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Wednesday, 15 January 2014

'On my mind 24/7'

The night before last (with a head full of darkness) I tried for hours to express my feelings - I lost count of how many paragraphs I typed out and then deleted.

Often when I'm unable to write I'm unsure why.
Why....when I so desperately need to offload a mind FULL of muddle won't the words come?!

On this occasion I think I know what has caused a block....(Though I didn't realize it until today) You see, I have been attempting to write about a 'low as low can be' post Christmas fortnight - exacerbated OCD symptoms and high levels of anxiety while at the same time avoiding the *on my mind 24/7* issue.

I'm afraid to throw this thing out there - What if it's nothing? - Am I over reacting at this point? - Will people think I'm being silly, allowing OCD (as is often the case with me!) to make a mountain out of a mole hill?....

Well my friends, while smaller than a mole hill (about the size of blueberry actually) it feels like a mountain to me and despite my rational side reminding me periodically that it's probably nothing - I'm afraid!

I discovered the lump just before Christmas - well actually if truth be known 'The Body Guard' discovered it (This honesty thing will get me into trouble one day! o_O )

It was very small, causing me no pain and Christmas was coming - I put it to the back of my mind (almost) telling myself that if it was still there after Christmas I'd have to see a doctor.

Christmas came and went and the lump was still there - still there and slightly bigger (or was I imagining it to be so?) - I know I should have made an appointment to see a doctor straight away at that point but I didn't - I didn't because I was afraid!

Anyway to cut a long story and a lot of sleepless nights short....This is now on my mind 24/7.
OCD's having a field-day - I'm poking around my right breast more and more each day/night - sobbing fearfully through the 'Eastenders' Cancer story and afraid to say "see you in the morning" to 'Littlie' at night in-case I'm not there when she wakes! (I know, I know, mountains out of mole hills!)

Worrying myself sick over something that might be nothing is not doing me any good and leaving it too long when it may turn out to be something won't do me any good either! - I have an appointment with the doctor on Friday. - I'm terrified!

I'm praying 'The OCD tales' are wrong and the lump is harmless - It would mean a great deal to me if (those of you who pray) would add your prayers to mine. Thank you.

Despite *on my mind 24/7* My 'Gorgeous ones' and I had a lovely Christmas! :O)

Lord, I know it's probably nothing, I know my way of worrying about things before they've even happened but I'm afraid. Give me strength please because I'm not coping with this one very well at all. Amen.

Thank you as always for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

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