About Me... (me, myself, and mental illness)

This blog tells my story. I write under an adaption of my first name... my preferred name, ‘Kimmie’, a pet name given to me by my Nan years ago.

My scribbles include my experience of mental illness and gambling addiction. My fear and isolation as a child! My relationship with GOD, with my children and with my mother. Good and bad days past and present, life in general, and occasionally a little of my nonsense! 

Where ever my muddled mind takes me! It’s all relevant, Its all me.

I’m not a perfect wife, or a perfect mum, but I do always try my best. So okay, on a bad day my best might only be responding with a smile that doesn’t quite reach my eyes when I’m spoken to - but on a good day, I’m a great cook (that’s hubby covered) and as I have the ability to get right down on a child's level, and I mean right down; like 50-going-on-five down, I make a great playmate (that’s the kids covered, even the grown up ones)

I’m a God botherer! (No offence to God or man intended when I say that, what I mean is, I really do take up an awful lot of the LORDS time with my ramblings.)  

I love GOD, I really do; but disturbing, often vile intrusive thoughts (a symptom of O.C.D) can make my relationship with GOD extremely difficult!

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I am a compulsive gambler (in recovery) much more on that later, but for now in brief….

Thunder crashing in my head

It’s three am, I should be in bed

And the wheels keep on turning.

I can’t walk away, I just can’t stop,

I try to disguise the ‘need the loo bop’

And the wheels keep on turning

Sandwich to the left of me, dry, untouched!

No time to eat and I’ve drank too much

And the wheels keep on turning

Fourteen, twenty on the nose,

Despair, elation, such highs, such lows

And the wheels keep on turning

4.00am on the loo, had no choice

Praying out loud, Is that really my voice

And the wheels keep on turning!

I’ve tried hard to stop, I’ve really tried

So sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!

And the wheels keep on turning

Can’t stop if I’m losing, can’t stop if I’m winning.

Just can’t stop!!!!

And the wheels keep on turning!

***

I am both full time carer, and full time dependent. In short I care for my disabled daughter with hubby’s help, and hubby cares for us both, with no help!

I have lived with mental illness for as long as I can remember, hospitalised twice in early adulthood with severe depression, and more recently diagnosed with O.C.D (obsessive compulsive disorder) which makes me feel a bit like this  'STUCK - IN - SCARED'.  Much more on that later!

I also have a diagnosis of G.A.D (generalised anxiety disorder) which causes me, at some point everyday, even the good days; varied levels of anxiety, and exacerbates facial and body tics, which vary in severity from mild to severe.

AGORAPHOBIA… which makes me feel a bit like this

PARANOIA which is probably related to OCD, although I’m not a doctor so I could be wrong about that. I do know that in my case paranoia affects my ability to trust anyone completely, even my husband who I love with all my heart. More on that later I think, it’s not easy to explain in short.

And last, but by no means least (for the past three years or so) an eating disorder - probably the most terrifying symptom of mental illness Iv'e experienced yet, and the one I find the most difficult to write about.

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I have five children, including one with complex special needs. They are all amazing, I love them so much and can't wait to share them with you.

***

I am a writer - I've always jotted a bit, and began writing on a more regular basis after my occupational therapist suggested that it might bring me some relief to do so, especially as medication for OCD and related anxiety is not an option for me (overwhelming fear prevents me from taking it) and previous attempts to engage with CBT therapy and psychotherapy have failed, although it has been pointed out to me that both of these therapies are usually more effective alongside medication. (Catch 22!)

My Occupational therapist was right; writing does offer some relief from anxiety but much more than that, it empowers me, gives me a focus, an opportunity to confront and share my fears, and fills me with a sense of achievement.

Maybe one day I’ll write that book Iv'e been harking on about for years, Maybe I‘ll never get around to it! Maybe, Maybe, Maybe, Maybe! (Sorry about all the maybe’s one wouldn't have made my point, and two or three would't have been four!) now I need one more because I see a total of seven in this paragraph, so here it is - maybe all that really matters right now is that I’m writing, and it feels great!

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I am Me - I'm loving, kind, empathetic. Compassionate, generous, passionate. Creative. 

I have a fabulous imagination, a child-like way about me (not always a good thing), a wicked sense of humour, and a heart for the hurting.

I like Christmas, a lottle (that's like a little but a lot). I'm obsessed with Betty Boop; there may be more Boops in my house than there are in the Boop-Shop.

I love: the sound and smell of the rain, the sun on my face, sand between my toes. Sausage meat between my fingers (that's not as mad as it sounds). Paddling. Puddle jumping. Mud between my toes. Being with my kids. Cappuccino!

I hate: Cruelty. The current UK Government. War. Greed. Fish (unless it's cod...cod's okay). Oh, and the wind; I HATE the wind, it's so... so irritatingly-windy!

***

PRAYER

Lord, I pray that by my telling-it-how-it-is I might help myself and other mental health sufferers feel less isolated, and at the same time help mental health professionals and society in general gain better understanding of what it feels like to live with mental illness. Amen.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

YAH! After days of obsessing, counting, checking, and constant rewriting I’ve finally completed this blog! I feel a WHOOP coming on!

                                                                       

If you have made it this far down what can only be described as an extremely long 'me me me' post, thank you for sticking around.

It helps me to share, I hope that somewhere in my ramblings you find something that helps you.

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie  x                                        contact details….stuckinscared@yahoo.co.uk

I'll leave you with this random cloud, because it's a fabulous cloud, because I've always loved cloud gazing (though this one looks like it needs bouncing on, rather than looking at) and because I took the shot myself, and I'm rather proud of it :o) x

Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved 
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