Of Windmills and Woes

If we were having coffee, I'd be playing 'hide n chat' this week... blabbing (nervously) about your drink preference, how your weeks been, how long the kettle's taking to boil... windmills - I like windmills I do, lets talk about windmills, do you like windmills, come see my windmills.

Every silence would get a babble, an anxious, smiley, bubbly babble... and I'd be wishing you'd talk about you.

I'd drag you outside to see ALL the windmills, babbling the old, the sentimental, and the new... you'd be wishing by now you'd gone to star bucks...alone!

If we were having coffee, I wouldn't tell you how incredibly tough (special needs) parenting has been this week...

I wouldn't tell you how many times 'Littlie' has morphed from 'absolute Joy' into 'absolute nightmare', on a day to day (often hour to hour) basis, and how mind blowingly difficult it's been not reacting to her meltdowns with a few (there's only so much I can take) meltdowns of my own... how tough it's been keeping the 'me' that's not 'Mummy' in check.

Littlie has more than enough to deal with, none of it her fault, the last thing she needs, is the me that's not 'Mummy'... especially in response to the 'She' she can't help.

{Littlie (you may already know) is 9 years old, and was born with a chromosome disorder (Prader Willi Syndrome), which affects her both physically and mentally. She has global developmental delay, hypermobility, OCD,  and Tourettes (amongst other issues) ...I won't bore you the symptoms, the list is seemingly endless.}

If we were having coffee, I might explain her disability (if you asked), I'd even touch on how challenged/challenging she can be... but mostly, I'd tell you how funny she can be, how engaging, and affectionate she can be, what a wonderful character she is...how far she's come, how hard she tries... and how much I love her!

I couldn't love her more if I tried!

If we were having coffee, I wouldn't tell you how debilitating my own disabilities (fibromyalgia & mental illness, exacerbated by grief) have been this week... how hard it's been to think positive, speak positive, do positive...because no one likes negative, right?

I wouldn't tell you how confusing it is, to be Mum, to be wife, to be friend; just to be... in a world that chugs on...so quickly, pulling me (inwardly screaming) along with it.

If we were having coffee, I wouldn't ask you for a hug, despite needing one, desperately... because, in a hug I'd blub, lose control, spill 'ALL the things', scary things, big things; too big to blab things... I can't do that, no, I can't do that.

I prefer hugging to hugged.

If you needed a hug - if you were upset?... Oh, I could do that, yes, I could do that... I can always do that.

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If we were having coffee, and I had added my woes to my windmills, you might not believe me anyway; because I'd be wearing a smile, long sleeves, and a face full of make up - chatting about windmills, 'absolute joy', and you...

...because, it's easier (and fairer) to share 'absolute joy' than it is to share 'absolute nightmare' - easier to play 'hide n chat' than it is to play 'chat the crap' - safer to talk windmills than it is to talk woes!

Oh, and because I'd quite like you to come again... :)

If we were having coffee, I'd ask how you were, and wonder, does your "I'm okay" mimic mine!
Do you play the game too? are you playing it now? Filling silence with babble... sunshiny, smiley, bubbly babble... wishing I'd talk about me.

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Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

P.S... Littlie is currently presenting (at time of kettle boiling)... as 'absolute joy'... long may it last :)

P.P.S... I'm adding this post to the Weekend Coffee Share, linky/bloghop... the brain child of 'Part Time Monster'. You can read other Coffee Shares, and/or add your own ((HERE))

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If we were having coffee I'd point you in the direction of the kettle and the cappuccino cupboard, and ask you to make me one while you're at it... Don't look at me like that...It's been a long day ;o)

If we were having coffee I'd tell you how grateful I was when my Mum and her partner picked 'Littlie' up, and took her to Church with them this morning... I'd tell you (perhaps you already know) that today was the first Fathers Day I've had to get through without my Dad... I'd tell you how tough it's been, how achingly Dadless I've felt, how hard it's been to do the 'Mum thing' today........how much I needed those couple of child free hours this morning.

I'd tell you that my 'Littlie' had a fab time with the Nannies, and that by the time she came home this afternoon I was needing the 'Mum thing', just as desperately as I'd needed a break from it this morning.
I'd tell you how welcome her distracting chatter was, how much I enjoyed (albeit sleepily) reading to her this afternoon, and again this evening... and how grateful I am for Enid Blyton's imagination... I'd tell you that it's impossible to grieve when you're up 'The Faraway Tree'... and that while up there, we were...FREE!

If we were having coffee I'd ask you to nip out and turn the sprinkler off for me, and if you happen to spot any dog poo while you're out there, be a love and pick it up... bags are in the draw... no, not that draw, the one next to the microwave ;)

If we were having coffee we'd need a top up around now... you know where the kettle is ;)
While waiting for the kettle, we'd stand at the back door and I'd point out all of the little solar lights that are now doted around the garden; in memory of Dad.
Coloured fairy lights in the trees, hanging baskets and bushes... solar cubes, dragonflies, and stakes in the beds...the crystal balls that are hanging from the fence, like diamonds in sunlight-colour changing at night.
I'd tell you that later tonight (when I wake her up to change her pad), I'll take Little through to my room where the window overlooks the garden, we'll climb onto my bed, cuddle up, pull back the curtain, and... 'Christmas in June' will light up her eyes.

I'd tell you how Iv'e tried (and failed) to capture the lights on camera, how much I'd love to share the magic on the blog, and I'd ask you if you have any idea how to photograph fairy lights at night.

If we were having coffee, I'd tell you how proud I am of Littlie this week, she (you may already know) is almost ten years old, and is disabled... she struggles (greatly) with tasks that would usually come easy for a child her age.
Well, this afternoon (for the second time this week) she managed to get the washing from the line. It took her an incredibly long time, and her legs gave way before she could finish, but... she did it...reached up, manipulated pegs (or, yanked when all else failed) and loaded the laundry bag... :)
She was so chuffed with herself... "all by my own self'".

If we were having coffee, we'd take our drinks, the biscuit tin (and in my case cigs) out to the patio now, I'd puff, you'd dunk, (or puff, or both) and we'd talk about you for a while.

How's life treating you?

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Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

P.S... Who's turn is it to put the kettle on? ;o) 

P.P.S,,, Weekend Coffee share is the brain child of Part-Time Monster Click here to go to the link up

Related post: Of windmills and woes