Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: 'ASPIRATIONS OF A BENEFIT SCROUNGER!

Friday, 19 October 2012


For the past few days I have been pondering over ‘David Camerons’ recent address to the nation during which he twice declared ‘Tory’ Britain to be an ‘Aspiration Nation’. Using the words ‘aspiration’ and aspirational’ a total of nine times during his speech he arrogantly declared that ‘Aspiration Nation’ is to be built upon hard work - strong families - taking responsibility and a desire to succeed.

While speaking of his Aspiration Nation’ he implies that ‘scroungers’ like me and mine lurk behind our curtains in the morning while decent hard working people head off for work.
He implies ‘through the back door’ so to speak that all people who rely on welfare (and if his actions are anything to go by that includes the sick and disabled) are weak, dysfunctional families who lack  responsibility!

Before I go any  further with this latest bloggy ramble I would like to share with you all (and that includes you ‘Dave') the meaning of the word ‘Aspiration’ just so we’re all clear.

The (noun) ‘Aspiration’ has four senses:

1) A will to succeed - a goal that one strives toward - an aim
2) A cherished desire - a longing - a hope
3) A manner of articulation involving an audible release of breath
4) The act of inhaling - the drawing in of air (or other gases) as in breathing

Well I’m fairly sure that most of us manage the third at some point or other especially I suspect if we are listening to one of Mr Cameron’s speeches.
The fourth sense of the word refers to something we are all required to do in order to stay alive, some of us without thinking - others with considerably more difficulty depending on health!

Today on a personal level while at the same time sticking two fingers up at Mr Cameron and the rest of his evil (there’s no other word for them) tribe I would like to focus on the first and second senses of the word ‘Aspiration’.

So what are my aspirations? What have I aspired to in the past, what are my aspirations for the future? My hopes - goals - cherished desires.
How have I succeeded in the past how do I hope to in the future? What goals did I strive toward today?

Well lets start with today. At tea time today I was making my way miserably through a huge mound of ironing I felt extremely depressed, was plagued by intrusive thoughts and due to self starvation and severe fatigue found I had to stop what I was doing every now and then to hang onto the ironing board fearing I was going to pass out.

I was not really strong enough to be out of bed let alone attempting household chores and yet there I was determined that my long suffering hubby would not have to add this task to his already very long list of things to do!

I had to will myself on, my aspirations’ as I worked were firstly and probably most importantly to get through the task in hand without giving into the urge to place the hot iron down onto the back of my arm whilst ‘Thebodyguard was in the next room attending to our daughter and secondly to smooth and put away every last item in the crumpled pile beside me. 

I had a goal this tea time - a will to succeed - an aim! I strove towards my goal and I achieved it.

Now let me take you back seven years to the birth of my 5th child. She was born weak, floppy, unable to cry - move - open her eyes or feed. She spent three weeks in the special care baby unit during which time there were many occasions where we had reason to fear we might lose her. When she was just over a week old we were told that she had a chromosome disorder (Prader Willi Syndrome) and would always have special needs, we were devastated!
By week two although still too weak to move, cry or feed herself she had been moved from the high dependency unit to the room next door (The preparing to go home room) My husband and I were terrified!

Our baby needed two people to bath her (one to hold her extremely floppy head up and the other to attend to the rest) she was prone to frequent deceleration of the heart and was wired constantly to a monitor and would remain so for the first year of life.
She needed  repositioning every hour day and night, she was and still is unable to produce correct amount of saliva and needed hourly mouth care. She could not regulate and maintain correct body temperature and she was too weak to suck so needed tube feeding.

In order for us to take our little girl home we as parents would need to learn how to do all of the things that until now medical staff had done for us!  We would have an on call team and a PCN who would come in every day to do observations and address any concerns  but effectively my husband and I would now be responsible for all of her considerable and complex care needs.

Well let me tell you friends we had a cherished desire - a longing - a will to succeed during and way beyond these first few weeks of our ‘Littlies’ life.
We had a huge goal to strive toward and despite my already complex mental health issues, despite the fact that ‘Thebodyguard’ had no choice but to give up work to help with her care needs and despite the fact that we were drowning in fear strive we did! We aspired, we learnt and we took our child home!

Fast forward a few weeks and we find ourselves at home with our still extremely vulnerable child,
I am by now unable to go out alone and have not left the house without my hubby since coming home from hospital. My fear of the outside world has somehow developed into full blown agoraphobia and in addition to this I panic to the point of passing out if left alone at home!
My OCD is probably the worst it’s ever been and my clinical depression is topped up with a lovely dose of postnatal depression, my husband and I are both on our knees with fatigue and the crisis team call in every other day!

I am picturing ‘David Cameron' and his henchmen Iain Duncan Smith' and 'George Osborne'  now as I write and I can’t help but feel bloody angry! How dare they suggest that because we are on welfare we are weak, dysfunctional or lazy.

During the first eight months of ‘Littlies’ life I aspired to breast feed her, it was sole destroying but breast is best right? And let me tell you she needed all the help she could get!
This is a long blog and I forgive you if you’ve buggered off by now but let me try and explain just how difficult this particular ‘aspiration’ was:

Without a child stimulating my breast my body was not receiving the correct messages this meant that every time I sat down at the breast pump I would remain there for a period of around two hours (day and night) with that evil bloody machine pulling at me as if I was a prize cow in order to produce just enough milk for one feed.

When I wasn’t at the pump I had my lifeless child at my breast squeezing tiny drops of milk into her passive mouth in the hope of stimulating a sucking reflex mindful all the time of her lack of gag reflex and the possibility of fluid reaching her lung!
I spent hours implicating the mouth therapies I had been taught by the PCN which involved pushing up onto the roof of the babies mouth with my finger firmly.

When ‘Littlie’was eight months old I removed her feeding tube without advice and sat with her day and night for a week doing nothing other than trying to strengthen the weak sucking reflex that she had by now begun to developed. During this time the breast pump was almost permanently attached to which ever breast she wasn’t latched onto at the time.

Well we did it! After months and months of ‘aspiring’ towards this goal - this cherished desire, we bloody did it!

Hows that for ’Aspiration’ Mr Cameron’? Clearly not good enough!....

If I were to list all of my past aspirations and hopes for the future I would put you off of ever coming back so I will now wrap up this rather long ramble.

I will finish by touching in brief on my mental illness. I have had mental health issues since childhood.
I saw my first psychiatrist at age eleven and have lost count of how many different therapists I have seen since, how many different courses of treatment I have tried to engage with. I have aspired all my life to be well and will continue aspiring toward that goal for as long as I live!

LORD, Thank you for giving my family and I the strength we have needed to get through some very difficult circumstances. Amen

I may never be well enough to work I may always need ‘Thebodyguard’ by my side, but I will never ever give up!

Thank you for allowing me to share 

GOD bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x                                                      Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved
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  1. Despite all, and
    Omgoodnees, what an 'all' ...I love your prayer and your positive thought. Even if u write it and don't embrace it, it will gradually seep into you...and towards others...I think it's wonderfully inspiring your prayer and thought...I too am praying for u tonight ...god bless you and your family...xxxxxxxx

  2. Thank you so much. Knowing people like u are listening gives me a voice at last, and of course I am very aware of your 'all' as well and you and your family have been in my prayers for some time and will continue to be so :) Thanku for allowing me to share xxxx

  3. Good strength to you, a thought from here to you and your family. Let us keep sending out our voice. From a Dad. xxx

  4. Thank you, from a mum :o)Strength to you and yours too x

  5. Totally agree re Cameron's "aspirations". I have severe depression and my husband is blind. Every day a struggle. I hardly have strength to write this. I get no dla as I was turned down. I cannot cope with the appeal process and the is no one to help. My husband is fighting for the increased rate that was promised to blind people. I am a graduate and have worked in law (albeit briefly) I have also run a successful business in the past. Like, we really CHOOSE to live on about £150 a week obviously. Grrr I get so angry with this government and live in fear every day.

  6. you poor thing that's awful! So many disabled people are truly suffering at the hands of this Government. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband x

  7. Couldn't agree with you more!
    I relate to every word you wrote. I too had to be trussed up to the terrible milk machine whilst Molly was in special care. I too have significant mental health issues that make work impossible and my husband has the thankless job of looking after me. By him staying home he has, I believe, saved the NHS a small fortune. Without his support I have no doubt that I would be in and out of hospital all the time.
    A CPN once said to me that people comntribute to society in different ways, you and I may not be able to work, but that does not mean we are not contributing.

    Thank you for your candor

  8. Thank you so much Clare for reading, for you communication and for your empathy. Your right of course, if our husbands were not around and working so hard in their role as carer, we would indeed cost the NHS a small fortune. i am unable to take care of our disabled child alone so it is vitally important that he is around to take care of our needs. And yes it is a thankless task, probably the hardest full time job he has ever done!

    You and yours are in my prayers

    God bless hun

    Kimmie x

  9. Im thinking of the mentally ill women in my life, the mom who committed suicide when I was 1, her bipolar mom, great aunts suicide. There was no dodging the gene bullet for me. I have been sick and functional and now also on disability. I relate to so much on a personal level, but what strikes me is your strength. You are there for your kids and other people like me. Keep writing. Please.

  10. Thank you, I have to say I don't always feel very strong :) But writing is cathartic, it helps me a lot, I am not glad that you relate to my struggles with mental illness because it means you have suffered, but I am glad that you found something here that helped you in some way. I am very sorry to hear about your mum and other relatives!

    God bless you and yours

    Kimmie x

  11. God bless, Kimmie. You're always a clear honest voice of hope here bringing truth into a maelstrom of lies and distortion from politicians and nay-sayers. You're amazing. Thanks for everything you share with us all XXX

  12. I Thank you all for allowing me to share! Kind words Jobiska, Thank you! :0) xxxx

    God bless you and yours

    Kimmie x

  13. Oh how I wish the Camerons of the world would read your post, Kimmie. Easy for him to pontificate when he does so from a disconnected place of full health, wellness and privilege (and a boatload of ignorance), but that is not the reality for many. For those who have been thrown more challenges, every step (even those that the Camerons of the world cannot see) is hard work and takes more strength than he would ever know. To never giving up...

    1. Well said Diane, though as Cameron himself has loved and lost a disabled child I find it incredible that he appears immune to the suffering his Government are causing so many disabled people here in the UK.

      Thank you so much for reading, sharing and taking the time to comment.

      To never giving up :)

      God bless you and yours

      Kimmie x