Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: About Me... (me, myself, and mental illness)

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

About Me... (me, myself, and mental illness)


This blog tells my story. I write under an adaption of my first name... my preferred name, ‘Kimmie’, a pet name given to me by my Nan years ago.

My scribbles include my experience of mental illness and gambling addiction. My fear and isolation as a child! My relationship with GOD, with my children and with my mother. Good and bad days past and present, life in general, and occasionally a little of my nonsense! 
Where ever my muddled mind takes me! It’s all relevant, Its all me.

I’m not a perfect wife, or a perfect mum, but I do always try my best. So okay, on a bad day my best might only be responding with a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes when I’m spoken to - but on a good day, I’m a great cook (that’s hubby covered) and as I have the ability to get right down on a child's level, and I mean right down; like 50-going-on-five down, I make a great playmate (that’s the kids covered, even the grown up ones)

I’m a God botherer! (No offence to God or man intended when I say that, what I mean is, I really do take up an awful lot of the LORDS time with my ramblings.)  
I love GOD, I really do; but disturbing, often vile intrusive thoughts (a symptom of O.C.D) can make my relationship with GOD extremely difficult!

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I am a compulsive gambler (in recovery) much more on that later, but for now in brief….

Thunder crashing in my head
It’s three am, I should be in bed
And the wheels keep on turning.
I can’t walk away, I just can’t stop,
I try to disguise the ‘need the loo bop’
And the wheels keep on turning
Sandwich to the left of me, dry, untouched!
No time to eat and I’ve drank too much
And the wheels keep on turning
Fourteen, twenty on the nose,
Despair, elation, such highs, such lows
And the wheels keep on turning
4.00am on the loo, had no choice
Praying out loud, Is that really my voice
And the wheels keep on turning!
I’ve tried hard to stop, I’ve really tried
So sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!
And the wheels keep on turning
Can’t stop if I’m losing, can’t stop if I’m winning.
Just can’t stop!!!!
And the wheels keep on turning!

***

I am both full time carer, and full time dependent. In short I care for my disabled daughter with hubby’s help, and hubby cares for us both, with no help!

I have lived with mental illness for as long as I can remember, hospitalised twice in early adulthood with severe depression, and more recently diagnosed with O.C.D (obsessive compulsive disorder) which makes me feel a bit like this  'STUCK - IN - SCARED'.  Much more on that later!

I also have a diagnosis of G.A.D (generalised anxiety disorder) which causes me, at some point everyday, even the good days; varied levels of anxiety, and exacerbates facial and body tics, which vary in severity from mild to severe.

AGORAPHOBIA… which makes me feel a bit like this
mental health. mental illness
PARANOIA which is probably related to OCD, although I’m not a doctor so I could be wrong about that. I do know that in my case paranoia affects my ability to trust anyone completely, even my husband who I love with all my heart. More on that later I think, it’s not easy to explain in short.

And last, but by no means least (for the past three years or so) an eating disorder - probably the most terrifying symptom of mental illness Iv'e experienced yet, and the one I find the most difficult to write about.

***

I have five children, including one with complex special needs. They are all amazing, I love them so much and can't wait to share them with you.

***

I am a writer - I've always jotted a bit, and began writing on a more regular basis after my occupational therapist suggested that it might bring me some relief to do so, especially as medication for OCD and related anxiety is not an option for me (overwhelming fear prevents me from taking it) and previous attempts to engage with CBT therapy and psychotherapy have failed, although it has been pointed out to me that both of these therapies are usually more effective alongside medication. (Catch 22!)

My Occupational therapist was right; writing does offer some relief from anxiety but much more than that, it empowers me, gives me a focus, an opportunity to confront and share my fears, and fills me with a sense of achievement.
Maybe one day I’ll write that book Iv'e been harking on about for years, Maybe I‘ll never get around to it! Maybe, Maybe, Maybe, Maybe! (Sorry about all the maybe’s one wouldn't have made my point, and two or three would't have been four!) now I need one more because I see a total of seven in this paragraph, so here it is - maybe all that really matters right now is that I’m writing, and it feels great!

***

I am Me - I'm loving, kind, empathetic. Compassionate, generous, passionate. Creative. 
I have a fabulous imagination, a child-like way about me (not always a good thing), a wicked sense of humour, and a heart for the hurting.

I like Christmas, a lottle (that's like a little but a lot). I'm obsessed with Betty Boop; there may be more Boops in my house than there are in the Boop-Shop.

I love: the sound and smell of the rain, the sun on my face, sand between my toes. Sausage meat between my fingers (that's not as mad as it sounds). Paddling. Puddle jumping. Mud between my toes. Being with my kids. Cappuccino!

I hate: Cruelty. The current UK Government. War. Greed. Fish (unless it's cod...cod's okay). Oh, and the wind; I HATE the wind, it's so... so irritatingly-windy!
About me. Stuck In Scared. Blog. mentalillnessgodandme.blogspot.co.uk

***

PRAYER
Lord, I pray that by my telling-it-how-it-is I might help myself and other mental health sufferers feel less isolated, and at the same time help mental health professionals and society in general gain better understanding of what it feels like to live with mental illness. Amen.

POSITIVE THOUGHT
YAH! After days of obsessing, counting, checking, and constant rewriting I’ve finally completed this blog! I feel a WHOOP coming on!

                                                                       
If you have made it this far down what can only be described as an extremely long 'me me me' post, thank you for sticking around.
It helps me to share, I hope that somewhere in my ramblings you find something that helps you.

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie  x                                        contact details….stuckinscared@yahoo.co.uk


I'll leave you with this random cloud, because it's a fabulous cloud, because I've always loved cloud gazing (though this one looks like it needs bouncing on, rather than looking at) and because I took the shot myself, and I'm rather proud of it :o) x

mental health blog. Clouds.

Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved 

35 comments :

  1. Well done on getting this far. I know that's hard. Now just keep going. And BTW in my understanding of God he like's botherers. :-)

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  2. ThankyouI I hope you found something in my ramblings that helped you :)knowing your listening helps me! God bless x

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  3. Love the upfront, 'take it or leave it' attitude, Kimmie. You are a born survivor and thriving in spite of the great issues in your life. If anything, they give you a lot of empathy, understanding and compassion that flows from your writing.
    In a situation that could easily degenerate into a 'poor me' diatribe, you manage to find a mix of pathos, humour and light.
    God bless you. So pleased we have connected. :)

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  4. Oh dear! I'm afraid if I'm honest I can be found in a 'poor me' mood quite often! I do however truly empathize with other sufferers your right about that, I worry about them more than myself at times lol Thanks Joy for your feed back and empathy, I am very pleased to connect with you too! God bless you and yours

    kimmie x

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  5. Despite your troubles your warmth and humour shine through. Thanks for sharing this blog. I can't wait to read your book! :)

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  6. Thanks for sharing ...I wish you luck for the future. Maybe you can try CBT again sometime in the future. All the best

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  7. I can't believe I barely stumbled upon this blog. It's good to see such honesty, despite such troubling circumstances. I have never been diagnosed with any mental illnesses, but I certainly know what it is like to struggle with anxiety. I look forward to reading more of your posts. God bless!

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    1. Thanks so much Javier, it's lovely to (virtually) meet you.

      I read one of your blog posts earlier..via #MondayBlogs, and gathered from it that you struggle with anxiety, and yes, I agree..it is a struggle.

      Thanks for taking the time to read/comment

      God bless you and yours, Kimmie x

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  8. I am so glad you posted on Once Upon Your Blog so I could follow the breadcrumbs back to all of this wonder. You're an exquisite writer and in exquisite pain. I've been in the latter and the former really is cathartic. I look forward to following your marvelous work.
    Stephanie

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    1. Thank you Stephanie, I read your comment on my 'I am' post, on 'Once Upon A blog', - thanks for the heads up there.. it's always nice to put a name to an anon :o) .... such an encouraging comments, both there and here. Thank you!

      All the best to you and yours

      Kimmie x

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  9. It's a very open, honest introduction to who you are. I look forward to reading more posts :) Karen x

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    1. Thank you Karen, for stopping by, and for taking the time to comment :) x

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  10. Thanks for sharing this... I never realised this was "anonymous" and Kimmie wasn't your "real" name! How odd. Now I think about it, I suppose I've never seen a picture of you!

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  11. Semi anon Vicky.. 'Kimmie' isn't entirely misleading, it's a variation of my real name.. a pet name my Nan gave me as a child.. It's also who I really am, if that makes sense. No one IRL calls me Kimmie anymore.. But it's the name I'm most comfortable in.. a name I was safe in back then, and can hide behind (to some extent) now. I find it incredibly comforting to be Kimmie again....I'm going to make it official one day :)

    There are one or two pics of me on the blog.. but only back views. I'm more comfortable writing the difficult stuff if my face isn't out there.

    Thanks for popping by.

    Take care, Kimmie x

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  12. Nice opening post,Kimmie. Writing makes for great therapy.

    https://moonknight64.wordpress.com/2015/05/03/here-and-there/

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    1. Thank you Michael. Yes, it's cathartic :)

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  13. What a beautiful introduction! I have just found you. Your profile is like my dog Angus.Nice meeting you Kimmie.

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    1. Hi Thelma, it's nice to (virtually) meet you too. :) Thank you so much for stopping by, and for taking the time to leave such a lovely comment.

      Aw, another Cavalier Mummy... mine is called Cookie :)

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  14. LOVE the new look of this page, my dear, and ESPECIALLY all of it (but the cloud...ahhh, so pretty :D )

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    1. Thanks, bean. I needed a distraction today, and updating this post has been on my to-do list for ages. :)

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  15. Agreed with lizzi. Love the new look!!

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    1. Thank you. I'm slowly working my way through old posts and updating my earlier-less-appealing images. Long over due :)

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  16. Love the new page and glad to get to know a bit more about you. :)

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  17. Thank you for sharing so openly, Kimmie. I'm surprised I haven't read it before, but perhaps it's a good thing, cause I enjoyed reading it today. It is lovely to get to know you a little better.

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    1. Thank you, Norah. Actually, your comment about being surprised you've not read it before got me thinking... I don't think (also surprisingly) I've ever read your 'About Me' page either. I'll need to rectify that :)

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  18. I love honest posts - nobody is perfect and most of us have underlying issues that we are slowly working through (some have more than others!) Sharing and connecting certainly help and it's lovely that you are being brave enough to open up and start a conversation.

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    1. Thank you, Leanne.

      Yes. You're right... we are all a work in progress. There is catharsis in the writing... and connecting with others, either through their own blog-shares, or here in response to my own posts really does help.

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  19. Kimmie, that Wheels Keep Turning poem sounds like a great SpokenWord opportunity

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    1. Something to think about... :)
      Thanks for hopping over.

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  20. Some of my loved ones have mental illness and I know it is a hard road. Your honesty is admirable. Sending many blessings and much love to you all.

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    1. Thank you. All the best to you and yours too. x

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  21. Wow.. I love it. Congratulations on getting this far and being so honest. :) Have a great day!

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