Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: That thing that I do feels unsafe

Thursday, 7 March 2013

That thing that I do feels unsafe

From someone to someone, then someone to me, from me to my depths where lurks OCD!

My fingers are itching to do that thing I do, that thing that in part might help not just me but also others like me, that thing that has seen me through many mental melt downs, despairing days and sleepless nights. 

I can’t tonight though, it feels unsafe, tainted by them that might be watching, them that for now at least I can’t bring myself to name.

Tonight that thing that usually cushions me through symptoms of mental illness, offers me support when I need it and allows me to support others, gives me a voice, a purpose and a place to be me in is the reason for my melt down.  

For now paranoid fear has stolen from me that thing I can’t mention because I feel that them I can’t mention might be watching me, that they might use that thing that I do against me!

So that’s where I am tonight my friends, stuck in self inflicted solitary confinement, peering through illusory bars into a virtual world of  hope and solidarity, wishing, missing, moping.  Prevented by my own chaotic mind and by an overwhelming fear of them I can’t talk about from doing that thing that I do!

Lord, Deliver us from evil and give us the strength to carry on, Your will be done. Amen.

This could take some time....!  Okay how about fish, (Don't look at me like that!) It's all I've got right now and they do look beautiful dancing around in front of me night after night while the rest of the world sleeps!
Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x


  1. Hi Kimmie,

    It's 3:30 A.M. and I feel compelled to respond to your posting. Forgive me if it's disjointed because I'm exhausted yet sleep is but an elusive concept.

    And with your sharing, your therapeutic verbalisation, comes inspiration. The thoughts, the inner chatter, the inner critic, tries to sabotage your positivity. You will not give paranoid thoughts the power to overwhelm your right to peace and the ultimate goal of connecting with the magic of your inner child. Your inner child has wisdom and reveals the truth. The inner critic, the paranoia, tells you lies.

    And remember, you are not alone. Together, with hope, we cope. May your sharing of your valid feelings be a modicum of comfort.

    And hey, check this out. You might note that my icon is that of a typing dog. Yes, it's my dog, Penny who told me about the magic of her inner puppy. This in turn, inspired me to reconnect with my inner child.

    In peace, hope and empathy, your friend in understanding,


  2. Dear Kimmie, you are a bold, brave and beautiful soul who spends herself in the service of others. It sounds like you feel overwhelmed, weary and worn through all that you have given out. It has left you raw, vulnerable and fragile. So you ready yourself for another battle - real or umagined.
    Please don't stop your voice from calling out. We need to hear from you. Simply take time to rest, recuperate and be strengthened before you return to the fray.
    Critics are everywhere. Stay true to yourself and your voice. You may like to read my latest post on Wounded Warriors which has a prayer for the hurting. Do whatever helps bring you peace, my friend.
    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers xx

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  4. Hi Kimmie,

    You have enormous courage to share your struggles and to face your own inner-demons and in sharing them you help others know that they are not alone in suffering these things either.

    I suffer from agoraphobia/severe social phobia which cause similar symptoms. I liken it to feeling like I'm missing the top layer of skin. You are so sensitive to everything around you as well as within you at times that you need to retreat from the scary world outside. Every conversation is re-ran and self-criticised, every person in your life doubted and analysed, catastrophes await around every corner.

    Things can happen early in life that create this vulnerable deep wound and sometimes things in adulthood re-expose it. I believe our adrenal system can only take so much stress before it tells us to batten down the hatches in self-protection! We are not to blame for this illness, I've never found a cure, but I do believe creativity and positivity can help us manage it.

    Thanks for shining a light.

  5. Thank you Jane for leaving me such a positive encouraging comment on what can only be described as a very negative blog post, I have had an awful day today and your seeing a light in me that i am struggling to see for myself this week has really lifted me!
    I felt I empathize with and relate to your experiences as well especially where you say > "Every conversation is re-ran and self-criticized, every person in your life doubted and analysed, catastrophes await around every corner"

    Thank you so much for your empathy and thoughts, you must have known I was in need of a boost :0)

    God bless you and yours

    Kimmie x

  6. i understand this blog so much. you have found support on here and on twitter but by grasping for this support you feel you are maybe incriminating yourself with your benefits. if you can type you shouldn't have a problem working? etc.

    it takes more than moving fingers to be able to leave your home without fear, it takes more than cyber communication on a laptop to be able you to mix with other workers.

    dont be afraid to reach out to your friends online due to fear of it being used against you and cause you to lose your lifeline sustenance money.

    it is therapy, it is keeping you active, it is like going to a gym to strengthen a recently healed break. no one could use therapy as an weapon to take your benefits away or everyone trying to recover would just give up trying due to fear of losing our benefits. i have these very thoughts too. it scares me that we feel watched and stalked by dwp etc.

    i hope you understand what i am saying as much as i understand this blog. i feel the same. im scared that speaking to people on here will go against me for my dla "assessments" (my arse) but im never gonna give up now iv found such friends and support as i have on twitter. it makes me feel human and whole again to have friends and they wont ever snatch that from me without a bloody big fight.

    i hope iv got the right gist of this blog because im gonna look pretty daft if iv got it all wrong. take care my dear and dont be scared of reaching out in your darkest most vulnerable hours. you now have got a friend in me too xxx

    1. Dear Tracy, I'm not sure how I managed to miss your comment at time of writing but today (on looking back through old posts) I have just stumbled upon it and feel the need to respond.

      I feel incredibly touched that you should have read me so exactly - so well!

      You are spot on in your interpretation of this post and I wanted (though belated) to thank you - both for your empathy/understanding and for taking the time to connect with me here.

      I do hope this message reaches you somehow and finds you well.

      God bless you and yours

      Kimmie X