Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: December 2014

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Christmas Eve 'Magic'

This'll be a quickie, it's unplanned, and unedited because Iv'e still got loads of Christmas prep to get through before tomorrow, but something magical happened this evening, and I couldn't resist sharing it with you all. 

'The Body Guard' (that's hubs to the newbies) and I took 'Littlie' to the Church at the top of our road this evening for the crib service, on the way back, 'Littlie' looked up from her wheelchair and suddenly began squealing - "look, it's Santa, it's Santa!" 
We looked up, and on seeing a group of twinkling lights moving across the sky immediately began squealing along with her, "Oh my God Littlie", says I - "you're right, it is Santa, it really is.. eeeek!"

Hubs and I went along with the magic of the moment, egged on by 'Littlies' amazement, and then.. "Oh no" said Littlie in earnest, attempting to take over the wheelchair wheels - "hurry mummy, hurry, I'm not gonna make it, he's nearly to our house, and I'm still awake!" 
Laughing, I explained that Santa was still incredibly high up, and had lots of other children to visit before getting to us, and the three of us, clothed in magic, continued back down the road to home, squealing all the way!

When we reached home 'Littlie' asked if Santa would see her if she waved to him.. "Oh yes Littlie", said I, "he's too high up for you to see him, but he will see you", and with eyes lit up like a childs eyes should be, she waved to the (sleigh) lights in the sky.
Oh! How I wish you all could of seen the joy in her eyes! - Her expression, and incredulous laughter bought tears of joy to mine. 

Of course, the moving 'sleigh shaped' lights in the dark sky this evening where probably an aeroplane..but my 'Littlie' firmly believes that we have just seen the man in red, and has gone to bed happier than Iv'e ever seen her!
I have never witnessed such joy on any of my kids faces - it was truly magical - the stuff Christmas movies are made of! 
Without a doubt, the best moments of my life so far :O) 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie X 

Update: - Iv'e just been told, by a friend on facebook, that what we actually saw tonight was probably ISS (International space station) which was due over Britain at around 5.30 - so there you go..mystery solved - our secret though....Littlie must never know ;o) 

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Christmas - Once more with feeling

Life's tough at the moment, overwhelmingly so, my existing health issues are exacerbated, and I'm struggling, mentally, physically and emotionally, but, despite a head full of blogger fodder, there'll be no real ramble tonight.
It's almost Christmas, and Christmas is my favorite, so.. I'll share with you my 'Merry and Bright' for now, and leave my misery for after the festivities.

Just briefly though, I will explain to you why I chose *Once more with feeling* as the title for this post, because, well, it makes no sense otherwise (other than to me) ....

....We had a call in October, informing us that our Landlord is selling our home.
We will get two months notice once he's sold the property..we don't want to leave..I feel safe here, we are happy here, and have been for many years.

Initially (with Christmas in mind) I decided that I wouldn't deck the halls to my usual (over the top) standard this year, the decs usually take me weeks to put up (owing to health issues) and almost as long to take down/pack away, so I decided I'd just put a small tree up for 'Littlie' in the living room.

'Littlie' (who is disabled) is physically challenged (more so than usual at the moment) and her behaviour is becoming more and more challenging by the day, on top of that my own health issues are as bad as they've ever been, and we're having to deal with all sorts of people (I don't do strangers easily) and with the stress that goes hand-in-hand with losing one home, and 'attempting' to find another. - It seemed sensible to keep the decorations to a minimum.

However, after some thought, I realised that 'Littlie', who has no idea she's about to lose the only home she's ever known, would know something was wrong if mummy (that's me) didn't do the usual over the top thing.

So, my friends....for 'Littlies' sake, our home, 'Once more with feeling', has been well and truly Christmassed, and I'd love to share it with you.

Welcome to my home (for now, it is still my home)
Heating's on, kettle's on, and there's mince pies in the tin (help yourselves) X

Thank you as always for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

kimmie X

My daughters eyes are shinning, as a child's eyes should. :O)

Thank you God, for the kick up the bum, and for the 'Merry and bright', Amen. 

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Sometimes (Like Now)

Thunder crashing in my head
It’s three am, I should be in bed
And the wheels keep on turning.

I can’t walk away, I just can’t stop
I try to disguise the ‘need the loo bop’
And the wheels keep on turning.

Sandwich to the left of me, dry, untouched
No time to eat and I’ve drank too much
And the wheels keep on turning.

Fourteen, twenty, on the nose
Despair, elation, such highs, such lows
And the wheels keep on turning.

4.00am on the loo, (had no choice)
Praying out loud, Is that really my voice
And the wheels keep on turning.

Iv'e tried hard to stop, Iv'e really tried
I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!
And the wheels keep on turning

Can’t stop if I’m losing, can’t stop if I’m winning.
Just can’t stop!
And the wheels keep on turning.

One evening - Just over ten years ago (after hitting rock bottom) I went (back) to GA (Gamblers anonymous). It was one of the best decisions I ever made!

My children got their mum back! 

Sometimes (Like now) I am consumed by symptoms of mental illness, sometimes (like now) I am overwhelmed by life in general - especially (like now) when security feels threatened, and I feel I have no control over my situation, sometimes (like now) I am 'stuck-In-Scared' every minute of everyday, and best part of the night! (All the reasons I gambled in the first place) and I'm tempted - I crave the (temporary) relief that I know gambling would bring. 

Sometimes (like here > Just For Today I will Not Gamble! I need to remind myself of my reasons for choosing to drive past the casino that night, and head to a GA meeting instead. 

Sometimes (Like now) I need to remember my reasons for abstaining for the past ten years.  

I can't think of a better reason than - *My children have their mum back* ~  Just for today I will not gamble.

"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me." 

God, Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God  bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x