So friends tonight I shall write in brief about all the things that I have wanted to write about and my reasons for not being able to write about any of them.
With the media full of child abuse stories I have desperately wanted to write about my own experiences as a child. However I have felt unable to do so for the following reasons.
People are so distressed by the horrors they are hearing about on the news that I feel the last thing they need are more tales of abuse. I was mentally and physically abused as a child but never sexually abused and therefore cannot begin to understand the pain those children felt, though I do empathize.
These stories have affected me terribly and have had me reflecting more than usual on my own childhood. However I have been unable to write down my own experiences for fear of somehow playing down the horrors that these people faced as children which were clearly far worse that anything I ever had to endure!
I have wanted to write about my depression, anxiety and insomnia all of which have been exacerbated over the last year or so due to fear of Government attacks on disabled people.
I feel overwhelmed with worry not just for myself but also for the thousands of other mentally and physically disabled who are being persecuted, some of whom since joining Twitter I now call friend.
I care about them as a friend should care and it hurts me to know that they are suffering.
I feel powerless to help them or my own family. Fear of our future and campaigning for a secure future for all has taken over my life and serves only to make me sicker as I’m sure is the case for many.
I have wanted to write about the Eating disorder I am now struggling with (also a direct result of fearing the powers that be!)
However while this new addition to my already complex mental health issues frightens the life out of me I simply cannot find any sensible reason for starving myself half to death when I have five children who need me to be strong and ALIVE!
Anything I try to write with regard to this just adds to the guilt I feel at not being able to put my children first.
This week has been a low as low can be kinda week, my depression which never really goes away has been overwhelming.
It would so many times this week have been cathartic to write about how dark and despairing my days have been but I have found myself unable to for fear of dragging everyone else down with me.
I’m not sure how to inject humor or enjoyable reading into ‘Depression. Is there a way of explaining why I cry alone in my room while hubby, child and dog play excitedly together downstairs.
Does anyone really want to hear about how hard it is for me to refrain from taking my secret weapon (a pair of hair scissors) from my dressing table drawer while all the time knowing the relief the blades would bring.
If a book you were reading painted the scene of a miserable, sobbing middle aged woman staring hopelessly at her reflection in the bedroom mirror would you now be flicking the page enthusiastically desperate to get to the next paragraph! I doubt it and who could blame you.
Nether the less as this blog is now turning out to be rather cathartic I will pretend you are all still with me and carry on.
So there she is this pathetic self pitying creature slumped in front of her mirror, tears raining down her long haggard face. Her complexion is grey, the bags under her eyes would serve nicely for getting the food shop home on Friday and her once thick (though always slightly frizzy) hair has been falling out for weeks through lack of nourishment.
Truly I tell you the creature I describe is damned UGLY! In my opinion no one does crying beautifully but any beauty she might once have had has been well and truly stripped away by ’Anorexia’, insomnia and stress!
Through the rain she looks despairingly at her reflection, the expression in the eyes of her mirrored self is one of pleading, this woman is in such pain, unbearable overwhelming pain. Whispering now just loud enough for the sadness in the mirror to hear and careful not to the destroy the little bit of happy that is still going on downstairs she pleads out loud with the creature staring back at her. “Help me, Help me, Oh please help me, please help me” then as the expression in the eyes that she sees in the mirror switches from one of pain to anger she turns away and quietly opens the dressing table drawer....
Well considering the hours I have sat in front of my laptop this week unable to write a thing, I’m not too sure where that little lot came from!
I do feel slightly better though for throwing a bit of my muddled mind your way, so if you made it this far down without wanting to go and talk to your own reflection, Thank you.
PRAYER
Lord, I pray for all victims of child abuse past and present, that they find peace and that justice be done. Amen.
POSITIVE THOUGHT
I managed to eat a bowl of raw vegetables tonight and my first appointment at the Eating Disorder clinic was no where near as bad as I anticipated.
Thank you for allowing me to share
GOD bless you and all those you love
Kimmie x Copyright©2012kimmie All Rights Reserved
Dear Kimmie, in trying not to write of your troubles and sorrows it seems they have spilt themselves out anyway with great poignancy and a need to be heard. How my heart aches for you. As I read every word,every reason for delaying telling your woes to the world, it felt so close to home.
ReplyDeleteMine is a tale refusing to stay silent too, although we prefer to keep these dark shadows hidden from plain sight for fear of how they might take over our lives.
I was subject to sexual and emotional abuse as a child and it is a huge part of my identity still - for better or worse. Please allow yourself whatever freedom of expression you need to be free and release the inner demons.
Christian counselling, faith, prayer and support have been the mainstays for me. But your path may differ. No matter how healing comes and scars remain, remember you are not alone. Others like myself are supporting you in your journey and cheering you from the sidelines at each baby step of progress.
Take good care of yourself. You are so precious to God, your family and loved ones, including friends you have made here. God bless you and help you to be strong in Him:)
Joy, Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words they mean so much! May the peace of the Lord be always with you.
ReplyDeleteKimmie x
no-one knows what Anorexia is like except a sufferer. I was 10 years in and out of Victorian Asylums but how I recovered was individual counselling for a year once a week. I managed to get it cheaply through my local Eating Disorders group. Someone used me tonwrite a PHD but I was and remain largely better. There is hope but I agree this Government are making some behaviours return. Don't give up. We can be cured.
ReplyDeleteI have just started counseling on a two weekly basis and hope it will help. Thank you for your reading and for your support.
ReplyDeleteGod bless
Kimmie x
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteSending prayers your way x
ReplyDeleteThis is deeply moving Kimmie. I'm glad you managed to share your experiences and feelings. You are not alone. There are so many of us suffer with depression and anxiety for different reasons. By sharing you are helping others and I hope it helps you to share.
ReplyDeleteTake care. Gina x
Thank you Gina - It does help me to share - I do hope my rambles help others too (even if only that they feel a little less isolated)
DeleteThanks for taking the time to comment
God bless you and yours
Kimmie x
You are definitely not alone, and you've expressed so well what it's like to be in that dark place xx
ReplyDeleteThank you, Isolation has always been a big issue for me (as I'm sure it is for many mental illness sufferers) ....connecting with so many lovely people both here on the blog and on Twitter has made such a difference!
DeleteIt's so comforting to talk to people who 'Get me' :o)
God bless you and yours hun
Kimmie X