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Tuesday, 29 January 2013

'The Dreaded Brown Envelope'

When my last post was hijacked so to speak by  prompting me to put my planned ramble on hold I promised (threatened) to come back and throw my 'bloody awful' week your way, so here I am

(This may well turn out to be a marathon ramble (not sure yet) so please feel free to run for your lives now!) For those who are staying - Are you sitting comfortably? good, then I'll begin.

I'll start with last Thursday morning because as 'bloody awful' goes it rated quite highly on a scale of 1 - 10!

After stumbling down the stairs at stupid o'clock with 'TheBodyGuard' and 'Littlie' the breakfast, wash, dress and groom routine went actually very well! For those of you who don't already know, 'littlie' is 7 yrs old and was born with a disability (PWS) which affects her both physically and mentally.

She can walk but not far, she has a global developmental delay, OCD and various other symptoms which can make life challenging for both her and us!

She can be extremely difficult, losing emotional control at the drop of a hat, she can also be funny, engaging, and affectionate, a wonderful character who is a joy to be around!  

Well through the wash, dress, pad and groom routine on thursday morning she WAS an 'absolute joy'!

I left my 'absolute joy' in the living room while I went to fetch toothbrush and toothpaste and returned less than a minute later to a different child!

Without warning and for no apparent reason 'Littlie' grabbed the loaded toothbrush from my hand and threw it across the room, as I reached for wet wipes to rescue the carpet from 'pink & white gloop' she punched me very hard in the back, I responded by turning back towards her and saying "That's very naughty! mummy and daddy don't hit you and you mustn't hit us either" her response before I could do much about it was to smack me in the face, I reached out to grab 'offending' hand remembering 'a punch to the other cheek too late' that she has two of the damn things!

And so it went on until as gently as her rage and writhing would allow 'TheBodyGuard' and I managed to bundle her into her wheelchair and onto the school bus!    

After phoning ahead to warn the school that 'absolute joy' had morphed for some unknown reason into 'absolute nightmare' 'TheBodyGuard' and I calmed down over coffee and in my case half a dozen cigarettes, then made our way to Church.

An hour or so later after a bit of prayer and a bit of jumble sorting we made our way home both wondering how 'Littlie' was and obviously worried about her but relieved at the same time that for the next five hours at least we didn't have to deal with 'absolute nightmare'.

Okay onto the next installment of 'bloody awful'!

On reaching home I turned the key in the lock, opened the front door and THERE IT WAS!  
Slightly crumpled as a result of 'Posties' overzealous thrusting, right there in my hallway 'the dreaded brown envelope'!

Immediately, before I'd even bent down to pick up the reason for my racing heart my legs began shaking uncontrollably, I made my way in a fear filled haze to the kitchen and threw the letter onto the counter! I couldn't breath, sucking more and more air in and seemingly unable to breath any air out my heart continued to bang in my chest and my legs continued to shake, my lips within minutes were numb and the room was spinning. Eventually, on the verge of passing out I knelt down on the kitchen floor for a while with my head between my knees in an effort to control both the dizziness and my breathing....

Turns out that while the letter was indeed from the 'DWP' it didn't actually contain the reason for my 'on going, overwhelming, all consuming, daily, nightly, constant fear!

It was actually a jolly little message informing me of the extremely generous 1% increase that was to be bestowed on my undeserving self as of April this year!

I recycled the offending 'brown and jolly' and carried on with the rest of my day thinking only positive thoughts I danced rosily around the house with my feather duster singing as I went rather like one of those housewives in a 1960's advert and found myself eagerly anticipating the hour that 'absolute nightmare' returned from school!  

Okay that's not quite what happened, the recycling bit is true but what actually followed my little brush with the 'DWP' was days of 'deep dark and despairing'. What their notice of forthcoming riches actually did was to reinforce how terrified I am of them!

The fear is constant and overwhelming and I can't see an end to it! 

There is actually a lot more to my 'bloody awful' week but I think as this blog is in danger of turning into a full length novel I'll save the rest for another day.

Lord, I wish I knew what you thought sometimes, I wish I could talk to you direct and have the answer straight away, but I know that's not how it works so my prayer for today is, 'I trust you,Your will be done' Amen.

It was 'absolute joy' that came home from school on Thursday and with one or two exceptions she has remained 'absolute joy' since :o) 

Thank you for allowing me to share

GOD bless you and all those you love

kimmie x                                             Copyright©2013kimmie All Rights Reserved

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