself, help me to accept (all of the time) that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of my illness and not a reflection of who I am.... Lord, hear my prayer. Amen.’

Not your average share with the world prayer, but one that brings me to the point of this (rather long) ramble.

While sipping post prayer coffee I got to thinking (not for the first time) 'What if I'm not the only one'!
What if other mental health sufferers are struggling to recite 'All things bright and beautiful' with a head full of 'All things dark and ugly' !

So my friends - I'm going to (attempt) to write a book.

I'm going to attempt to write a prayer book that might enable other sufferers whose heads are full of 'All things dark and ugly' to open up honestly to God! - To just let go, and 'Pray it how it is'!

Wish me luck! :O)

POSITIVE THOUGHT                                 
He will not let go of me!

LORD, If it’s meant to be written let it be written. In the meantime, I pray that in sharing my story’, I might help other sufferers feel a little less isolated! Amen. 

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

'Yummy Yum Yum'

My God I needed to write today!
Earlier this afternoon with a head full of 'Yukity Yuk Yuk' I tried desperately to throw some of it your way. Two hours I sat here trying to unravel my muddled mind and absolutely bugger all made it as far as the keyboard!

How does that work exactly?! 
My head is full of blogger fodder, I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore, I'm crying at the drop of a hat and hurting so much I'm surprised my scars aren't visible. 
I'm not sure if I wanna make love to 'The Body Guard' (That's hubby to the newbies) or slap him round the face with a wet haddock. (He probably deserves the wet haddock!) 
I spent fifteen minutes this morning spitting venom at my mirrored self - I really let me have it!
Blimey! - There's a ramble begging to come out! 

Anyway, eventually I gave up trying to make any sense here on the blog and took my sulky self over to Twitter where thanks to a few caring Tweeps (you know who you are) I'd offloaded enough (in blogs of 140 characters or less) to feel more like 'mum' than 'mad woman' before 'Littlie' arrived home from school. 

I decided I'd have another go at offloading 'Yukity Yuk Yuk' after 'Littlie' went to bed and within minutes of her going down I'd made coffee, plonked myself in-front of the laptop aaand - NOTHING! o_O 

I blew raspberries at the laptop, gave up on 'the writing thing' and in search of something (ANYTHING) positive I opened up my picture Library. 

It didn't take me long to find my positive (It's a mum thing!) 

Anyway I found what I needed - felt better - smiled a bit and then I thought of you lot. 
They read my 'Yukity Yuk Yuk' I thought - support me either here on the blog or on Twitter (and come back for more!) - I'm gonna share with them my 'Yummy yum yum'! 

So here it is (By 'Little's' own gorgeous hands) - 'Yummy Yum Yum'. 

  You will need - mud (aka tuna) - Trees (aka Broccoli) - grass (aka cress)
   goldfish (aka peaches) - flowers (aka grapes) - fence panels (aka crackers)

First spoon (Or dollop as 'Littlie' calls it) Tuna (mud) into an oblong container

Place small container (fish pond) in center & fill with peach juice.
Chop a few peaches into tiny pieces (goldfish)
sprinkle in a little cress (pond weed)

Sprinkle cress over tuna (grass) and arrange crackers around the edge of
large container to represent fencing.

Next (beautifully demonstrated by 'Little' here) add broccoli trees

Chuck some fruit here and there to represent flowers and you're done.

Finally - Place your 'Littlie' in a chair with his/her masterpiece and toddle off
back to the kitchen to clear up the mess (There's lots of it!)   :O)

No matter how bad things get - If you have a 'Littlie' (grown up or otherwise) then you have something good in EVERY day! 

Thank you God, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for blessing me with lots of 'Littlie's'. Amen. 

Thank you as always my friends for allowing me to share, I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you here to ramble to. 

God bless you and all those you love 

kimmie x

Monday, 30 September 2013

'Mud Mud Glorious Mud'

If you read my last post you could be forgiven for thinking I'm about to throw another pile of my 'muck' your way.

Well in a way I am -  gloriously muddy muck! 

For those of you who are not up to speed on the not so glorious you can catch up here >> Meat & Two Veg (Minus The Meat)

For those who don't have catch up time - In short.... I spent the best part of the summer stuck-in-scared (more so than usual) heartbroken, despairing, crying at the drop of a hat; convinced life as I knew it was over. 

'The body guard' (that's hubby if you're new to my rambles) let me down terribly - broke me (temporarily) - hurt me more than anyone or anything has ever done before! 

To make matters worse he blew my heart apart bang in the middle of the school holidays, and somewhere in the shrapnel (Thankfully blissfully unaware) was my 'Littlie'.

She kept me going (kept us both going) but if I'm honest (which I generally am) I spent the best part of the holiday wishing her back to school. 

Hiding the muck from her was an effort I could have really done without, coping with her 'special needs' meltdowns whilst trying to control my own was at best hard work, and at worst mind blowingly Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh! - Play time was forced (I pray she never noticed) and days out were incredibly difficult, and few and far between. 

Well I did the mum thing (most days) - I cried in private - went bonkers in my own time - painted on my *protect the child* smile - delved into my imagination when required too, and pushed myself to get her out of the house as often as my increased anxiety/vulnerability would allow! 

It was after one really bad...mummy in a low-mood - thundercloud - "I can't carry on" - failing miserably at 'The mum thing' kinda morning,and child in a low mood - kicking things - screaming things - throwing things kinda morning that something just had to be done about getting us all ('The Body Guard' included) out of the 'Muck house' for a while.

Decision made we (disgruntled parents) bundled she (disgruntled child) into her wheelchair, threw a lead on disgruntled dog, grabbed poo bags, juice and snacks, and headed out and off toward the seafront.

Dog morphed from fed up to fruit loop as soon as we hit the street, and child had cheered up considerably by the time we reached the top of our road.

'The Body Guard' was quiet (head full of guilt) and I (though never comfortable outdoors due to agoraphobia) was feeling more vulnerable than usual because of the distance between us.

His admission that my mental health was at least in part the cause of his recent 'muck throwing' has left me feeling I need to hide the 'real me' - even from him!

Where usually I would hold onto him or the wheelchair when we're out, I felt unable to do so, and incredibly self conscious whenever a passing stranger caused me, without thinking, to grab hold of one or the other.
Added to my head hanging was the fact that though we live only 10 minutes from the seafront, in order to find a comfortable spot (people free) it would take us nearer an hour to get were we were going.

I'll leave out the rest of the wibbly walk that got me to 'people free sand' - Relevant but boring.

We stopped (eventually) next to a beach cafe, grabbed coffee, watered dog and plonked 'Littlie' on the sand with her bucket and spade. I lit a cigarette and let out a smokey sigh of relief!

Peace lasted about four puffs, and equal slurps o_O

'Littlie' wanted to paddle... 'Littlie wanted mummy to paddle... mummy wanted to dig a bloody great hole in the sand and bury herself in it!
What mummy actually did was stub out, get up, and paint on her 'Protect the child' smile.

We had a teeny weeny issue with the paddle thing however. The wet stuff was not quite in (about ten yards away) and between it and us was the *How the hell do I get my disabled child through that* stuff!

Anyway, my "How the hell" was responded to with, "I can do it mummy".
Her "I can" was good enough for me (despite my internal "no you can't) so off we stumbled over the sand.

When we first stepped onto the mud it was actually quite firm, she (hanging onto me for dear life) smiled, and bubbled "see mummy, I told you I can do it", I, less confident but incredibly proud smiled back.

Unfortunately, a yard or so further we had no choice but to turn back. Our wobbly had got wobblier, the mud was now incredibly squelchy, and 'Littlie' was really struggling.

She didn't argue - 'eat ya feet gloop' had stolen her confidence, and she wanted out. She wanted out now!
So with her outwardly panicking, and me inwardly panicking, we headed (slowly) back towards the sand.
By this point we were both incredibly stressed, and 'The Body Guard' concerned enough to wonder if he should ask someone to mind the dog, and come and help.

What happened next can only be described as divine intervention!

On our next step 'Eat ya feet gloop' suddenly got greedy, not content with 'Littlie's' foot (and best part of her leg) it thought it would have mine too, and before you could say 'I'm an idiot get me out of here', I was (in my best WHITE dress I should add) on my bum, in the mud, with child sprawled on top of me! o_O

I, (trying so, so hard not to cry) suddenly began to laugh, I mean really laugh, side splitting, hysterical laughter!
Within seconds, my (Trying so so hard not to cry) worn out, filthy child begun to laugh, really laugh... and together, up to our necks in gloriously muddy mud, we laughed the muck away.

Eventually we would be seen crawling back to dry land. Filthy, exhausted child would (with huge relief) be reunited with her wheelchair. Mummy would unashamedly (Thankful for full length dress) remove her wet, gritty draws, to avoid chaffing on the way home, and Daddy (amused by this) would smile for the first time in days.

The 'muck' would be still be there when we got home, but for that one moment in time, 'bums in gloop',  laughing till it child and I were free!

Mud, Mud, glorious Mud!

Lord, Thank you, for plonking me and my 'Littlie' in 'glorious'... setting us free for a while, and reminding me how blessed I am. Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Meat & Two Veg (Minus The Meat)

In my last post I mentioned that I have a ‘big issue’ in my life at the moment.  I also said I was writing about said issue and would be throwing it your way when I was done.

Well it turns out I’m not able to do that right now.  I’m still slap bang in the middle of it, struggling to get my head around it and I have no idea how the stories going to end!

Having said that I am finding that holding back completely on sharing ‘big issue’ is causing a writing block.  I can’t write honestly about anything if I’m not honest about everything (if that makes any sense)
There’s an Elephant in the room (so to speak) whenever I attempt to write!  

I’m hoping (fingers crossed) this little ramble will get ‘Stuck - In - Scared’ unstuck!

Okay here goes........  Just the ‘two veg’ for now I’m afraid - I’ll bring you the meat when it’s done!

‘The body Guard’ - That man I’m forever boasting about, ‘that he above all others’ who I’m forever thanking God for.  
My wonderful – caring  – loves the bones of me – would never hurt me – “I love you so much my beautiful baby” – gentle – amazing hubby, has gone and broken my heart!

He’s ashamed, incredibly sorry and doing his best to mend said heart.
I’m heartbroken, incredibly insecure and doing my best to ensure the meat (which is currently far too raw for my liking) is falling off the bone by the time it reaches you lot.

He says that blinded by my mental illness (which in fairness has been greatly exacerbated this past two years) he lost sight of ‘me’ - he’s sorry - he loves me - he’ll never hurt me again.

Iv'e never been more sure of anyone one or anything as (up until six weeks ago) I was of him!
And now? - Never before have I felt more unsure of 'everything' as I do right now!

I trusted him completely - I want more than anything to trust him again but I'm not there yet.  

However I am in love with this *turns out he’s just a man* man of MINE! - not for one single moment have I EVER doubted that.
I’m not giving up without a fight!  



Thank you Lord for - giving me the words Iv'e needed to say, the strength to face the unthinkable and for my ‘bounce back ability’ Amen.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x  

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Friday, 6 September 2013


Hello bloggy friends, I hope you all had a great summer!

It's been a while! I had huge issues at home during the summer holidays and needed at the time to deal with the problems rather than write about them.

I am currently rambling said issues into the keyboard in spits and spurts with the intention of throwing it all your way when I'm done. ( bet you can't wait! o_O )

In the mean time I have a favor to ask of you all   :O)

Those of you who have visited the blog before will know that I'm involved (in a tweet till my tweet sticks fall off capacity) with the 'WOW Campaign' .

If you follow me on Twitter you may have noticed my 'Betty Boop & Cookie' pics.

Anyway one of the organizers of the WOW campaign rather likes Betty's adventures and would like me to come up with enough  pics to make a WOW fundraising calender for 2014.

I have four pics already completed (see below) - I do have some ideas of my own for the remaining eight pics required to complete my mission but I'm two or three short (Here's where you come in!) I wondered if any of  might like to put your thinking caps on?

If you can think of anything *austerity - WOWpetition or disability*  related that I can portray through 'Betty & Cookies' adventures please leave your idea in the comment section. I'd be very grateful!

Here's what I have so far >>

Boop says - "Be human all the time" #BeddingOut
Please defend disabled - support #WOWpetition

Boop says "Bow Chicka WOW WOW - this s*** just got real!"
2/3 of people affected by the bedroom tax are disabled #WOWpetition

Boop says "If you're tweeting make it *WOW* - #WOWpetition
Boop says - "Help clear up the 'Eton Mess' -Cameron, Osborne, IDS"
Boop-Boop-De-Doop-oop! #WOWpetition
Boop says - "IT COULD BE YOU....!"

And when she got there the fridge was bare - so she and the poor dog had none....!

Thanks guys, I look forward to reading your ideas and will choose the best (most do-able) xxxx

Thank you as always for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

Before you go can I ask you please to take a look at the WOW petition below? Please sign to help WOW fight Government cuts to Disability services and benefits! Thank you x

Please join  and the WOW campaign in resisting the deaths and unnecessary suffering being caused: Sign the
For more information you can click on one of the links below:
Facebook WOWpetition 

The WOW Petition Forum


Monday, 2 September 2013

Monday, 29 July 2013

'As long as there are hearts in my care'

Am I meant to endure?
Bear forever these relentless attacks from the ‘Stranger Within
Coalition of 'Strangers External' now allied  
Damaged ‘stock’, a drain on loved ones, a drain on the state
Existing shamefaced in a world where others live  
Fight or flight? Consumed with fear
Gods disappointment  
Haunted by another time – I’m needed there
Inner Child calls for comfort.. her tears roll down my face. Quote vis @stuckinscared AtoZ challenge. Poetry. Poem... 'As long as there are hearts in my care'.
Juggling madness and mothering – I’m needed here
Keeper of hearts, taking care not to hurt them
La-di-da persecutors seek to destroy – hearts are threatened
Must endure!
Nabobery hoodwink the masses - ignorance permits
OCD’ torments me with 'their' words
Paranoia - fear - shame, my own mind is the oppressor’s mightiest weapon!
Quote: "The human spirit will endure sickness; but a broken spirit who can bear?"
Run away – run and hide - panic!
Silently screaming - visibly scarred – STUCK IN SCARED
Too much to bear, unbearable now – Is this it?  Am I broken? Is this what broken feels like?
VOID... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... crimson awareness
Welcome relief - wounded NOT broken
Xmas – I love Christmas – Random
Years of Yesterdays and all my tomorrows – as long as there are hearts in my care - I endure.
Z – Clearly I never thought this through because despite an extensive ‘Google’ search I found no ‘Z words’ to fit my thoughts. Fail...! o_O

Christmas (obviously) and just above that, right at the top of my list of positives, are the much loved 'hearts in my care'. 
"I like Christmas a Lottle.. it's like a little, but a lot." via @stuckinscared

Lord, Thank you for my children, for trusting me with their hearts and for every single day (no matter how difficult that day is for me) that you wake me and bring me to them. Amen
"If i were Peter Pan, my kida would be my Happy Thought". Quote via @stuckinscared AtoZ challenge.

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x