'A little piece of happy by my side'

On waking to sunshine one day in August 2012 (sun being almost non existent for the best part of 2012!) ‘The Bodyguard’ and I decided to take 'Littlie' for a picnic in the park.

Littlie’s disability would prevent her from walking the half hour journey, so in order to give her a break from her wheelchair we decided to stop on the way at a peaceful public garden which is set in a beautiful valley only moments from a busy main road.

A magical place. An enchanted garden! The perfect place for one of ‘mummies’ fairytales.

Before long ‘Littlie’ found herself chatting with squirrels (seemingly unaware that my lips moved each time they spoke)  ‘trip trapping’ over a little bridge to get to the green grass on the other side, thrilled at the thought of the ‘ugly troll’ who might jump up from under at any moment. Dancing (to the best of her ability) with fairies, playing with elves and running away (fast walking would be more accurate) from an ogre who turned out to be friendly and was therefore understandably a little put out by our reaction to him.

Stay with me friends there is a point to this story.

While wandering that day through the magical land that I had created for ’Littlie’ my own thoughts were far from enchanting. As I led her further into the light overwhelming intrusive thoughts had me stumbling through blackness doing my damnedest to stay with her!

I talked the talk that ’littlie’ needed to hear, and walked the walk that would carry her further along an imaginary path.  She joyfully wandered further into the beautiful, bright world that I (despite my muddled mind) had created for her, I walked beside her in darkness.

As I encouraged her to join me in ‘trip trapping’ over a little concrete bridge treading carefully so as not to wake the wicked troll. As my lips spoke of fairies and elves, friendly ogres and squirrels who talk I found myself sinking further into the murky depths of my mind.

My false smile and animated tone set my daughter’s world alight, lifting her mood and drawing her mind away from her physical limitations but my own mood in contrast was one of overwhelming despair. Appalling images crowded my mind threatening to block the next phase of ’Littlie’s’ fairytale adventure.

I felt almost as if there were a visible line drawn between us and though we were linked across the divide by our hold on each other we might well have been a million miles apart. She walked along beside me under the warmth of the sun with fairies dancing at her feet and I stumbled along beside her in the dark terrified of what would jump out at me next! 

For a while her voice seemed far away and the image of her distorted until eager for a new scene she excitedly raised her voice drawing me back towards her sunshiny world.
Grateful for the distraction I squeezed her little hand and pointed her toward the muddy slope that would take us to the giant’s castle. 

I wondered as she looked up at me in complete awe with wide smile and twinkling eyes if she had noticed the torment behind my smile. She hadn't - there was no sign of sadness or concern in her expression - she was just a happy little girl eagerly anticipating the next stage of the imaginary journey her mummy had invented for her.

As for me, in that moment looking down into the face of the sun I was able to step over the divide and back into the light.

I silently thanked GOD for this 'little piece of happy' by my side!

POSITIVE THOUGHT
My kids are amazing! They keep me walking with one step in the ’light’ direction.  

PRAYER
LORD, thank you for my children. They are my sunshiny. Amen.

Thanks for allowing me to share my ramblings.

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie  x                                                  Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved