Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: 'Twitter just' Guest Post

Monday, 27 May 2013

'Twitter just' Guest Post

The following post was written by a twitter friend of mine >>   @BPDFFS 

Sue campaigns for better services for people with BPD (BorderLine Personality Disorder) - She is a Governor at Sheffield Health and Social Trust runs and also trains CMHT staff in BPD awareness.
You can join Sue on Sunday evenings at 9pm for chats by following #BPDchat on Twitter

Sue has agreed to be my guest this evening (Thanks Sue) I feel many of you will relate to what she has to say.

It is with great pleasure that I now hand you over to 'Sue'. 


Abandonment rejection, I don’t do endings, endings do me. My Achilles heal, my dark dark cave, my shame, my place where I hurt so much I can’t move. 

Imagine the shame of being so attached to someone that when they leave its catastrophic, imagine you know the people who care for you know that. Imagine my shame, imagine my shame. Slow down, I slow down, I cry I cry, my pain is like a fire burning me - memories - my past  - my being left. I want you to stay, don’t leave me, don’t leave me. 
You overdosing, I see you from the stairs, I’m so small and I remember, away you go, *again* and I can’t be with you, I’m frightened, I’m so scared of you, but don’t leave me, don’t go. Don’t go! 
My mum - no support - schizophrenic.

The diagnostic manual DSM IV that gives us our label states the following as one of the five of the nine criteria needed for a diagnosis of BPD > Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Oh I imagine abandonment everywhere!

Attachment theory says failure to form secure attachments early in life can have a negative impact on behaviour in later childhood and throughout life ~ 'Bowlby 1969 and Ainsworth 1978' . 
Trauma early in life causes disorganized attachments - I don’t know if it’s safe to be with you or should I run away - I so want to be friends with you - I don’t want to be alone but watch out I don’t trust you - you’ll hurt (me run away, run away) Accept and reject, I hate you don’t leave me. Push and pull. I STAND ALONE and I cry. Friends are so hard.

(Bio/Social theory says we are born emotional into an invalidating environment which causes difficulties in managing our emotions)
It means I don’t do endings, I see people rejecting me and abandoning me, everyday, in every small way. 
A text not returned - ignored on Twitter - people being late - feeling left out and I talk to myself all day, an internal conversation, "it’s not real" - "the traffic is bad" - "they’re busy" but still I bite my lip, I dig my nails into my hand, I can’t cry in front of you, oh the shame! 
I should be strong, big girls don’t cry. DON’T CRY! And I cry inside and I cry like now.

I’ve started to log my feelings of abandonment and rejection. I’ve started to understand my triggers and although I still feel the pain I’m learning to manage my behaviours. I talk to me, I’m learning to self sooth be kind to me, understand me. I see endings as beginnings. Although it hurts and I feel.

Just don’t leave me. 


Thank you my friends as always for allowing me to share, please do look Sue up via one of the above links, I'm sure she'd love to connect with you. 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie X

Before you go can I ask you please to take a look at the WOW petition below? Please sign to help WOW fight Government cuts to Disability services and benefits! Thank you x

Please join  and the WOW campaign in resisting the deaths and unnecessary suffering being caused: Sign the
For more information you can click on one of the links below:
Facebook WOWpetition 

The WOW Petition Forum


No comments :

Post a Comment