Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: Sometimes (Like Now)

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Sometimes (Like Now)

Thunder crashing in my head
It’s three am, I should be in bed
And the wheels keep on turning.

I can’t walk away, I just can’t stop
I try to disguise the ‘need the loo bop’
And the wheels keep on turning.

Sandwich to the left of me, dry, untouched
No time to eat and I’ve drank too much
And the wheels keep on turning.

Fourteen, twenty, on the nose
Despair, elation, such highs, such lows
And the wheels keep on turning.

4.00am on the loo, (had no choice)
Praying out loud, Is that really my voice
And the wheels keep on turning.

Iv'e tried hard to stop, Iv'e really tried
I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!
And the wheels keep on turning

Can’t stop if I’m losing, can’t stop if I’m winning.
Just can’t stop!
And the wheels keep on turning.

One evening - Just over ten years ago (after hitting rock bottom) I went (back) to GA (Gamblers anonymous). It was one of the best decisions I ever made!

My children got their mum back! 

Sometimes (Like now) I am consumed by symptoms of mental illness, sometimes (like now) I am overwhelmed by life in general - especially (like now) when security feels threatened, and I feel I have no control over my situation, sometimes (like now) I am 'stuck-In-Scared' every minute of everyday, and best part of the night! (All the reasons I gambled in the first place) and I'm tempted - I crave the (temporary) relief that I know gambling would bring. 

Sometimes (like here > Just For Today I will Not Gamble! I need to remind myself of my reasons for choosing to drive past the casino that night, and head to a GA meeting instead. 

Sometimes (Like now) I need to remember my reasons for abstaining for the past ten years.  

I can't think of a better reason than - *My children have their mum back* ~  Just for today I will not gamble.

"Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me." 

God, Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you for allowing me to share

God  bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x  


  1. You're doing a great job. Just keep plodding through the rough patches until they pass xx

    1. Thanks Vicky, I will, with a little help from my friends (and blogger) :) x

  2. Mental illness is a scary subject for many of us, a subject we don't want to talk about. sickness in children is even scarier.

  3. Every time I find myself facing something overwhelming I have to break it down into small chunks. 18 months is a long time to do something, but for this week? I can survive just about anything for 7 days. And I repeat that along with other positive self talk for the entire duration. I've coached myself, with some support, through some tough times using that technique.

    Stay strong, and keep at it!!! (Visiting from the weekend blog hop.)

    1. A good technique Carrie, we are taught the same at GA (gamblers anon) except they teach 'Just for today' "I can do something for 12 hours, that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime" - sometimes (in my case) I go with just one hour at a time, but the principle is the same. .... and writing helps's cathartic :)

      Thanks so much for stopping by Carrie, and for taking the time to comment :)

      Take care, Kimmie x

  4. Well done you great Mom! Just take it one day at a time. Thanks for sharing, this encouraged and motivated me. Those days when it seems like I'm going to loose it, just give up on everything, I think about my son and I tell myself, "Tomorrow is going to be so much better", "Tomorrow is that day my breakthrough will come" and I get up and give the day my very best and trust God for strength. Thanks again for sharing.

    1. Hi Joy, Thanks so much for taking the time to read/comment.

      It helps me to write these thoughts down, I'm glad you found something in my writing that helped you too :)

      "and I get up and give the day my very best and trust God for strength" - Good advice, thank you, I'm taking it :o)

      Take care, Kimmie x

  5. Great poem there Kimmie. Thankfully, I have no attraction towards gambling. But I'm betting that you have a winner of poem there.

    1. Thanks Ropey - coming from you (the master of poetry) that's a huge compliment :) x