Follow @stuckinscared Stuck In Scared: kimmie
Showing posts with label kimmie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kimmie. Show all posts

Thursday, 14 April 2016

Just-a-Quote #8 ... (Tell me honestly)

Just a Quote. #8  If I showed you my flaws, if I couldn't stay strong. Tell me honestly... would you still love me the same. Quote.


"If I showed you my flaws... If I couldn't be strong. Tell me honestly... Would you still love me the same?" ~ Adam Levine. 

***

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x



Sunday, 3 January 2016

Just a Quote #1 (Inner Child)

Just-a-Quote #1 (Inner Child) | mental health | mental illness | grief | Quote | @stuckinscared

***

I'm trying something new this year (alongside my usual rambles). A weekly Just-a-Quote post.

I'll be sharing some of my own thoughts, (the above quote is one of my own), I'll also be sharing other quotes that resonate with me (with credit where it's due). 

I hope to (when I've worked out how to) create a weekly Just-a-Quote linky at some point during the year. Don't hold your breath mind, cause so far I haven't a clue o_O #Technophobe! 

Advice welcome, bloggy-friends ;o)

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 



Thursday, 31 December 2015

He will never live in This Year.

It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing) and I've spent most of today looking to google for inspiration for this New Years Eve post, specifically I was searching 'Happy'. 

I found it of-course, the internet is full of zipadeedoodah today, as it is every new years eve. I found positive posts, round ups posts, lists and lists of 'list' posts... and I found happy posts; other people's thoughts, feelings, wishes. Other people's Happy.

Many were inspiring... none inspired me. 

Actually, that's not quite true... they inspired me to write a list; a stupidly-long list of Happy-New-Year-blog-post-ideas. When I sat down to write this evening I had every intention of using idea #4... 'There's Something Good In Every Day'. 

I could have pulled that one off too, you know... I could have rambled till your eyes were bossed about how blessed I am; how lucky I am, how grateful I am. Because I am. 

You know what else I am... honest. Throwing a load of zipadeedoodah your way this evening... wouldn't have been honest! (I do however wish YOU as much zipadeedoodah as you can handle :o))
Quote, There's something good in every day. via @stuckinscared

***

It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of tomorrow! 

This year has been the worst year of my life (so far). This year broke my heart; almost broke me, but I don't want to leave it. My Dad lived in this year.

My Dad hugged me this year. My Dad laughed, and cried this year. This year I heard Dads voice, breathed his smell...read 'I love you' in his eyes. 

Tomorrow will be the first day of a year that doesn't have my Dad in it, and I'm scared. I don't want to leave him behind.

As of tomorrow... 'Dad died LAST year'.  Not this year, not even 7 months ago... LAST  year! He will never live in this year.

As of tomorrow... I will never have a THIS year that has Dad in it again. 

***

It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), it's cold outside, and set to get colder and I (though grieving) am warm, fed, housed and Oh-so-cared-for, as (I sincerely hope) are you. 
I decided against an end of year round up of my blog posts this year... #6 on my list of ideas... but I'd love for you to visit (or revisit) just THIS ONE. It means a lot to me. :) 

***

It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing), and I want to thank YOU, dear readers of my rambles, for reading, commenting (I love your comments :), for being there, for being your beautiful selves... and especially for your support this past (incredibly tough) year. You lot make my day... EVERY DAY! 

I wish you ALL a (heartfelt) HAPPY NEW YEAR! :o) 
It's new years Eve 2015 (time of writing) and I've spent most of today looking to google for inspiration for this New Year Eve post, specifically I was searching 'Happy'.

***

Thank you as always for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 



Monday, 21 December 2015

Deck the Halls... better late than never.

I'm late posting my Christmas paraphernalia this year. I usually have the halls decked by the 1st of December but (despite making a start early November) I was well into December before finishing.
I'm late posting my Christmas paraphernalia this year. I usually have the halls decked by the 1st of December but (despite making a start early November) I was well into December before finishing. 

Fibromyalgia had me decking the halls with boughs-of-ouchie, and as this is my first Christmas without Dad there wasn't a lot of fa-la-la'ing going on. I'm glad I pushed on with it though, Littlie's eyes are shinning as a child's eyes should be, and me? Well, I love Christmas, and the Merry-and-Bright is doing me the world of good... Fa-la-la-la-la...la-la-la-la :o) 
Christmas is my Favorite
Christmas is my absolute favorite... I like it a lottle (that's like a little, but a lot). 
I love the lead up to Christmas, I delight in the fairy lights and decorations which fill almost every corner of my home. I love the chaos of Christmas morning... the mess that out does all messes - the pringle-crumb-carpet - the tripping over of the long and short legs sprawled out into the middle of my very small dinning room as I attempt to get to the back door for a quick cigarette break - the 5am stumble along the landing to be greeted by a wide awake Littlie with stocking in hand, shouting "he's been Mummy, he's been!" 
I love it all, and despite the underlying sadness this year I'm really looking forward to Christmas morning with my gorgeous ones. 
Christmas is my absolute favorite... I like it a lottle (that's like a little, but a lot).
Right, that's enough of my rambling... better-late-than-never; our home has been well and truly decked and I'd really love to share it with you all.

My house is a squash-and-a-squeeze and the dinning table's been packed away to make room for the tree so (unless you're a fairy) there's nowhere to sit, but you're all so welcome!  Heating's on, kettle's on, and there's mince pies in the tin... help yourselves.

And now to the Merry-and-Bright... 

My tree... An evening job (more accurately several evenings), on my own with Rod Stewart ringing in my ears... No touching (or tail-wagging) allowed! 
My tree... An evening job (more accurately several evenings), on my own with Rod Stewart ringing in my ears... No touching (or tail-wagging) allowed!

Deck the halls.

I love Christmas



The lounge trees... a joint effort... some touching allowed :o) 

Littlie's tree (in her bedroom), she gets to do what she likes with this one... I like it but wouldn't wanna sleep with it... she loves it :)
 Littlie's tree (in her bedroom), she gets to do what she likes with this one... I like it but wouldn't wanna sleep with it... she loves it :)

The back door... this picture doesn't show the full glory of this area of the house at Christmas time... it's my favorite part of the house when decked... the windows mirror all of the downstairs fairy lights giving the impression that the whole garden is lit up...it's magical!
deck the halls

The old fish tank... which stands in the dinning room for most of the year looking like a heap of, well, old fish tank, and is magically (with the help of 4 rolls of cotton wool and a ton of fake snowflakes) transformed into Littlie's winter-wonderland each Christmas. 
The old fish tank... which stands in the dinning room for most of the year looking like a heap of, well, old fish tank, and is magically (with the help of 4 rolls of cotton wool and a ton of fake snowflakes) transformed into Littlie's winter-wonderland each Christmas.

The banisters
Deck the halls... home tour

Most of my decs are years old... that's what makes them so special... my halls are decked with memories... Christmassy pages of my life...my kid's lives. I do add something to the collection each year though and this gorgeous Nativity is the latest addition. I love it! 
This gorgeous Nativity is the latest addition to my Christmas decs. I love it!

***
Thank you all, Dear friends, readers-of-my-rambles for your support this past year...it's been a tough one and I couldn't have got through it without YOU! 

I wish you all a very merry Christmas 

Merry Christmas!

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x

P.S... 

Don't forget to deck the Loo ;o)

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Message in a Bottle... Wordless Wednesday

message in a bottle... an idea if you're grieving, missing loved ones at Christmas. It helped me to put something by the tree for my Dad... hand write your message and place it in a decorated glass bottle. | wordless wednesday... Christmas 2015. Miss you Dad x

For you, Dad 

I miss you so much

Kimmie x




Monday, 14 December 2015

Is Nothing Sacred Anymore.

Is nothing Sacred anymore. poem. poetry. @stuckinscared mentalillnessgodandme.blogspot.co.uk

Is nothing sacred anymore. poem. poetry. mentalillnessgodandme.blogspot.co.uk

With all of my heart 
and all that I am 
I loved you... love you still
More than any other 
ever before 
I trusted you
Is nothing sacred anymore!

***

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love 

Kimmie x 

Related post: Where I once saw Special 
Quote. "If you love her, love her all, every broken piece of her, and don't hurt her" @stuckinscared mentalillnessgodandme.blogspot.co.uk


Tuesday, 27 October 2015

All Finished Now.

You're bad, do you hear me; BAD BAD BAD
Look at me
I SAID LOOK AT ME!
God, you make me so mad.

Get up those stairs
get out of my sight
You're bad, do you hear me
you wont eat tonight

For goodness sake child
what’s wrong with you
Why must you wind me up like you do
If I say quiet - I mean QUIET
why can't you see
Just do as you're told, child
LISTEN TO ME!...

***

Shhh... shhh-shhh 

 Come on now, good girl 
Mummy's sorry
Shhh now
no more tears
Mummy's sorry-Mummy's sorry

That's it, that's it baby
there-there 
all better
no harm done
All finished now 
all finished
Mummy loves you
Mummy loves you
Mummy loves you
Mummy loves you

poem. poetry. excerpt via stuck in scared

***

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x


Friday, 25 September 2015

If I Could...

Iv'e been tagged by the lovely Laura, who blogs at My Life as a Mummy to take part in the 'If I Could' tag. Thanks Laura.

The idea is to answer the preset questions, daydreams allowed, and then tag other bloggers to take part (If they want to).

So here goes...
Imagine a Town where no one goes hungry...
If I could live anywhere... Oh I'm so glad day dreams are allowed... If I could live anywhere, (anywhere, any time, any dream) I would choose 'Walnut Grove'... Except I'd have Pa build me a proper oven, cause I'm buggered if I could bake like Ma bakes in a tiny little hole to the side of the fire place. Oh, and I'd be needing an inside loo... how Ma manages to poo in that tiny little outhouse in THAT skirt, is beyond me.

A little house on the Prairie...where all the skies are blue (In my dreams they're always blue). Where all the people (with the exception of Mrs & Nelly Olsen) are kind and compassionate, peace loving, neighbourly.

Imagine washing in the creak, watching Pa (preferably topless, Pa should always be topless!) working the fields. walking through fields to get the kids to school. Kids that skip, and tag, and ring-a-rose.
Imagine a town where no one goes hungry, because as poor as they are they can always, always, stretch the stew to one more!

I do :)

If I could have any home ...This is a tough one because I love the house I'm in now, it's been home for a long time, I've always felt safe here, it's familiar, it's beautiful... it's home!
The trouble is, it's not my house, and as our Landlord has spent the past year attempting to sell it from under us (though currently it's off the market temporarily until neighbouring building work is completed) it's no longer safe! .

On that note, if I could have any home other than my current one (or 'The Little House on the Prairie')... it would be secure, safe, preferably owned.
It would have disability adaptions, (including wheelchair access) for Littlie... and a private, south facing garden, with a pretty little shabby-chic Lady-shed, to write in.
Actually, while I'm still day dreaming... I wouldn't mind one of those DIY-SOS jobbies...not least because then I'd get to meet Little-Leci-Billy- ;o)

If I could have any garden... That's easy...the garden I have now. I'd love to pick it all up, worms and all, and take it with me. As it is, since every plant in the garden attached to the-house-that's-not-mine was payed for and planted by me, I will be digging up anything remotely dig-up-able, and taking it with me.

If I could have any garden... That's easy...the garden I have now.

If I could be on holiday right now... The reality is, fear prevents me from flying, it also prevents me from travelling (other than locally) in a car, and even if I could travel my budget wouldn't stretch to a holiday.

The dream is, Spain... I went to Spain (Marbella), for a week when I was eighteen, and would love to revisit.
Actually, I say a week... I fell in love with a gorgeous Spaniard and stayed put. Three months later I (and my broken heart) came home... Turned out Gorgeous-Spaniard wasn't mine to love, he had a wife and child in Lanzarote!

Despite the heartache (not to mention the shame), I still have such beautiful, and incredibly vivid memories of the places I visited, and the things I experienced whilst there.
Oh, how I'd love to walk those streets again - paddle those seas again - visit those cafes again - dunk those doughnuts again... "Un chocolate con churros por favor" :)

If I could have any job... Illness prevents me from working these days, but if I could work I'd go back to what I used to do before (and after, once they were old enough) I had children... caring for the elderly.
When I was a teenager my best friends Mum owned, lived in, and ran a home for the elderly, my friend and I worked Weekends as teenagers and went on to work there full time after leaving school, and then periodically after we both married and had children.
I loved every single minute of it... I'll never forget my ladies!

If I could have any talent... I don't need to think about this one, I'm reminded of my lack of talent in this area every day. I would LOVE to be able to sing.
I often sing along to music (I use the term loosely!) if I'm at home, but always mime anywhere else, even in Church; because there are no words to describe the unholy noise that comes out of my mouth when I sing out loud!

I've always been aware of my (tone-death-doesn't-cover-it) singing voice... I remember being as young as seven-ish and miming during assembly so that the other kids couldn't hear me, silently mouthing each word dramatically so as to appear believable if a teacher looked my way.
Turned out one teacher was looking my way; he picked me for the school choir... because, he said... I opened my mouth so beautifully when I sang. o_O
For the rest of that school year (wishing I was invisible, and still miming) I was sat at the front of the hall during assembly...with the rest of the choir!

If I could live one day again... - it would be the last day I saw my Dad.
My Dad lived a long way from me, and, as mentioned above, mental illness/fear prevents me from travelling. In February of this year (3 months before he died) my Dad, my always-there-and-if-he-wasn't-there-he-was-getting-there, Dad, came to me. Riddled with Cancer, barely able to stand, and in unimaginable pain, he came to me... he came to say goodbye.

We hugged lots, loved lots, talked as much as he could manage... goodbyes were left unspoken, neither of us able to say the words.

When he left, knowing how hard the moment was for him, I hugged him brave...like a grown up. The child inside was bawling, I didn't let her out.
He released my hold on him, kissed my head, and said "keep smiling babe", then he turned and walked down the garden path.

When he reached the gate he turned and looked straight at me, he held my gaze for only a moment before turning away again... in that moment I read my life time in his eyes... and I read his breaking heart, his I love you... his goodbye".

I didn't want to be brave anymore. I wanted to run down the path with the child's tears pouring down my face, throw myself into his arms, beg him to stay.

I stayed dry-eye-brave in the doorway until he'd disappeared through the gate. Then went into the toilet, stamped my feet like a child, and cried.

If I could live that day again... I'd run down the path!


If I could have any super power... Ooh, now then... can I have two?
Time travel would get me to 'the Walnut Grove' of the Ingalls's, but I've always quite fancied being Mary Poppins. If I were Mary Poppins... I could click my fingers and put the whole world to rights.

David Cameron...click...gone. George Osborne...click...gone. Iain Dunken Smith...
click, click, Dunky!
World peace...click...done. New home...click. Housework...click... *clicks fingers hopefully*.

I'm think I'm gonna go with Mary-Poppins-Power...
If I can jump into pictures, travel by brolly, and have tea on a ceiling, I reckon time travel will be a breeze...
Walnut Grove here I come... Just as soon as I've outed the Tories ;o)
If I Could...
Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x

I tag the following people

Dear tagged... Please feel free to ignore the prompt if you are busy, or if  blog tags are not something you usually take part in.

Dear reader... Please do visit the bloggers in the above list if you have time. They are all fabulous bloggers...well worth reading :o) 

 

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Gone.


****
Copyright©2015kimmie All Rights Reserved

Thank you for allowing me to share 

God bless you, and all those you love 

Kimmie x

Friday, 19 September 2014

From the inside

I'm stood in an upstairs council house toilet, the walls are apple-white and there's a little frosted window to the left of me. The lino flooring is cold beneath my feet, the door is painted white and there is a little round lock just below the door handle.
On the floor is a pajama clad child. She has long-dark-hair which half covers her face and she is crouched, panicked-sobbing, just behind the door, her hand stretched out holding the little lock in position.
The child is afraid, and on the other side of the door her mother is ranting; shouting and swearing, banging on the door..."YOU LITTLE GIT" she screeches, "OPEN THIS DOOR"!

I can see her so clearly, The-child, from where I'm standing. I want to reach out and touch her, pull her into my arms and tell her she's safe. I want to hold her until she falls asleep and then carry her from the cold lino floor, past her raging mother and into her bed. I want to sit by her bed, guard her until morning, and stroke her gently back to sleep if she should wake.

If this were possible, would she be comforted do you think?
Or would she see into my mind, as I can hers; and know the worst is yet to come.

***

Thank you as always for allowing me to share

God bless you, and all those you love

Kimmie x

 

Thursday, 13 February 2014

'Don't be fooled by Hetty Hoovers smile'

Do not be fooled by Hetty Hoovers smile... If you value your sanity, your home and your life then take my advice and stay well away from ‘Hetty (Bloody) Hoover’ (especially if you’re knackered, naked and not in the mood for shenanigans)

After showering today I decided to pamper myself with that Dove-hint-of-a-tan moisturising gunk.
I’ve used it before and it does what it says on the bottle.... de-whites skin gradually without turning it orange.
However it is gunky and takes forever to soak in meaning one has to remain naked for 20 min or so before getting dressed.

So what’s a girl to do when she’s naked, greased up and hiding from ‘man mind’?  

Housework of-course.

I make the beds, run a duster round and I’m just about to head down stairs for my (I will do anything for you) ‘Dyson’ when I remember that I’m still naked and  ‘The Body Guard’ along with his (I know what I’d like to do for you) ‘man mind’ is down there – I’m way too knackered for any of his shenanigans so I head in the direction of the box room instead.

And there behind the box room door is ‘Hetty Hoover’ –  Aw she’s so cute, sat there all pink and smiley batting her painted on eyelashes at me…. Who could resist her?! 
And there behind the box room door is ‘Hetty Hoover’ –  Aw she’s so cute, sat there all pink and smiley batting her painted on eyelashes at me…. Who could resist her?!
Hetty is actually Littlie’s hoover. 'Littlie' has many obsessions and one of them is Hoovers, so last Christmas The-man-in-red delivered Hetty (butter wouldn't melt) hoover instead of toys.

Anyway... I pick up Hetty, carry her along to Littlie’s room, plug her in and begin hoovering. 
Hetty is clearly not happy about this! 
She refuses to follow me when yanked, hides behind every available piece of furniture, and if the way she’s gripping the bloody carpet is anything to go by her brushes have morphed into teeth!  

Panting and sweating (which does nothing to speed up the drying out of moisturised nakedness) I pull the awkward little bugger into my room and ignoring the (now defiant) look on her face attempt to hoover by the side of the bed.

Hetty however, has her eye on the dog crate at the bottom of the bed and heads straight for it – she gets stuck and I fall (ungracefully) onto the bed, narrowly avoiding getting my eye sucked out in the process. 
do not be fooled by Hetty Hoovers smile... Panting and sweating (which does nothing to speed up the drying out of moisturised nakedness) I pull the awkward little bugger into my room and ignoring the (now defiant) look on her face attempt to hoover by the side of the bed.
I drag myself up from the bed, rescue Hetty, and after lots more heaving and panting finish the bedroom and head toward the small staircase that leads up to the loft room.

Leaving Hetty at the bottom of the stairs and taking her nose up with me I have de-fluffed all steps bar two when ‘Hetty’ suddenly squeals her objection at having her nose yanked and plops over onto her back defiantly, I yank on her nose again (aggressively) in an attempt to reach the last two steps but she’s having none of it. 

With no choice but to go back and rescue the little minx I stomp ungracefully down the stairs (dropping an F-Bomb as I go!)
Half way down Hetty wraps her nose around my foot causing me to fall down the remainder of the stairs and crash into the Bannister's that separate the stair case I’m on from the one below.
 Do not be fooled by ‘Hetty Hoovers’ smile... Hetty is a nasty piece of work...!  If you value your sanity, your home, and your life then take my advice and stay well away from Hetty-Bloody-Hoover (especially if you’re knackered, naked and not in the mood for shenanigans).
Having narrowly escaped going over the top of the Banister and landing in ‘all my glory’ at the bottom of the house (I kid you not...!) I get up and grab ‘smiley face’ by the Throat handle and heave her up toward the top of the stairs (Hetty could do with losing a few pounds!)

Still grinning at me Hetty’s next trick is to hook and pull over a flower arrangement at the bottom of the stairs ‘hoover bumping’ me into the wall as she does so!  Wonderful… now I have flowers to rearrange - paint work to de-bum-print and I need another shower  o_O  ! 

Hetty is now tucked back behind the box room door and there she will stay unless 'Littlie' wants to play with her. 
'Littlie' will always be supervised when Hetty's around, as for me... I will never ever play with Hetty  again (supervised or otherwise). 

And the moral of the story… Do not be fooled by ‘Hetty Hoovers’ smile... Hetty is a nasty piece of work...!

If you value your sanity, your home, and your life then take my advice and stay well away from Hetty-Bloody-Hoover (especially if you’re knackered, naked and not in the mood for shenanigans).

Thank you for allowing me to share

God bless you and all those you love

Kimmie x




#MidLifeLuv Linky