'All things dark and ugly'

WARNING: The following ramble includes some mild (non explicit) references to self harm. Please read with caution if you are feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment. 

In my own experience fear, shame and paranoia have resulted in a life time of 'hiding', and I find it almost impossible to open up to anyone (away from blogger) with complete honesty.

When the same fear and shame interferes with my ability to talk to GOD, isolation reaches a whole new level! 

Belief isn't an issue (If I didn't believe there’d be no need for this ramble!) but, I do struggle (really struggle) in my relationship with God.

My prayers are almost always interrupted by intrusive thoughts, obscenities, day-mares or random muddle and as I can’t hide the ‘me behind the mask’ from God, I find prayer incredibly stressful.

Here’s what usually happens when I attempt to pray (lets give the ‘Lords prayer’ as an example)

It goes a bit like this - “Our father who art in heaven’, hallowed be”….  that’s usually about as far as I get before a random obscenity pops into my head (sometimes aimed at God which exacerbates shame!) if not blaspheme, it’s appalling thoughts/images - intrusions that are always unwelcome but never more so than when I'm praying.

Often, in my attempt to block unwanted thoughts, I'll recite ‘Ten green bottles' (or similar) while continuing at the same time with prayer.

So now one area of my mind is reciting ’Ten green bottles’, while another struggles with the words I should be saying. If this isn't sufficient to suppress unwanted thoughts, I resort to actually picturing each of my illusory green bottles as they fall off the wall!

If I come away from common pray and attempt to pray in my own words, I've usually given up before the fourth bottle hits the ground.

There is no peace in this prayer time fiasco, it’s stressful, it hurts me, I dread it! 

And yet at the same time I’m compelled to pray, I need to pray (I've a lot that needs forgiving and a million and one people I want to pray for!)  

I imagine (if you don’t believe in God) you’re by now raising your eyebrows at the mentally ill bible basher (if you haven’t buggered off already) but for those of you who get this, have perhaps experienced similar (and for myself) I will continue.

So how do I get around my ‘praying with a head full of crap’ problem?!

How do I ask forgiveness for (appalling) thoughts if I’m still experiencing them as I pray - forgiveness for hurting myself when the urge to cross the room (despite God’s presence) and take the scissors from the draw is so strong! 

How - when my mind thinks it's appropriate to throw random swear words into prayer, do I say, "I'm sorry God", knowing seconds later it will happen again?!

Today (with fruit loop pooch bouncing around my ankles) in the time it took me to transport a pair of scissors from lounge to kitchen, and (shaking my head in horror) throw them into a draw, my mind had played out extremely vivid 'mutilate the dog' scenes!
How do I ask forgiveness for such thoughts when it's not the first time I've had them and it's unlikely to be the last?!
(Though I do thank God that the dogs actual experience was - 'human at drawer (boring) - human at treat cupboard (Yah!) - gobble - slobber - beg for more)

How do I say "I'm sorry I'm not able to picture Jesus as I pray Lord - the people I care about or 'All things bright and beautiful" - "I'm sorry that in order to get through ten minutes in your presence without having a breakdown I'm watching illusory bottles smash to the ground or picturing illusory kids buying illusory currant buns from an illusory bloody bakers shop!"

How do I do that?!

Truth is I can't, and for now at least, I have given up trying to be alone in my head with God!

However (Thanks to God) there is something I can do....I can (though some may disagree) write, and as when I'm writing I'm usually relatively free from intrusive thoughts (those that aren't blocked by my 'key board bashing' are often relevant) a while ago I thought - 'why not write to God!'

And that's what I did - I started writing my prayers down, and it helped; It really helped!

I felt no pressure to read my prayers to God after writing - If God can see into my heart I'm pretty sure he can see into my lap top!

Funny isn't it (or not as the case may be) that the answer to a problem (a prayer) can be right there under your nose, and it takes a life time to notice!

Anyway, we muddled along relatively well God and I, until one day, after reading a particularly beautiful prayer on a friend's blog, it occurred to me that though I've read lots of prayer books/blogs in my time, I've never read prayers quite like my own (other than my own obviously)

Increasingly, I found myself comparing my prayers with those of other writers.
Theirs were full of beautiful, fluffy, seemingly God given words;  mine were not!
Theirs sang 'All things bright and beautiful', while mine (more often than not) screamed 'All things dark and ugly'!
I went looking for prayers more like my own - I found none.
I was filled with such shame that after initially attempting (and failing) to write to God using other peoples words, I gave up altogether.

I was stranded - AGAIN!

Then one night, around 3am (more commonly known as 'stupid o'clock') after a particularly bad (Intrusive thought/self-harm) day - agitated, afraid, and crying out for God, I suddenly remembered a message that another blogger had left on one of my blog posts.

"You are far from being a disappointment to God. He loves you beyond words"

I got out of bed, and I spoke to God (through my keyboard) My way!
No fluffiness, no beating around the bush, no hiding!

Here's what came out....
‘LORD, I hurt myself today, I was so angry at 'me' - ashamed of,  and terrified by my thoughts - filled with overwhelming self hatred. 
I wanted to (needed to) scream, cry, rage, but that would have hurt my child.  
I meant to hurt myself, I knew what I was doing, I craved the relief I knew the pain would bring. Please forgive me. I'm sorry.

I’m ashamed of my weakness, I’m sorry for my actions, and I’m now terrified (as always) that the wound will become infected, please help me and heal me Lord, in body, mind and spirit. I'm sorry. 

I can’t promise you it won’t happen again, Iv'e made you the same promise so many times before that now it would just feel like a lie. I’m sorry.

I pray for your help in controlling my urge to self-harm. Help me to be kinder to myself, help me to accept (all of the time) that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of my illness and not a reflection of who I am.... Lord, hear my prayer. Amen.’

Not your average share with the world prayer, but one that brings me to the point of this (rather long) ramble.

While sipping post prayer coffee I got to thinking (not for the first time) 'What if I'm not the only one'!
What if other mental health sufferers are struggling to recite 'All things bright and beautiful' with a head full of 'All things dark and ugly' !

So my friends - I'm going to (attempt) to write a book.

I'm going to attempt to write a prayer book that might enable other sufferers whose heads are full of 'All things dark and ugly' to open up honestly to God! - To just let go, and 'Pray it how it is'!

Wish me luck! :O)

MENTAL ILLNESS, GOD & me

POSITIVE THOUGHT                                 

He will not let go of me!

PRAYER

LORD, If it’s meant to be written let it be written. In the meantime, I pray that in sharing ‘my story’, I might help other sufferers feel a little less isolated! Amen. 

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

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'Yummy Yum Yum'

My God I needed to write today!

Earlier this afternoon with a head full of 'Yukity Yuk Yuk' I tried desperately to throw some of it your way. Two hours I sat here trying to unravel my muddled mind and absolutely bugger all made it as far as the keyboard!

How does that work exactly?! 

My head is full of blogger fodder, I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore, I'm crying at the drop of a hat and hurting so much I'm surprised my scars aren't visible. 

I'm not sure if I wanna make love to 'The Body Guard' (That's hubby to the newbies) or slap him round the face with a wet haddock. (He probably deserves the wet haddock!) 

I spent fifteen minutes this morning spitting venom at my mirrored self - I really let me have it!
Blimey! - There's a ramble begging to come out! 

Anyway, eventually I gave up trying to make any sense here on the blog and took my sulky self over to Twitter where thanks to a few caring Tweeps (you know who you are) I'd offloaded enough (in blogs of 140 characters or less) to feel more like 'mum' than 'mad woman' before 'Littlie' arrived home from school. 

I decided I'd have another go at offloading 'Yukity Yuk Yuk' after 'Littlie' went to bed and within minutes of her going down I'd made coffee, plonked myself in-front of the laptop aaand - NOTHING! o_O 

I blew raspberries at the laptop, gave up on 'the writing thing' and in search of something (ANYTHING) positive I opened up my picture Library. 

It didn't take me long to find my positive (It's a mum thing!) 

Anyway I found what I needed - felt better - smiled a bit and then I thought of you lot. 

They read my 'Yukity Yuk Yuk' I thought - support me either here on the blog or on Twitter (and come back for more!) - I'm gonna share with them my 'Yummy yum yum'! 

So here it is (By 'Little's' own gorgeous hands) - 'Yummy Yum Yum'. 

EDIBLE GARDEN

  You will need - mud (aka tuna) - Trees (aka Broccoli) - grass (aka cress)
   goldfish (aka peaches) - flowers (aka grapes) - fence panels (aka crackers)

First spoon (Or dollop as 'Littlie' calls it) Tuna (mud) into an oblong container

Place small container (fish pond) in center & fill with peach juice.
Chop a few peaches into tiny pieces (goldfish)
sprinkle in a little cress (pond weed)

Sprinkle cress over tuna (grass) and arrange crackers around the edge of
large container to represent fencing.

Next (beautifully demonstrated by 'Little' here) add broccoli trees

Chuck some fruit here and there to represent flowers and you're done.
Almost!

Finally - Place your 'Littlie' in a chair with his/her masterpiece and toddle off
back to the kitchen to clear up the mess (There's lots of it!)   :O)

POSITIVE THOUGHT 

No matter how bad things get - If you have a 'Littlie' (grown up or otherwise) then you have something good in EVERY day! 

PRAYER 

Thank you God, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, for blessing me with lots of 'Littlie's'. Amen. 

Thank you as always my friends for allowing me to share, I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you here to ramble to. 

God bless you and all those you love 

kimmie x