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Friday, 18 January 2013

'I am ME & BPD'

Hello Friends,

Today I read a blog post that reached out to me like no other I have read before! The account on the screen before me so closely mirrored my own experience of mental illness, my own thoughts and emotions that I felt as if the author had reached out and taken my hand in hers!

The post was written by a twitter pal of mine @Messyartoflvng

'Messy' has agreed to be my guest this evening. Many of you will relate to what she has to say, many of you will empathize and I believe that even those of you who have never experienced mental illness will find her post extremely touching!

It is with great pleasure that I now hand you over to 'Messy'.

I Am ME & BPD, The Two Sides To Me.

Below are things I feel and notice about myself. They are struggles, facts, false beliefs I have brought on by my experiences in life, and thoughts with my disorders. Some are ugly and painful to read so please if you are not in the best place, this may not be a good thing to read. Many may relate, but notice there are two sides and depending on the moment, the hour, the day I may have all or a few of them. I have struggles, as does everyone, and I have triumphs too. This is me in all my glory, at my best and my worst.

I am a wife and mother, I love to nurture, cradle my children, and take care of my husband. I love to comfort the fears of my children, and provide for my husband’s needs. My family means the world to me it is the most wonderful thing I have ever been a part of. I love my life and imagine the future, and I look forward to each new day. I am in control of my life, and I handle each task to the best of my ability.

Sometimes I dread the coming of a new day and I hate the fact that I am even alive. I feel like a burden on those I love, a bad example to my children. Sometimes I feel ugly and unworthy of my husband, like a huge embarrassment a dark stain on what should be a wonderful life. Sometimes I want to run away and disappear from existence. I get frustrated; sometimes even the simplest task will cause an anxiety attack, sometimes I even feel useless and unworthy of the life I have.

I am quiet, I love the soft sounds of nature, and I love to create things through art and writing. I love to sing anywhere from the shower to my car, sometimes I will even dance in public just because. I am soft spoken and have a calm personality, and I dislike fighting and arguments and truly enjoy the company of friends and family. I love to think and act positively, and find productive ways to solve problems. Some say I am the life of the party and fun to be around, mostly I love the sounds of people around me and music, though I do best in small intimate settings. I love encouraging others and sharing things that bring me joy with those close to me.  I love exploring new ideas and new places.

I am loud, I can be scary, I might even get in your face. I will scream and cry and feel alone and misunderstood. Sometimes I even seem to enjoy the fight; I throw things and destroy objects and relationships around me. I shout profanities and words that will shatter the strongest soul while inside I am dying, wishing I could shut myself up. I hate crowds and groups, they scare me make me feel sweaty, trapped and vulnerable. The sound of the phone makes me cringe and my stomach turns. I often feel useless. Sometimes I will hide in my room and stay in bed while life falls apart around me, I will cry for days, I will be sad, hurt and angry at the world because I feel like I don’t belong. The thought of driving terrifies me; I sweat and have a huge lump in my throat, my heart pounds like that of a trapped animal, I even feel as though I might die.

I am strong, I push myself hard and I work for the things I want. I recognize my mistakes, learn from them, and use them as fuel to help me reach my full potential. I love to clean and organize and I love the feel of a bright, fresh smelling home. I strive each day to do things myself and my family can be proud of. I fight against lies, negativities, and harmful thoughts brought on by misplaced emotions and irrational fears.

I am one of the lost, now found. I am the calm and the storm. I am a woman and I am a child. I am fearless and yet fear the world. I am capable of anything, I am lost and confused. I am passion and love yet I am misery and rage, I am innocent and I am guilty, I deserve everything and nothing at all. I am a voice among many, I am a unique individual full of potential, and I am a sufferer of BPD!


If you enjoyed 'Messy's post and would like to hear more from her you can visit her on her own blog here >

I will finish as I always do on a prayer and positive thought.

Lord, I pray for 'Messy' and her family, for myself and my own family, for everyone who joins me here on the blog and for all who are troubled in body, mind or spirit. Amen

No matter how bad things get there is always at least one reason to smile! My reason to smile at least once a day?  *My children* What are yours? Think about it because even on the darkest day, there will be something. Trust me! :)

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x  

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