Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: 'Where I once saw special'

Wednesday 5 March 2014

'Where I once saw special'

Where I once saw special. via @stuckinscared mentalillnessgodandme.blogspot.co.uk

The past week (following a major mental health melt down last Wednesday) has been a low as low can be kinda week!

What led me to lose control? – A hair cut (I kid you not!)  though in my defence *hair hack* would be more accurate.

I can’t remember all that happened after I shot upstairs chocking back (Don’t be bloody stupid it’s only hair) tears - and out of respect for other mental health sufferers I’m not going to describe too explicitly what I do remember but to give you an idea...  

I remember spitting “I hate you” at my mirrored self over and over again – I remember (and I'm still haunted by) the piercing hatred in the eyes starring back at me.  
I remember feeling angry, unimaginably angry, angry at me!

I don’t remember getting to the bathroom or how long I was in there but I do remember sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing, still incredibly angry and wanting to (but trying so hard not too) hurt myself, and I do remember hitting the bathroom wall hard enough to make a hole in it. 
The pain in my wrist would not register until hours later.

From bathroom back to bedroom is fragmented... I don’t recall going downstairs for cigarettes but I must have done because I don’t keep cigs and lighter (or smoke as a rule) upstairs and I don’t recall locking the bedroom door, but again, I must have done because it was locked when sometime later (burnt, bleeding, incredibly ashamed, but calmer) I went to leave the room.

It all seems so irrational now - It was irrational.
The way I’m STILL letting it get to me now IS irrational…. It’s just a dodgy hair cut FGS….!

Except there’s more to it than that…! More to it than my usual OCD related need for perfection or my (life long) lack of self-esteem!

You see if I’d felt loved on Wednesday (hair hack day), as loved as I felt in the first ‘butterfly tummy’ months of my relationship with ‘The Body Guard’ (That's hubby to the newbies) - as loved as I’d  felt on our wedding day when I’d held his face in my hands in front of friends, family and God and saw everything that’s good in me reflected in his eyes; then perhaps my post ‘hair hack’ reaction might have been less 'mad woman' and more ‘what the fu*k have you done to my hair’, followed by a few weeks of obsessive titivating. 

Until last summer I never doubted for a moment how much 'The Body Guard' loved me. 
I was loved (warts and all) like I had never (with the exception of my dad who thinks the sun shines out of my arse and my nan who died when I was eleven) been loved before - special. 


I was loved (Like that) right up to (and including the morning of) the day I discovered his secret email account and secret (*virtual* doesn’t make it any less unfaithful in my opinion, especially given the nature of their conversations) bit on the side!

I’m 48 years old, mentally ill (though he knew that from the start) my smile rarely reaches my eyes these days, I look like I've been dug up in the mornings and I've got more saggy bits than Bag-Puss. 

She (‘Natty’) was everything I’m not – YOUNG (over half my age) - FAT (Turn me sideways and you lose me) – Boobs up to her chin (mine breastfed my first four kids, were tortured for 8 months by a breast pump after my fifth (disabled and fed through a tube) child was born and then went into hiding) and her hair…! Her beautiful, long, silky, shiny, frigging-perfect  hair (mine is.Oh you get the picture.) 

So you see Wednesdays melt down wasn't just about dodgy hair (though my OCD inhabited mind does worry more than most about appearance) It was about months and months of held in heartache, fear and incredibly low self esteem.
Months of trying to trust his "I love you" with his "I don't love you anymore" of last summer still ringing in my ears.  
Months of trying to make 48 seem 28 and failing miserably. 
Months of blaming myself... I'm too old, too skinny, don’t smile enough, too mentally ill - not sexy enough, not pretty enough, NOT GOOD ENOUGH…! 
Months of looking into the eyes of the man I love and seeing (where I once saw special) everything I despise about myself reflected back at me.

I’m not making excuses for my behaviour (my behaviour was unacceptable) I’m just ‘Telling it how it is’….because it’s cathartic, because I need to and because here in my space....I can. 

                                   'Mud Mud Glorious Mud'

POSITIVE THOUGHTS
‘The body guard’ is as gentle and caring as he always was, he’s incredibly sorry, trying so hard to make us ‘Us again’ and he’s still here... It could be worse.
And me?  Well the outside might have seen better days but (If he looks with heart as apposed to nether regions) there is inner beauty.
I’m compassionate, forgiving (clearly! O_o)  and my hearts in the right place… He could do worse!
As for dodgy hair - It will grow... At this point I need you all to nod.

PRAYER
Serenity Prayer


Thank you as always for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

22 comments :

  1. Kimmie you are loved and you are unique, never doubt that. Your hair will grow back and probably looks less hacked than you think when already feeling fragile. I hope and pray your relationship can be restored. Take care.

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    1. Thank you for those kind words Mandi and for allowing me to share.

      God bless you and yours

      Kimmie x

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  2. Your writing ability is becoming compelling. So much so, that I feel a good book is boiling away in there. I look forward to the crystallised compilation of Stuck In Scared. It is in there and needs to be our there.

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  3. Thank you Ropey, High praise indeed coming from a wordsmith as gifted as you are!
    You do wonders for my confidence (sadly lacking) and I'm grateful for that.
    A book? I'd love to one day,
    If I could work out where to start. In the meantime the blog (as well as being cathartic) is giving me lots of notes :)

    Take care and God bless

    Kimmie x

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  4. Look at it that you are like a butterfly in a cocoon. You are hiding away now but going to emerge beautiful & as your hair grows your confidence will grow again & you are going to emerge a stronger Kimmie!!
    Please do one thing for me, take the time as your hair grows back to think about this = hair is not a 'personality' Kimmie!! It doesn't love, care & have a pure heart like you. Please realise you are a very special person loved by your family, all on here & your Twitter family!! P.S. That's the most beautiful wedding picture I've ever seen. J xox

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    1. Thank you so much Anonymous (though you speak as if you know me so I'm guessing we are friends on Twitter X) Your words of support means a lot and I will try and be kinder to myself. Writing it all down has helped :)

      Thank you for allowing me to share

      God bless you and yours

      Kimmie x

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  5. I know a couple where she is older than her husband who is devastatingly good looking. At first I thought, why? 'Why does he always have his arm around her as if he can't let go? Why is he always gazing at her in that dewy-eyed 'can't imagine how blessed I am!' kind of way. But now I've got to know her & her kindness & her goodness & her generosity and her wonderful sense of humour, I know exactly why! And I'm sure that's why your body guard feels the same about you.

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    1. Thank you for such comforting words Jacy, I do hope you're right.
      As I said in my post, until last summer i never doubted him for a minute....I think our biggest issue now is trust. I have to learn to trust again, not only his faithfulness but also his reasons for staying.
      He is my carer you see (also carer to our disabled daughter) and he's a kind man,
      His actions (and words) last year lead me to question whether he is hear now through responsibility/pity or because he loves me as he says he does.
      I need to learn to trust him again and to also be mindful as to how hard it must be for him when mine and my daughters disabilities are at their worse.
      Caring isn't an easy burden!

      Thank you for taking the time to read and support

      God bless you

      Kimmie x

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  6. Through tears I wish you happiness (and have a great hair do soon) xx

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  7. Oh, Kimmie. I have a condition known as trichotillomania. (Don't you love the name? Doesn't it sound like something a madwoman in an attic would have?) No one needs to cut my hair to make it look awful; I can do it myself, and have, with varying degrees of obviousness, for over 40 years. Sometimes people call it an OCD; sometimes they call is an "impulse control disorder." What I've learned from it, and from the various other mental and physical health issues in my family, is that we are all on a spectrum, and our place on that spectrum is not really fixed or stuck, but fluid - we have, as you know, good days and bad, good weeks and bad, good years and bad. I'm sure you feel awful when such things happen, but you are clearly a resilient, self-aware person - you move from strength to strength, and I'm glad to know you.

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    1. Hi Paula, Thanks for your lovely comment (as always) it means a lot to me.
      I have a friend who has trichotillomania so I understand how distressing that can be (and must be for you).
      "Good days and bad" - That we doo and I thank God for the good days :)
      I found your feedback extremely comforting, I'm appreciate your taking the time to read/reassure - I'm very glad to know you too X

      God bless hun

      Kimmie x

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    2. Excuse typo's Paula, I was replying before finishing my first coffee of the morning (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it lol) :o) x

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  8. Compelling writing! And so honest, I am really awed. Your reaction was entirely understandable to me - I've had some hair hacks that I still cringe to think about - I only wish I had been able to express all the agony they caused me, instead of locking it away inside! Or to get angry! I do hope you've taken on board all the compliments above? They need believing and remembering. :-)

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    1. Thank you for your empathy Jen,
      I think my own 'Locking things away inside' for the best part of my life is probably what causes such (occasional) but extreme melt downs.
      It always seems incredible to me that one can bear so much for so long - and that the triggers for 'can't bear no more' are almost always such small things by comparison.

      Thanks so much for stopping by the blog and for your lovely comment

      God bless you and yours

      Kimmie x

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  9. She has such woes she bravely bares
    Yet her thoughts she freely shares
    Her words she sends
    To help her friends
    I'm personally touched by her cares

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    1. Aw That's lovely, Thank you! :)

      Kimmie x

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  10. Wow Kimmie, what an incredible post! I completely understand your reaction and please don't be too hard on yourself.
    I'm looking forward to seeing all your posts in a book. I know you must be tired of hearing me say it but that day will come and I'll be there at the book signing along with all your other fans.. xxx

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    1. I never tire of hearing you say it 'M' because - Iv'e always wanted to and with your boot up my bum I'm more likely to :o) (I may need your help when the time comes though, cause I wouldn't have a clue how to string it all together o_O !)

      Love to you and flossy

      Kimmie x

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    2. Kimmie, I'll be more than happy to share your publishing journey!

      'Stuck in Scared' what a brilliant book title. And do you know Kimmie you've already written quite a bit of it. Just keep on doing what you're doing and before you know it.... :) xx

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  11. Your writing is always so raw and honest, it takes my breath away. Thank you for sharing. (To me, hair is an accessory. It grows back, it really does.)

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    1. Thank you, Jennifer, it did grow back...I've not been to a hairdresser (related or otherwise) since...o_O

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